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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5416
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Is excessive texting with the opposite sex, while married,

Customer Question

Is excessive texting with the opposite sex, while married, cheating? By excessive I mean, every evening, all evening, all day and night Sundays, Christmas Day, New Years and while on vacation with your wife. Please help? As this happened 5 yrs ago with phone calls with the same woman? I can't get past the betrayal.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Anytime a person goes outside of their marriage and has a relationship with another person, it is cheating. This relationship can be based on texting, talking (sharing intimacy), sex or other contact.

 

The only time your husband should have contact with the opposite sex is if you are included. By that I mean if he is friends with a female, you must be included in that friendship. You should never be lied to or deceived about any contact he has with anyone of the opposite sex. If he lies or hides the relationship, it is cheating.

 

Your husband also should not be texting this person, at all at anytime. His primary relationship should be with you.

 

Has he admitted to this relationship? Has he taken responsibility? He needs to do so in order to save your marriage. These are his actions so he must take the blame and begin to work on rebuilding the trust in the relationship. To start, he should have no more contact with this person. He then needs to take the initiative and work with you to repair the damage. His communication with you must be open and honest. No lying, contact with females (other than work relationships) and he should go to counseling with or without you to deal with why he had this relationship outside of his marriage.

 

You mentioned that you both saw a counselor. Did it help? If not, you might want to see another. Finding a good counselor that you click with can sometimes take a few tries, just like it does when you try to find a good family doctor. You can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. If your husband doesn't want to go to counseling with you or feels he needs to see one on his own, then you should see one as well. It will help you work on the feelings you have about the betrayal.

 

There are also some books that may help you:

 

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht

 

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Keep in mind it is very normal for you to feel betrayed. You had the idea of a good marriage taken away by what your husband did. Be good to yourself, give yourself time to cope, mourn your loss (of the relationship you had before the affair), and keep talking to others. A good counselor, your pastor and family and friends can all help you work through your pain and your marriage.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I agree totally. Five years ago he had phone relations with this woman behind my back and now it started again in text messaging. I can only go back three months. He has admitted to the text because of the evidence. He said he was bored and that they share a common bond. Death. Our adult son committed suicide 9 years ago. But him and I share that common bond also. He swears that there hasn't been any physical contact but I don't believe him. I cannot trust him. we went to counseling for a year and it did help. I also forgave and lived in the present and the future since I couldn't change the past. but now it happens again with the same woman and another one. He is willing to do anything but this is the worst feeling in the world. I don't think I am willing to push it all aside again only for it to happen again. He promises it won't but he did that then too.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

First, I am very sorry about your son. My condolences to you.

 

It sounds like your husband is being dishonest about the relationships he is having. Unfortunately, since he will not stop the behavior, it is up to you on how you want to handle it. I agree with you, your husband should be turning to you in shared grief over your son. He has no need to share this grief with others unless you are included.

 

You have a couple of options here. You can stay in the marriage, accept his behavior, and continue the relationship for other reasons (financial, your other children- if you have any, etc). This leaves you to deal with his behavior, but if you feel the benefit of staying outweighs the benefit of leaving, then you could chose this option.

 

Two, you can stay in the marriage and insist he see a counselor with you. Make it a condition that he stops all contact with these women and that he owns up to the responsibility of what he has done. As you said, he has not been honest so far, but this option gives him another chance to do so.

 

Third, you can leave the marriage. In this case, you may want to contact an attorney first to learn your rights, particularly regarding your husband's infidelities. This is a tough choice, no matter how you look at it.

 

I highly recommend that you talk to others first before you decide, whether that is a counselor, friends, family or anyone else you trust. Right now, you need support. Also consider a support group. You may already be familiar with them if you went to one when your son died, but if not, they can be a source of great comfort, mainly because of the support they provide and the comforting fact that you are not alone.

 

Either way, you are certainly grieving many losses. You need to give yourself a break and take as much care of yourself as you can. Familiarize yourself (if you are not already) with the grieving process and let yourself go through the stages. Sometimes, you may feel overwhelmed and that is ok. Comfort, care and being easy on yourself are the best remedies right now. Someday you will feel better. It's hard to believe right now, but you will.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5416
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your wisdom. I really haven't talked to much about this, as it just happened and I don't want others knowing. I am so glad to have an unbiased opinion as it will help in my making my decision. Thank you.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are welcome! I am glad I could help. I think it is very brave of you to reach out like you did.

 

Please take care.

 

Kate

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