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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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Hi, I have been married for 13 years, and I just found out

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Hi, I have been married for 13 years, and I just found out that he has been looking at naked women on the internet the last 13 years. I caught him one night after waking up in the middle of the night while he was in the study room. I am so hurt and he has promised me that he will never do that again after seeing how hurt I am. I love him and he is a wonderful father to our two children and i know that he loves me very much as well. I just dont know if I can trust him again, will he do it again when I am not around? Please help me to find some answers. Thank you
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Welcome to JA.com. Thank you for bringing this question to us. It must be very difficult for you right now. I've worked with couples in my private practice who have faced and resolved this issue. Do you mind if I ask a few questions to better understand your situation?

Are you available for a brief chat exchange?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Hi I was just working with another customer. Could you mind telling me about your discussion or discussions related to your discovery? Do you and your husband talk openly and frankly about the problem? What do you say and then how does he reply?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I confronted him immediately and i just couldn't stop crying as i was so shock.
He said that he was very sorry to have hurt me like that, we have been talking very openly regarding this issues. This actually happened last year (March) and its been over a year but I am still struggling with trust issues. Everyday the image of what I saw that night in March comes to me and I feel so betrayed especially from my husband whom I have trusted so completely and I would have never thought that he would be doing something like this behind my back. I have asked him over the years if he does look at those website and he said to me clearly 'No".

After that night, he answered that he has been looking for the entire of our marriage.

I was so hurt after that, the fact that he had lied to me all this years.

For the last year, we have been through a lot, we both love each other very much and I know that he wants us to move on and forget about the past but I am the one that is suffering everyday about what has happened. The fact that I love him very much thats why it hurts a lot more. He is a wonderful husband and very caring, I could not have asked for a better husband but I dont know if I can trust him again.

I have installed the spy software on all our computers, I feel so horrible doing it and I have told him what I did and he said that "he is very sorry for what he did, he can't take back what has happened but will promise to never hurt me again after what he saw how sad I was".

Some days we are very happy and some days I am sad and he couldn't do much or say much as he knew what made me sad.

After the incident, I have suicidal thoughts and have been contacting the suicidal hotline for help. Now I am ok but just cant go past the trust issues.

I am very scared that this might happen again. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him (likewise for him) but I also don't want him to have to live with me and live a lie like he has been doing for the past 13 years. ( I am 38 years old and he is 39)

He has asked me to go the see a marriage counsellor together to help us go through with this problem. Do you think it is a good idea?

Kindest regards,

Anthee

Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
I'm reading your detailed message here. Thank you for that very clear description of your situation. I am going to read each separate part and respond in turn as I read.

First as a marital therapist who has worked with many couples in crisis, I am actually proud of your husband for comming right out with the full truth. I know it must hurt you so deeply, but it is absolutely essential that he be totally honest with you here. With total honesty, you can turn this around and really use this horrible experience to strengthen your marriage. You may not see it now but you can get help and resolve this.....
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Can you please recommend us a marriage consellor in Sydney?
Thank you sincerely
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Regarding the therapist search, how far are you from "Spring-Hill"?


I also agree with your choice to install spyware. It is actually your husband's core responsibility to help you build trust for him again, and the sense that he will protect you emotionally from such behaviors. He needs to be fully transparent here with absolutely nothing to hide from you until you start to feel strengthened trust and emotional safety again.

Yes I'll do a therapist search. let me do some research for you right now....
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
This is the best marital therapist and marital therapy researcher in the world:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM

This is the therapy you that I most recommend:

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59&Itemid=54

Please go to this page and scroll down to "country search"

Select Australia. There is an EFT trained therapist in Perth. But if you can get to Spring-Hill you could work with one of the top EFT therapists in your Country. Please call one or both therapists soon, they will answer your questions over the phone about setting up appointments.
I'd also like you and your husband to learn how to overcome his addictive internet behavior. Here's an interview I'd like you to listen with your husband. The guy being interviewed is the world expert on how to overcome addictive behaviors:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/negotiate/2010/03/18/complete-idiots-guide-to-changing-old-habits-for-g

Your husband is self-medicating with pornography, he's addicted to internet the way a smoker, drinker or drug user is addicted and needs to break the habit through proven methods and strategie. He needs to address this with you systematically:

This one is a little bit wordy (by the same guy in the interview above) but please both of you read this and talk about your strategy to tackle that addictive behavior together. You can bring this up with your marital therapist also:

http://www.bhrm.org/guidelines/RPT%20guideline.pdf

http://ezinearticles.com/?Relapse-Prevention---Living-Life-in-Recovery&id=3707215

I hope this has helped you. It is the most relivant info available to your current challenge. You guys can pull through this together and be stronger and more in love than you ever were! It's going to take work. I wish you and your husband the very best!

Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Hi again. Even if you decide not to pay for my answer, I want to make sure that you have connected with an EFT therapist and that you have both had a chance to look at the relapse prevention resources I supplied for a "real" strategy to get the behavior of concern here, under full control.

Please leave a brief message to update me on your current situation, even if just to say that you're doing ok.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Duddy,

I have looked at the website that you have suggested regarding eft therapist but the one in Sydney near my house is not quite what I am after, it is more like a training institution. I would prefer a marriage counsellor who can help us get through this difficult time.
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Ok well let me take a look aroud for you and do some thinking about the next best course of action. I have few ideas that I think will be helpful...back shortly...
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
Behavioral couples therapy may be even more suitted here because it targets addictive behaviors very effectively. It's an evidence-based therapy like EFT. It has been applied very effectively to drug treatment, alcohol treatment and sexual addictions, when partner has these kinds of challenges. When they talk about alcohol or drug relapse the same treatment framework transfers perfectly to your husband's behavior of concern. They get incredible results:

http://www.family-focus.org.uk/behavioral-couples-therapy

I would contact actual behavioral couples therapists in this program and talk to them directly if you can. They won't charge you to get contact info for highly qualified behavioral therapists in Sydney. Find out who is fully trained in BCT in your area. Get a list of contact numbers, ask questions about how the therapy works. It has a set number of sessions so you won't waist money. It applies the same kinds of principals from the behavioral relapse prevention approach above. Please let me know your thoughts:

http://www.clinic.psy.uq.edu.au/services/couples.html
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
I do apologize, I can't find specific and properly trained "behavioral couples therapy" practioners online in your area. There are many, many therapist lists but it's impossible to determine their precise training without contacting them. Again, the best thing to do here is contact that university program. 1) Make sure you tell them you want "behavioural couple's therapy" the 2) "evidence-based program."

The best, XXXXX XXXXX thing you can do is talk to those therapists in the university program and find out who in your area has the full training in this method.

I would very much appreciate knowing you have made these contacts and have located a therapist to work with in your area. I look forward to your response on this. Did you read and listen to the relapse-prevention links I forwarded?
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