How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask David Akiva Your Own Question

David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
57833540
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
David Akiva is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Dr. Phil, i am a married 48 yr old with an almost 7 yr old

Resolved Question:

Dr. Phil,
i am a married 48 yr old with an almost 7 yr old son. it seems like ever since i had my son my husband has become totally uninterested in sex of any kind. we no longer have passion or romance in our life. when i confront him about it he has all these crappy reasons of why he doesn't want it. he is not having an affair. he is 7 yrs older than me and will soon be 55. could this be a testosterone problem or has he just become distant because he now has what he wants and doesn't care about my emotions anymore? i do not want to live the rest of my life without sex! romance and passion are very important to me. i have tried everything, but with no results. can you help me?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 3 years ago.

Therapist :

Dr. Phil is incredibly busy with his show right now. That's why he's asked our clinical team to help answer some of the millions of questions he gets. I think I can help you here. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions to better provide you with a strong, practical answer?

Customer:

no

Therapist :

Thank you. What kind of reasons is he giving you for his disengagement sexually? Does he have any medical problems or conditions at this time? Are there any other issues or sources of emotional distress in your marriage? How would you rate your communication on a scale of 1 to 10?

Therapist :

Thank you so much for your patience. Once I have this basic additional information I'll get to work on a detailed answer. Good for you starting the process of resolving this issue. Many people avoid it and there are evidence-based ways of resolving these issues and really turning things around. Sex is on the top 3 list for sources of conflict in a marriage along with money issues and in-law related conflict. I'll check back again for your response.

Therapist :

..

Customer:

things like, if i don't get a shower every single day he calls me a skank. he's unhappy about my weight gain after having a child at age 40. he calls me lazy, skank, fat, etc...

Customer:

but then he turns around and tells me he loves me. HUH???? REALLY?

Therapist :

Oh my goodness, that must be so difficult for you at times. That actually boarders on verbal abuse. Let me really research an answer for you here and get it to you by tomorrow.

Therapist :

I’d like to start my formal answer to your presenting question by complementing you on really addressing this issues decreased sexual intimacy with your husband head-on. Many people don’t have the courage to talk about the problem and really get it resolved.


To answer one part of your question about the diminished testosterone, that is a very important medical question that can only be answered precisely by your family doctor. Targeted blood tests will determine the level of this hormone and inform any required medical intervention.


Two other important points for you to know is that sexual activity in couples life can and often does diminish after having a child. Although many couples do complain about and can be sensitive to their wife’s body weight gain after childbirth, this in no way excuses the hurtful negative comments he makes. These, simply have to stop.


I have a 3 step recommendation to your sexual intimacy issue, which include that you and your husband learn as much as you can about healthy relationship maintenance skills and work systematically at trying to build these into your life. Sexual intimacy often improves spontaneously through effective emotional reconnection, through strong communication and joint-problem-solving Second, seek evidence-based marital therapy if these issues are not resolved or if your sense of distress from them begins to interfere with your life (i.e. self-esteem, parenting, your sense of emotional connection to your husband etc).


I recommend taking some time to really look over the following resources and links. You may then want to share this information with your Husband, but only when both of you are have no distraction around you and when there are no conflicts or problems happening. I recommend that you both read at least the “Hold me Tight” book together and do some of the simple, short communication exercises it outlines. The author of this book is the best marital therapist and researcher in the world!


If reading and talking are not helpful, I’d ask your husband to attend at least one session of marital therapy to see if he feels comfortable. The therapists I’m recommending are the best trained in the world as demonstrated by science and so they are experts at building positive therapeutic relationships with clients (there’s a whole research literature and clinical set of best practices for doing this). Let your husband know that attending counseling in this way is as much for him and your child as it is for you.


Here are some links to help you get started in this marital learning and development process:


 


http://www.holdmetight.net/video.php


 


http://www.holdmetight.net/hold_me_tight.php


http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79


 


 


 


http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80


 


 


 


Dr. John Gottman (couples communication videos and link). If you can’t find an EFT therapist then your second best choice would be a fully trained and certified Gottman marriage therapist. This videos will be very helpful to you and your husband anyway:


 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc


 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA


 


http://www.gottman.com/


http://www.gottman.com/57329/Books-DVDs-and-Workshops.html


 


If you choose to go to couple’s therapy at some point, please make sure that you choose a therapist from this list with a “C” or an “S” beside their name and credentials (s is usually better).


 


http://www.iceeft.com/findtherapist.php


 


I strongly advise seeking out and working with a fully certified EFT therapist or advanced clinical trainer of therapists who also does therapy with clients. This will insure you and your husband the highest level of clinical competency. This martial therapy approach gets strong, lasting results in as little as 7 sessions!


 


Finally, you may also consider working with a clinical sexologist or trained and licensed sex therapist, who can provide demonstrated training and experience working with married couples. These experts are highly trained to assist clients to work on increasing the quality of their sex lives and sexual experiences with their partners. But remember, work on the emotional connection with your husband first. A trained EFT or Gotmann marriage therapist will be able to advise you regarding a referral to a clinical sexologist.


Well, I hope this helps and I wish you and your family the very best!


If you find value in this answer, please don’t forget to press the “Accept” button, so that I am recognized and paid for the work I’ve done for you.


If you feel I’ve missed something, please let me know what it is so that I can improve my answer. Your positive feedback is valuable to me, so please fill out my feedback form after you press the “Accept” button for my answer.

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
David Akiva
David Akiva
150 Satisfied Customers
Counselor; Behavioral Consultant