Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.
Do you mind if I ask a few clarifying questions to better understand your situation and goals?
I'd like to start by really understanding the question you'd like to ask here. You've provided some clear details in your presenting statement, but what would you say is your most pressing question right now related to your relationship?
I'd like to help you refine your question to really help out with a strong, practical answer.
Is there a correlation between lying about the small thhings and currenlty lying about the big things? What possess someone to lie about this type of incident? Why does he never tell thetruth unless document ation proves otherwise. When confronted he becomes aggressive. I think my concern is lying.
That's a great start, thank you....
Well in my experience working with individuals and couples in private practice, lying is a behavior that serves the person lying with a positive short term consequence or payoff that keeps the lying going.
For example, lying about an extra marital "date" serves the function of getting away with it. What are his top 3 areas of lying? What do you think the pay-offs are for each?
By identifying the payoffs we can also start to identify evidence-based strat
egies for interfering in and changing the lying behavior....
I can also learn more about your husband in our exchange to see if there are more seriously clinical indicators, beyond the usual payoff or behavioral explanation for his lying.
The purposes of payoff patterns in his lying may also tell us about what core-relationship needs he is not communicating to you and having met inside the marriage.
When needs aren't mutually expressed and met then negative communication patterns emerge including lying and cause breakdown in the marriage.
If you were to ask him he'd tell you that old lying behavior is gone since he got married. However, he feels that until we were married in his mind it was not a permanent commitement. So how can i be assured that old man is dead if he continues to lie. I don't know what the pay off would be about the restaurant. I would think that he lied because he liked the meal, but he clearrly didn't kike the food. It's also quite expensive and he is cheap so I know he'd rather not go there.
I'm referring more to the situation, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that he lied about having been to the restaurant and did this to cover up an extra marital date? He acted as though he had never been there but was actually there drinking with another woman..is that correct?
No this was not an extra martal date but a date he had with his exgirlfriend prior to us. So why all the lying to pretend?
Thank you for the clarification. That is a puzzle, why would he lie about having been there? Were you dating at the time ? Is there a possibility that he may have been there again more recently in a repeat transgression, or are there a self image issues here, where he wants to act like he would never do that kind of thing in the first place? What are your thoughts?
Why do you think he would hid his financial and personal info?
I notice you were going to type more in your presenting question box. Was there something else you wanted to share there at the end where it says "Her h"?
He went there at the very beginning of our relationship with her and it was the last time they had sex on her bday. So when I suggested it he could have choose another place but he played it up. Where is it? what the directions? Etc. Should I confront him with this lie?
The best p
sorry senstive new key pad..
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior as Dr. Phil popularized.....
Have you ever confronted him in the past under similar conditions?
yes, with the two girls he was seeing I confronted him with texts, phone bills and spoke to the girl. He went trhough the roof, threw me, crumpled up the evidence, screamed, drobve away for hours. Anytime I have confronted him about this type of this like why did you lie or with hold info he freaks out.Here is another example. he asked me if I wanted to go to this thing called medieval times show. I asked him have you ever gone to a show like that before and he said no. Well 3 weeks later I find a vase with the logo and confront him and he tells me " A snoop gets what they deserve" I said why lie about something so trival? He drove off and whenever he comes home he NEVER discusses the issue or argument. We have been to two therapist and eventhough they tell him he's extreme he goes ahead and blames me. If she didn't confront me I wouldn't have done it.
Got it. That's more serious. When you say threw me? What do you mean? My safety-sense is tingling...
yes he has been aggressive. The therapists told him it was wrong & extreme. And he feels if I didn't confront him he wouldn't act out. Why does he freak out when confronted with the truth? Especially over non issues.
What kind of work does he do?
I will answer your questions but I want to get more information first.
