How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5454
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Well we might have openned a can of worms, that is my life,

Resolved Question:

Well we might have openned a can of worms, that is my life, here. I have had hours of counciling and not one of the psychologist or the 1 psychiatrist ever did more than turn it into a talk session. No do not worry I am fairly sane as sanity goes. Just have been trying to figure myself out. I have always made bad decisions. And they are always life changeing decisions. Such as leaving my first wifr in persuit of another married woman that had all the right come ons, just to be let down by the oldest lie in the world. Please do not pass judgment yet. Before I did anything sexual I told my wife and left. We had 4 wonderful kids who by the time I left 2 were married and only one in highschool. I gave My wife the house we had lived in for 27 some odd years. No arguments or trouble in the devorce we did not even have lawyers. And dispite my utter stupidity we have remained good friends. Hell she was left my inheritance by my father.We split the money, and there was alot; 50/50 I figured that she was there with me through all the years of hell I worked or tried to work with my dad.Now he is a whole different set of issue. My whole early life was trying to please him, and to make him proud of me...well it never happened. My leaving her was not even for the sex. It was for the attention and feeling of power I derived from the other relationship. I was envolved in 3 differant affairs in the years of our marriage. Only the last one was any sex involved. Again the acceptence I got, not the sex was the important thing.My first wife was the most devoted wife with a wonderful sex drive with alot of emagination. I just could not believe some one loved me and did not want anything more than to be loved, in return. I did love her, unfortunatly just not as much as I loved myself. It was to this end for all the sessions with differant councelors. My whole life has been in persuit of some kind of contentment or happiness. But I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Dispite all the perscription drugs, nothing has helped. all I do know is this job has made the last 6 of the 9 years I have worked there the most unhappy I have ever, ever, felt. The only happy time was when I come home at night. You possibly would not believe the things I have done to not have to go, including having surgery. Though it was needed it was not absolutally emparitive, except for a little sanity. The pain of the surgery was nothing compared to the reprieve I got from this job. Everything, the bad economy, the debt I have encured for the first time in my life...feels like my fate is made. Made by me but made just the same. It has been nice just to bend someones ear, to be able to be very honest and not have to endure the look on faces that said...you dumb ass...everything that has happened to you is of your own making . Maybe that look was never there but I emagined they would say it. I ask you not to judge me to harshly, I look back on some of these things with great shame...I will never forgive myself.I always pictured myself as the HERO OF MY OWN MOVIE. But in stead of being the stud, I am the biggest dud.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

 

It sounds like you have done a lot of self reflection and do not like what you see. I understand that looking at all you have gone through is difficult, but judging yourself by looking into the past is only going to cause you to feel shame and pain.

 

People tend to do what they feel is the best thing at the time. Everyone goes through periods where they make mistakes and have regrets about choices. That is ok.

 

Are you looking to try and repair what happened, or are you looking to move forward and just deal with what you are feeling? You can do either, or both. If you feel going back and trying to repair your relationships would help, you could try talking with your first wife and letting her know how you feel now about what you did. You could also speak with your children. I think that unless there is a lot of hurt and anger on their parts, they would welcome you trying to make amends.

 

Or, if you want to move on and try to work on a better future, you can start by forgiving yourself. Keep in mind that many people do not even realize that they make mistakes in their lives and therefore continue with the same behavior. You are not doing that. You are taking a look at yourself and trying to improve what you see. This is a good thing. It shows you can grow as a person.

 

Since you have tried therapy, you may or may not want to try again. Therapy is usually a good step to take. It can help you with gaining more insight into your issues and guide you to the point you feel you can work on this yourself. But if you chose to not go back to therapy, you can work on this yourself. Try educating yourself on feelings of shame and regret. Here are some books that may help you get started:

 

Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz

 

Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by Ronald Potter-Efron and Patricia Potter-Efron

 

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel

 

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them available.

 

Also, surround yourself with support. Talk with friends and family about how you feel. Let them give you some insight into how you can move forward. Although sometimes it is hard to hear others tell us what we need to do, it can help in the long run to give you the motivation and insight you need to live without regrets.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5454
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education