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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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Good Day, Six months ago, I got involved with a man who was in the process of separating

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<p>Good Day, Six months ago, I got involved with a 46 year old man who was in the process of separating from his wife of three years. His account is that during the last 2 years, there was little intimacy, friendship and togetherness of most sorts.</p><p>She asked for but they mutually decided on divorce. He moved out and filed for divorce. He went to counseling and has realized he has a lot of issues from his past (childhood) and is in the process of determining if those issues and her past issues are what has caused the divorce/separation. In the meantime, he said he cannot talk to me and has ended it. I am not usually foolish, have been divorced for 5 years, am happy and well balanced and was not looking for love to speak of. I feel that he is whom I am meant to be (soulmate) with but now am wondering what the outcome will be.   Since she found out about me, she has pulled out all the stops to get him back and now wants him to move back in. She is very controlling and manipulative but is going to counseling and vows she has and is changing. This is her 3 marriage, his first.    He is taking it slow but is not sure if she and he have a chance. During this process, he and I appear to be over. He said he loves me and thinks of me all the time but owes it to his committment to work on things until he is sure it is over and he is making thte decisions based on a healthy place and for the right reasons. Makes sense? What do I do now other than move on..Is there a chance he will come back and do these things work out typically? Do you have any insights? </p>
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through this experience.

What you describe it sounds like this particular man might have unresolved issues/conflicts with his wife and as he is progresses in the counseling he is realizing that some of those unresolved conflicts if resolved might actually bring him closer to his wife. In other words he might be realizing that certain miscommunications or misunderstandings were at the heart of their estrangement. As a result he probably wants to give things a fair shot and see where the chips fall.

On the other hand, in spite of knowing you for a short duration (6 months) it sounds like he is clearly fond of you.

What makes this hard for you is his going back and forth - i.e. he decided that he wanted to be with you after the two of you took 3 weeks off, yet now he has called it off with you.

In one sense what he is doing makes sense for the long-term since you probably wouldn't want him to be all gaga right now but waver about this relationship and go back to his wife at some later point. So it's good that he's working through it now instead of later.

My recommendation would be to give him some more time, as much as you're comfortable with and see where this goes. I wouldn't wait indefinitely. His telling you that he loves you and thinks about you certainly adds to the complexity since he has called off the relationship with you. That is why I would encourage you to ask him to not complicate it so much and to only take this forward if he's sure of what he's doing and if he can let go of his ex-wife. But to keep you hanging this way is not very fair to you. If he's unable to make a concrete decision soon as to who he'd like to be with, I would encourage you to consider moving on.

I hope this was helpful.

Please do let me know if you have questions/thoughts/reactions to what I wrote above.

Warm regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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