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Selah R, M.S. LPC
Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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At times, I mis-understand my wife, and react in a condescending

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At times, I mis-understand my wife, and react in a condescending way; such as a smile, or rolling my eyes. I really don't mean to do it, but it really hurts my wife's feelings. I truely love her, and have a tremendous respect for her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I definately have other faults, but I think for the most part, I am a very supportive and loving husband other that these few instances, which I always apoligize for later. my wife says she's "done" and wants to get counseling, and I know thats a good idea, but it just seems to me that sometimes people have flaws and shortcomings, and that we should be able to deal with them in order to make a marraige work. Am I supposed to be perfect? She's certainly not, but I can embrace some of her flaws and not make a huge deal out of it, because I love her. I am very frustrated. Any thoughts?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Selah R, M.S. LPC replied 5 years ago.

Selah R, M.S. LPC : Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : Many people wait too long to start marriage counseling. If you're having problems now, get help now. Don't wait for the damage to spread.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : You can start with books and even at home DVD based seminars. Or if you're not the self-study type, jump straight in with a counselor. I highly recommend materials and counselors trained through The Gottman Institute. They will help you figure out how to change these small things that can cause major marital damage. They are also going to focus mostly on the here and now, rather than a lot of childhood exploration. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a terrific start for couples who want to improve their friendship and strengthen their marriage.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : The eye rolling may seem small to you, but our brains see that and other micro expressions as critical information. Since up to 90% of what we get out of a conversation is based on non-verbal communication like body language and facial expssions, you can see why they aren't so small at all.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : She may read them as being a sign that you are disgusted, angry, or uninterested in her or what she has to say. So it may really destroy her ability to hear what you are saying, or to remind herself that you have good qualities outside of these arguments.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : So see this request from her as a smoke signal. Some room in the house is on fire. Call the pros now, not after the whole house is in flames. The goal isn't to be perfect, or even to stop fighting, it's to make your marriage have the strongest foundation possible so that these minor storms don't do major damage.
Selah R, M.S. LPC : Sincerely,
Selah R, M.S. LPC : Selah
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