Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.DID
, or MPD as it used to be known, is real. The loss of recall for time passed, depression, self injury, chaotic job or relationship history are all common issues with DID. I am sorry to hear that things have deteriorated to the point that suicidal or escape thoughts are the only comfort you can find now. This level of depression can indicate that your medications are not as effective as they should be, which means a change might be in order. It can also happen when alters inside are making your outside life miserable because you have stalled in recovery. There could be serious memories and emotions that they need to process to move past this barrier.
First, you should be working with a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma or PTSD. Secondly, you need to find a talk therapist who has worked in-depth with DID. Many therapists are not trained to deal with DID, so they may not be helping you get to the core issues that need to be addressed. Lastly, get educated and find support specific to DID. The more you learn, the more you will start figuring out what your alters need. You can learn to live with them, instead of in battle trying to keep them locked away or trying to keep yourself in denial. There are several support groups based in email format on Yahoo and Google groups. You may also want to read websites from people with DID such as http:www.2multiples.com/twcrew/
I can't tell if you mean that you are without insurance, or if your insurance has capped or refused additional treatment. Many therapists are willing to work on a reduced cash fee if you ask. If you have a college or university near you that has a graduate program training therapists and counselors they may offer counseling services at low or no cost based on your income. You won't get as good of counseling, but it can be better than nothing. You can also call 211 from a local phone to see if there are counseling services for survivors of abuse. Many women's shelters and rape crisis centers offer low cost counseling to men and women dealing with childhood abuse issues or PTSD. This would be a step up from the college counseling services, and you may luck out and find a CPU Elle who has worked with DID. You can also contact Sidran.org and ISSD.org for more information on DID, and a list of professionals in your area who treat DID.
But there is hope. I have worked with DID and I have seen people make amazing changes. The depression you feel is a serious wakeup call that something needs to change, and in DID it usually means there is something inside that needs to be addressed before the symptoms can improve. All your alters were created to help you survive serious trauma. It would be a shame to let DID now be part of what causes you to lose your life. Keep fighting to get better, and the first step is really accepting the others inside so they can help you all move towards a healthier and happier life again.