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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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where do you start when trying to save a marriage where you

Resolved Question:

where do you start when trying to save a marriage where you are just separated? First "date" is tonight, any sugestions? married 8 years with 2 girls ages 3 and 6
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


Separation is sometimes a very good thing for a marriage. It gives each person time to reflect and time to sort out how they feel. It sounds like your husband has done exactly that, worked out his feelings and now he is willing to try.


For your first date, go slowly. Try to not bring up any issues from the marriage. Treat him like you would if this was your first date ever and you are not married. To prep yourself for this, recall what made you attracted to him in the first place. Then try to remind yourself during the date. Keep the conversation light and general, but also warm and kind. Think of things ahead of time that you can bring up that are fun and interesting. Stories from your day at work or something funny you heard during your day. Ask about him and how he is. Let him talk about his thoughts. If he tries to bring up your marital problems, gently suggest you want to keep this fun and simple. Let him know you are thinking about the marriage, but you want to work on it at a later time. You just want to enjoy him now as a person.


There are some very helpful sites you can check out for help on your marital issues. Here are the links: you can learn his "language" and even bring this up on your date if you feel it is appropriate.


There are also several books that may help you as you progress through repairing you marriage:


The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver


Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg


We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) by C. Notarius and Howard Markman

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman


I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage by Dr. XXXXX XXXXXe and Dr. William G. Clarke


You can find these on or your local library may have them available for you.


I hope this has helped you,

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