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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am at a stage in my recover where I have identified a lot

Resolved Question:

I am at a stage in my recover where I have identified a lot of my codependent and insecurity traits are based around lack of trust and abandonment issues. I was left alone a lot when I was a small child and handed out to family friends to be looked after on An irregular adhoc basis. I have also identified fear as something which controls me. I am sociable and likeable but avoid intimate friendships like the plague. I have a very supportive and self aware husband who let's me walk my own journey in recovery whilst offering lots of assurance and love. I need to be careful not to rely on this too much earlier to fill my voids. My question. I am working on letting go of fear through meditation however I seek practical advice as how to build up my trust quotiant. I am aware of some of the areas I need to address- and now need practise in building up trust without overwhelming me. My relationship with my higher power is becoming stronger everyday and am up for a challenge and want to change. Where do I go from here?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Your lack of trust is not surprising given how you were treated as a child. Also, your fear of intimate relationships also makes a lot of sense. These are issues that should be worked on slowly and with a steady pace. You want to be able to be sure you feel safe each time you take a step forward.

 

Trust is something that is established with practice over and over. Since you did not have a chance to develop trust with your parents, like you should have been able to, then you will have to teach yourself.

 

First, learn to trust yourself- in your life you have not only survived a bad childhood, you have made some excellent choices for yourself. You have a great husband, despite your trouble with intimate relationships, and you are working on your own issues and making progress. This all shows that you trust that you will get better and you can trust your own judgment. These are all big positives.

 

Second- learn to trust others. You have started this with your husband. And you are reaching out for help, a good sign of trust and strength. So you are well on your way with a good base already. In your daily life, look for opportunities to trust others. Friendships, other healthy family members and co workers are all chances to try out your trust with others. Start with something minor and work your way up.

 

Third, learn to trust God. Your pastor would be a good person to talk with about this. But learning that God loves you no matter what and keeping that in mind when you feel low or troubled. Reading about God and talking with others also helps. Prayer can be a big help as well. Keep in mind that God is helping you all the time and you can turn to Him when you have no other place to go.

 

Fourth, share your feelings of mistrust. Start with your husband (you may have already done this) and your closest friends. Share that you are afraid of trust. Let them share with you ways they can be there for you.

 

Fifth, notice all the people you can trust. A salesclerk to help you, a waiter to bring you your food, the mailman, etc. Most people can be trusted do what they are supposed to do.

 

Sixth, look around you at other people's behaviors. When people act trustworthy in small ways, they are most likely trustworthy in the bigger ways too. A person's behaviors will tell you a lot about who they are and what they are capable of doing.

 

There are also some books that may help you get started:

 

The Courage To Trust: A Guide To Building Deep And Lasting Relationships by Cynthia L. Wall and Sue Patton Thoele

 

Learning to Trust God by Deborah J. Kern

 

Soar Unafraid: Learning to Trust No Matter What by Jo Franz

 

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them available.

 

Through all of this, remember you are strong. You are a survivor and you are able to move forward and heal from what happened. That is the best sign that you will succeed and recover.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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