Hello! I was diagnosed in 2003 with Major Depression with premorbic Dysthymic (sic?) Disorder. I'd had a run-in with coworkers. I was in a small, crowded, loud office (dispatch) trying to finish up my paperwork for the day, and two different coworkers came in separately and raised their voices at me for two different issues. I needed them to leave me alone so I could finish my time-sensitive paperwork. This so overwhelmed me that I picked up my belongings and left without telling anyone. On the way out, I started crying uncontrollably. But it wasn't, like, blubbering; my face was normal, I wasn't making any noise, but my eyes would not stop crying. Of course I was also extremely frustrated and angry. The bad news: I was Active Duty military; crying at work and leaving work without notice was not good. Once the consequences my actions could have on my career hit me, I diverted to the Mental Health Clinic instead of going home. This also made sense to me because I had had problems weeping at work for the past year or so and had struggled with suicidal thoughts. I've been reading about it, and I could consider the weeping "emotional lability." Except for the above incident, the weeping spells were complete overreactions. I knew this while it was happening, but I couldn't stop it. Other things that I think might be significant that happened between 2000-2003: 1. I used to binge drink every weekend. 2. I fell backwards down two steps in a rolling office chair, hitting my head on the wooden floor (concrete subfloor). I was pretty drunk and embarrassed, so I played it off and laughed at myself. I remember being very jarred, but I don't remember dizziness
(because of alcohol) or prolonged pain. I don't remember whether I had pain or swelling the next day. 3. I began missing appointments...just forgetting I was ever supposed to go. Once I was told I'd missed the appointment, I was embarrassed and taken aback each time. One time I didn't even know what the guy was talking about until he'd been explaining it to me for a few minutes. These were sort of significant events I missed: a. Commander's call--this is a mandatory military appointment. Where was I? On the beach, sunbathing alone. My friend asked me later where I'd been. b. I was in charge of picking up a new coworker and his family from the airport and taking them to lodging then helping them get settled in over the next few months. One day I was window shopping and received a call. It was a coworker asking where I was, that my sponsoree had arrived. Fortunately, my coworker knew the new guy from being stationed with him before and took over the sponsor duties. c. I was out for dinner with some girl friends, and my coworker called and asked if I was coming to work. It never even crossed my mind that I had to work that night. Other memory/judgment problems: a. When my trip to Thailand was cancelled, I screamed and yelled at my boss (outranked me by 3 pay grades) over the phone that I was replaced by a (male) coworker because I didn't have a penis. I would describe this as being in a rage. Thailand is a prime "don't ask, don't tell" destination. The same guys seemed to rotate and at least one married guy who regularly went had a girlfriend there. b. I showed up for training in jeans and flip-flops instead of in uniform. ALSO we were supposed to take a group photo in uniform after training, which I had completely forgotten. c. I showed up for a meeting in jeans and flip-flops. I did
this after all of the other lapses in memory/judgment had happened, and I broke down in tears once the meeting was over. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I knew better than to show up in civilian clothes, and I was not/am not someone who didn't respect authority. So...the day I went to the Mental Health Clinic, the psychiatrist gave me Zoloft. After years of weeping, anger and frustration, I was so relieved
to hide behind the medication. I have since transitioned to the Reserves and have not been without antidepressants since that day. I am now on 150 mg Effexor XR and 200 mg Lamotrigine prescribed by my psychiatrist who is also my GP, and I have weekly appointments with my psychologist. I gained 50lbs in 6 years (I'm 5'2"; went from 120 to 170), lost 30 of it with Alli & diet and gained back 10 when I stopped the Alli. I've held steady at 150lbs for about the past year. Now I am in trouble with the Reserves because I can't seem to muster the motivation to maintain a fitness regimen regularly to stay fit and pass
my military fitness assessments (1.5mile run, push-ups, sit-ups). I was constantly tired and would sleep through entire weekends. My psychiatrist/GP sent me for a sleep study. I had ~50-80 (can't remember exactly) arousals, but not from apnea. So he put me on Nuvigil 250mg for morning and Klonopin 1mg for night. While I have much more energy, I still have zero motivation. My psychiatrist and psychologist seem very skeptical about my lack of motivation. ThankYou!