He works at a telecommunication company. He is a line worker. He had 3 girlfriends before me all over 250 lbs. Ive known him since high school ( 20 plus years) his first experiences with women (strippers) he had to pay for female attention or see them naked. He did pay these girls to masturbate him in public because he could not get any female contact. NOw that stuff I know he lied about because he doesn't want to be seen like that type of guy. He was not attractive, severe acne n skinny. First girlfriend at age 21 used him for her school work assignments. Next girlfriend 23 lasted 9 years he was cruel to her and combative. The last girlfriend lasted on and off for 5 yrs. When he doesn't like something he will break up with someone. During that relationship he cheated with overweight welfare people he met online. He was embarassed when one of those girls came into my office and applied for services. She was a serial drug user. He was ashamed. That was one of the two girlfriends.And a very long, Long history of porn
So, how is this affecting you personally, emotionally?
I am a chruch goer, colled educated social worker at the dept of Social Services. I am well respected in my community and very well liked and to top that off very attractive. That is not my perception but of others. He has b een very threatened since the onset of our relationship because of all the male and female attention I do get. To put him at ease I have changed my clothing attire to be more conservative but that really hasn't limited the attention. He on the other hand appears very much like a hick, chain smoker, loner, awkward and shy.
Also, what are his top 2 or 3 positive characteristics? The one's you fell in love with him and married him for?
The classic woman crap. He's a good provider and good step parent to my son. I feel he could learn how to be a better person and I think he does want to be a better man.
Thank you for the additional info. Now how are you affected emotionally by these events?
What is it like when your emotional connection to him is strong?
When you feel loved and safe..
What qualities in him have brought these positive connective feelings out in you?
I dont know what to believe when he leaves the house or what he is doing. He used to go to strip clubs during his lunch hours at work with his prior girlfriends and buy porn and go to adult book stores. I don't dare ask if hes doing that now because i don't want to fight so I feel lied to all the time. If he lies about the small stuff then he must be lying about the big stuff too
I hear the lack of trust and the reasons for it, very clearly. Thi
This is very normal given what you've described here. But what about the tender feelings between you historically, would you mind answering the questions I ask above related to your positive connection in the past?
I feel it is strong. My parents know him and he can be a gentlemen open doors, cook and a little cleaning. So his behavior is making me feel.
Ok, and finally, would you mind telling me more about your therapy experience with your husband?
What kind of therapist did you see (training/credentials)?
What was their formal assessment statement regarding the lying and freaking out behaviors?
We saw a LMFT and a LCSW and were referred to another LMFT. Our therapist always told him behavior was extremem and inapproprite. For example she told him when he didn't like what I said to him there was no reason for him to rip his shirt off and throw it at my face. She did inform him that he was abusive and needed to get self control. She felt that if he learned to communicate better he would n't act on his emotions and could have a discussion. However, she never gave any tasks or skills for him to work on to calm down when he gets upset.
And your extensive social work background and training would alert you to the need for these important changes...
What would you tell one of your clients facing the same situation, in terms of our question here, your social work back ground and the discussion we've had so far in chat?
I deal with children and not grown men. I can understand why he treats me like an object because of his experiences with sex. I am more of a plaything and not a real person at times.When he gets unhappy with me he acts like a 5yr old throwing his toys and leaving the sandbox.
However, why do men lie when there is no consequence to the lie
My sense is that there may be a more clinically significant pattern here, that a LMFT or LCSW would identify as falling outside the scope of practice of a basic marital therapy intervention. What are your thoughts?
I'm not sure, based on your description that this a question about men generally, but about your husband's presentation specifically.
I think you need to consult a professional, perhaps a clinical psychologist, to explore the potential clinical implications of this behavior and to develop a safety plan for addressing them.
I'd like to think that he is normal and lies to escape an unpleasant event but I don't know... What would be a good way to confront him that I know he lied
Again, given your description in our chat, a far more comprehensive clinical assessment is required. Safety planning is also indicated prior to any sort of confrontation base on the past reactions you've described and the failure of marital counseling or non-mental health related marital therapy in the past.
Does that make sense?
I've noticed you stepped out of the chat. I think I have satisfactorily answered your question based on the information you've provided through our 90 minutes of chatting. Please don't forget to press the "Accept" button so that I am recognized for my professional work here and paid for it as well. I wish you the very best.