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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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I am 34 weeks pregnant, and I think my husband is depressed.

Resolved Question:

I am 34 weeks pregnant, and I think my husband is depressed. Last night he told me is not in love with me and hasn't been for a while. I knew things were not great, but this was a bit of a surprise. He said he has been thinking about leaving. I suggested he talk to a professional first. We have been together almost 20 years, married 12 and this is our first child. Over the years he has lost many important people in his life, and I believe he has never accepted these deaths and has allowed himself to stay in the "ager" phase of grief. FOr the past few years he ahs been increasingly negative, and has withdrawn from me and activities generally, he also has very low self esteem and talks negatively about himself. I have tried to be supportive and encouraging and positive. I love him and am not wiling to give up on our marriage but am losing hope. It is hard to hear that your husband doesn't love you. What should I do to help him?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.

Therapist :

Thank you for bringing your question to JA.com. I'd like to try and help. Do you mind if I ask a few clarifying questions to better understand your situation?

Customer:

Sure.

Therapist :

Thank you. Have you considered attending evidence-based marital therapy together?

Customer:

I'm not sure what that is, but I have offered to attend couples counseling. He said he would, but then has never taken any action to get a referral.

Therapist :

Well I'm quite concerned about you, your husband and your new babe on the way. To be honest, the first thing I thought about when reading your question was Emotion Focused Marital therapy or EFT. So I thought I'd cut right to the heart of the matter here...I'll continue typing...

Therapist :

EFT is the best available marital therapy available. It's evidence-based in that it is heavily supported by lots of high quality research. EFT has recently been found to "cure" clinically diagnosed mild to moderate depression in one partner, more or as effectively, than evidence-based counseling and/or medication that targets depression treatment alone. Still typing...

Therapist :

EFT gets its positive results in as little as 7-10 sessions and the relationship repair, even in highly distressed/disconnected couples at 5 year follow up. My concern with EAP counseling, is that you may not have all of the benefits of mutual marital therapy. My preference here would be that you try to save your marriage and get your husband the help he needs in the process. Most professional counselors are simply not aware of EFT yet, and wouldn't know to refer. I'd rather see your family get the best available therapy. I have no affiliation and am not marketing. I've been to EFT myself. I've also worked with hundreds of couples in private practice who were in crisis or completely disconnected. Once I stabilize them behaviorally, I always refer to EFT and have only heard very positive results from clients. You're in Canada and EFT is based in Canada. What are your thoughts here?

Therapist :

Here is brief link: http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80

Therapist :

Grief counseling may be indicated, and a specially trained EPA counselor can definitely facilitate this process. But I would feel much more comfortable if I knew you explored these options and strategies with an advanced trained EFT therapist who, through detailed clinical interviewing, observation and interaction with you both could then provide the highest quality direction for how to sort out and address each potential clinical issue in logical sequence. I'll give you some time to explore what I've presented. And check back to see what your thoughts feelings and questions are after reading....

Therapist :

...

Customer:

I am willing to try anything. I know we cannot just let time go by and hope things will improve. I have told my husband that I have to keep a strong focus on myself and the baby now but I do want to be supportive of him as well. How do I get a referal to an EFT therapist in my area?

Therapist :

First, I agree that the best possible focus and support be made available to all 3 of you. Where in Canada are you located if you don't mind me asking, - what city and province?

Customer:

We are in Halifax, Nova Scotia

Therapist :

Let me do a quick search and get back to you in a moment.....

Therapist :

Here is short video of Dr. Sue Johnson the founder of EFT, while I look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM

Therapist :

Here are the EFT therapists in your area. You want to make sure you work with someone who has the "S" or the "C" beside their name. S for supervisor is best because you are getting one of the best marriage therapists in the world, likely trained and supervised by Sue Johnson herself. The minimum you should accept is a C for certified. This a fully trained EFT therapist by Sue Johnson in part but supervised by someone with an "S" beside their name:

Therapist :

http://www.ocfi.ca/cgi-bin/eft/searchbyregion.cgi

Therapist :

You can call directly yourself to set up an appointment. You should check out your insurance as well. If there's an EAP service available there is probably insurance to cover a good part of your EFT session costs if not the whole thing. Insurance companies love evidence-based treatments like this because they save so many costs in the long run.

Therapist :

I'd present it to your husband as just what it is, the best available short term, evidence-based therapy to find out if you're marriage can be saved and what to do if can't be, so that everyone involved gets the support they need. If he's depressed than it may be helpful to all involved for you to set the first appointment here. EFT therapists follow a highly researched manual ized approach. They know how to build very positive therapeutic relationships in a short period of time.

Therapist :

I want you to know that I have had many, many very distressed couples come to my office reporting that they were both no long in love with each other. Many with children. With the right supports they most often learn how to love and support each other very deeply again. This is what I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX you and your family.

Customer:

Thank you. I will talk with my husband and hope we will pursue EFT.

Therapist :

You're most welcome. I wish you and your family the very best!

Therapist :

Please don't forget to press the "Accept" button if you are satisfied with my answer. I'd also really appreciate your brief positive feedback at sign out..

Therapist :

P.S. Here is the find a therapist link again. I tested the one I gave you earlier and it didn't work. Just select Halifax in the city select a city section:

Therapist :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59&Itemid=54

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