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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5132
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My husband loses his temper too fast when he is supposely relaxing playing video games. He

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My husband loses his temper too fast when he is supposely relaxing playing video games. He starts cussing and yelling at the game, and doesnt care if our 3 month old baby is sleeping right beside him. He also gets really mad at little dumb things and hits me. He has prohibited me to go to my parents house because of a little argument that we had with them while we were living with them. We used to live with my parents for a year, and they thought he was using me, and because of that thought, he hated my parents and my sister and would not talk to my sister. Then when my little daighter was born, my father asked my husband if he was going to change the way he was being towards my family or was going to keep ignoring them like he was doind. My husband responded that he did not feel like talking to my sister, so my father told him that the best thing to do would be for him to leave the house. My father was calm when he was talking to my husband, but my husband got it all wrong and said that we were thrown out of the house and because of that reason, we would not take our little girl for them to see her, only to my husbands house to see his parents. My husband cannot see my parents, and if he were to see them at the store he would just ignore them as if they were nothing. To my husband, he is the one that is correct and doing the right thing, and he says he will never talk to my parents or take my daughter to go see them unless they ask him for forgiveness for telling him to get out of the house. He says he doesnt care if they only have 1 day left and they want to see our daughter, that he wont let them. He says he does not want my parents to see our newborn daughter but wants his parents to see her and is involved with his family but will not let me talk to my family. When we get mad and I tell him that I am leaving him he starts telling me that I am a daddy's girl and that I have daddy to live off of because he has his own business. When in reality he is the one that works with his dad and helps him out and even gives him eveything extra that we dont use. His family is the first thing he thinks of when we see something cheap and we are thinking who could use it. What can you sugest I do. I am so tired
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can help you with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how distressing and even scary this situation is for you. Your husband has a SEVERE anger problem and he is acting in controlling and rigid ways that are signaling that he is an abusive husband. When a husband tries to separate his wife from her support system (and husbands always have a reason that they are convinced about that justifies this), then this is very dangerous.

This is very important. Let me first just make sure you are familiar with the abuse cycle. Let me give you the address here for a picture of what is called the Cycle of Abuse. I want you to look at it and to print it out and pin it to your wall and say to yourself that YOU are the one who is choosing to live this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png

Next, I want you to Google "abused womens support groups {name of your city}". You need to get some support to help you. If you can get to a psychologist or psychotherapist to work from my first paragraph to you about your need to be so low, even better. Ask at the support groups or at a womens shelter for references to a psychologist or therapist.

Third, I will give you the names of two books that may help you if you are willing. These books are readily available.

The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. She has a number of books on this. Yes, you're physically abused, but the principles are for you. Her web site is good as well as all her books.

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Dugan and Hock. Very useful for you.

Now everything I'm saying to you is probably very difficult but I sense you have really thought about them within yourself but have been afraid to voice them. But you must. This is NOT going to get better. The statistics and research are overwhelmingly showing that abusive husbands only get better when the wife does something to remove herself from the home or remove him from the home. Because they rely on the cycle of abuse to charm you to keep on going over and over. So you have to break it. If that means taking the baby and going to live with your folks, fine. If that means telling him to leave the house and get help and therapy for himself, fine.

So this is the situation you find yourself in. You can recommend this to him to start for after you take action.

This book may help him to read When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship by David Wexler. He's the best psychologist I think writing on this.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

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