How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask David Akiva Your Own Question
David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
David Akiva is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im feeling that I have nothing to live for, feeling hopeless

This answer was rated:

I'm feeling that I have nothing to live for, feeling hopeless and horrible about myself in everyway.

I just lost my mother alittle over 3 weeks ago to Alzheimers. I had been her caretaker at home for 4 years - then the person who took care of everything while she spent her almost last 5 years in a long term care facility. I took on the role as matriarch of the family, guardian of my autistic nephew, mother to 3, full time employed, etc. I don't even have time to cry - too much going on.

I have been dating someone for a couple of years and we just bought a house together - not living in it yet. We had this planned before my mother passed away. Well, I just find that the closer it is to me moving in, the more that is wrong with me. He tells me that he wants reassurance that I won't do this or that - and he refers to something between me and my ex even though he screamed at me last week that we are not to talk about our exs anymore, he tells me that I am disappointing and that he is insulted, he tells me that I don't respect him, but he'll hang up the phone on me - little tiny nothings are blown out of proportion - I just don't think he likes me very much.

I'm so sad. I am angry for believing my life would be happy and good - I have 3 kids thinking we are moving and that I'm getting married - but my life is a living hell. It is. I no control over my day - I can wake up happy and get ready for work, get a phone call and say the wrong thing or what is interpreted to be a wrong thing and that's it....I'm annoying, disappointing, day is in the ditches. I have nothing to live for.

Therapist :

Hello. Welcome to You've provided some very detailed information in your question. Thank you. I'm very sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now and it must be affecting your kids at times also. Let me get right to researching and writing out an answer that I think will be very helpful to you based on my work with couples and individuals in my private practice. I'll be back shortly to post your formal answer.

Therapist :

Let me get right to the heart of the matter here. I want to help you with the best available answer and supportive information. The sooner you can get this relationship issues resolved the sooner you can start to feel healthy and happy again, for yourself and for your children.

I’d like to start by saying that most emotional distress and conflicted or negative communication in relationships, like you’ve described, come from chronically unmet core-relationship needs. The most fundamental relationship needs are those associated with emotional attachment. These are the basic needs to feel loved, safe and secure with our partners, much the same way that a child needs to feel loved and protected by a loving parent.

The most in-depth and comprehensive modern research in relationship science shows that these attachment needs in adults are in many ways as crucial to our emotional health and wellbeing as food and air are to our physical well-being. It sounds to me that your both you and your boyfriend are experiencing chronically frustrated attachment needs.

Researchers can now predict divorce (and the marital research is directly applicable to non-married or engaged couples) with almost 100% accuracy based on how couples communicate around hot-button issues like, money, sex or problems with in-laws or extended families. Some of the most relationship damaging communication styles include the “criticism-defense” style and the stonewalling and even relationship-contempt styles. This is where one partner shuts down because their need to come first and feel deeply loved and safe with their partner goes unmet for prolonged periods of time.

Most likely, in your boyfriend’s case, his own critical communication is causing you shut down. It may be that it is actually a profound sense of love for you that leads to his hurtful (and this must stop now because it is not healthy for you and your children) criticisms of you. He may, be carrying frustrated attachment needs from a previous relationship, and his fear of losing you causes him to experience reactive-anger from those previous relationships – sometimes as far back as childhood.

Reactive-anger from these frustrated underlining tender emotional needs makes our IQ drop quickly and prevents us from thinking properly and problem-solving with our partner to get our underlining needs met.

We have close to a 50% divorce or breakup rate in this country and 80% of couples have sexual affairs. Emotional affairs numbers are likely higher but currently unmeasured. Relationship-repair and maintenance skills have to be learned. We are not born with them. It’s like learning how to drive, you want to learn good defensive driving skills before going for a drive through the city.

I strongly advise that both you and your boyfriend take action-steps to really learn some basic emotional-repair and maintenance skills. I’ve seen highly distressed couples turn the worst relationship experiences into a strong foundation of learned communication and re-connection skills that they first use to repair and improve their relationships and later draw on during times of normal relationship and life stress.

I’m providing some very good video and website learning resources to get this learning and emotionally corrective process started. I very strongly recommend that you both read Dr. Sue Johnson’s Book “Hold Me Tight” together once you’ve explored the links I share and decide how best to introduce this process to your boyfriend.

You may also wish, at some point to evidence-based couple’s counseling if things are still bumpy after you read and discuss the book together. If you do seek counseling EFT marital therapy is the best in the world. It gets results with most distressed couples in as little as 7 sessions. Results surprisingly include resolving diagnosed mild to moderate depression more effectively than medication and/or counseling that specifically target depression treatment. These results last for years with couples reporting happy healthy relationships 5 years or longer after therapy.


Here are the promised links to get this learning process started:






Here’s the book I recommended you and your partner read at or around the same time. It can provide you a practical new emotional language for discussing and resolving your relationship and communication issues:





Here’s the page for finding an EFT therapist in your area if you do decide to get some counseling again. If there isn’t one in your area talk to an EFT Clinical Trainer/Therapist to explore alternatives in your region :





If you can’t find an EFT therapist, I’d try to find an advanced trained Gotmann therapist. Here’s the link to their site, which will outline their research you are probably already familiar with. They also have a “find a therapist link” on this site:



I hope that helps. Let me know if I’ve missed anything answering your question. Your feedback is very important to me.


Please don’t forget to push the “Accept” but if you find value in my detailed answer.

Therapist :


David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Previous | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ

Meet The Experts:

  • Dr. Keane

    Dr. Keane


    Satisfied Customers:

    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane


    Satisfied Customers:

    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC


    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen


    Satisfied Customers:

    PsyD Psychologist
  • Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

    Satisfied Customers:

    ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
  • Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael


    Satisfied Customers:

    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist


    Satisfied Customers:

    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen


    Satisfied Customers:

    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Related Mental Health Questions