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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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She is someone who is not deceiving person and has a good heart.

Customer Question

She is someone who is not deceiving person and has a good heart. The thing is that when we were best friends she would tell me everything and I remeber her going around her ex's back, when they were togethor, to see me everyday. I know for a fact that they didnt have a good relationship and we show each other every day that we love and appreciate one another. I also have to add that I have a bit of anxiety as well and my mom and sister were both cheated on with the people they were with. I do have to admit I find it hard to trust people at times. I want my girlfriend to hangout with other people but at the same time I dont want to feel that feeling of anxiety whenever shes out and thinking that maybe she's starting to feel intersted in someone else. It also makes it hard that the people that are her friends are her ex's or someone she had a crush on a long time ago before I even came into the picture.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 5 years ago.

Yes I can understand how there are a variety of factors that come into play, that contribute to you feeling anxious and at times, mistrustful. It's important that you realize you two do have a good and honest relationship. One that was based on true friendship so the foundation is established.

I think that what might be needed here is to have a talk with your girlfriend that of course you want her to hang around friends, but maybe there could be some kind of agreement or understanding that certain people make you uncomfortable. For example, maybe she could not hang out often with those she had a crush on or those who are friends with her ex. See what she says about that...maybe she would be willing to do that, and see your point. It's reasonable to bring that up. Now that she is in a relationship with you, it's about the two of you deciding what is mutually acceptable for both of you. So, use that open honesty that you have with her to talk about these things. Also let her know that you trust her, but would simply feel much more comfortable if she saw friends where there was no romantic interest or connection. That seems reasonable and of course let her know you would do the same for her.

Again, trust her, unless evidence shows otherwise in the present time. And also speak up with what is bothering you and the two of you reach mutually agreeable solutions.

 

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I know she wont agree with me telling me who she can or cant hangout with. She says that if I were friends with my ex's she wouldnt have an issue with that. I do believe her because with her ex girlfriend she never had an issue with her still being friends with her ex's as long as there were no lingering feelings.
Expert:  Kristin replied 5 years ago.
Okay, well that is how her ex girlfriend felt about it, but is not necessarily how you feel about it. But, your feelings might be based on some anxiety about trusting her overall. It is important that you let her know you do trust her, but also have anxieties and insecurities. If she is not agreeable to this idea, then you can't make her do that of course, and you will have to simply go back to that evidence based thought log, of if there is any evidence that supports your feelings. If she doesn't have any lingering interest in any of these friends, than that would be okay. Maybe you could all hang out together as well, and that could help to ease your anxiety.

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