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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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Do you think that you can date someone for 4 yours (I am a

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Do you think that you can date someone for 4 yours (I am a divorced Mom of 2 teenage girls, hes a Dad to a 11 year old boy), but not feel ready to get married. I Love him, but am having difficulty blending the 2 families. A few red flags. I need to add that his son is 1 hour away from where I live, so communiting for visitation/sporting events is an issue. Also Pete is very jealous. We have talked alot about that but doesnt really change long term.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like, even though you have dated for 4 years, you are unsure about blending the families and putting everyone under one roof. You have good reasons here to be concerned. Can you tell me how Pete's jealousy shows up? In what kinds of situations and how he behaves when jealous?

Also, how are your girls in relationship to Pete and his son? DO they seem to get along?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

The children get along great. Pete has a much different parenting style than I do, also his son has ADHD. My girls are very protective of me and think that we do not have enough in common to with each other, but also when we are with eachother, Pete hovers, hugs and kisses on me constantly which make the kids uncomfortable.

His jealousy can be when I place the kids over him because of a change in schedule with their father, or if we are somewhere and someone looks at me or I make a comment about a male. He will say "you don't want this, I give you everything my love is unconditional". I own my own business and he wants to meet with me if I have lunch meetings with males. He constantly thinks they are on the make. That their intentions are not business.

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay thank you for the additional information. It's great that the kids get along well. They are also living in separate households as well, and not being parented by Pete etc at this stage. The hovering you describe is clinginess and sounds over the top, which is why the kids sense it's uncomfortable. It probably gets old for you as well to have him all over you like that.

It sounds like Pete has insecurity issues which are his own to work through. The situations you describe are irrational such as needing to be at a business meeting where there are men, etc. It is not simply that he feels other men are on the make, it sounds like he also feels that you might leave him for someone else, and as there is no evidence for any of this, it really goes back to Pete needing to work through this. The fact that he gets jealous when you put the kids first, is a major red flag! You will be needing to do this quite often as life happens and kids need you, and kids come first!

I think you are wise to not marry until you are completely comfortable with these issues and feel they are resolved. It's great that you are starting counseling and I feel it's necessary and will be very beneficial for you.

The deadline place for engagement will more than likely be dropped once counseling begins, as April 4th is soon approaching and you will need time to see if these issues can improve. If Pete insists on the deadline, I would most certainly NOT allow that to influence you and simply let him go, if he sticks to the deadline. Counseling is what is needed here, time to then see if things can improve. If they do, perhaps you will decide to marry. If they don't improve or not enough to where you feel really really comfortable, and Pete doesn't want to just keep dating, then you may need to move on from the relationship. Please click ACCEPT button so I'm credited for my help today. Feel free to continue the discussion with me, even after accepting. Thank you and best wishes.

Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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