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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Im 51, filed for divorce from an alcoholic husband with mental

Resolved Question:

I'm 51, filed for divorce from an alcoholic husband with mental disorders...was married for 15 years.....Last year after being separated i fell in love with a man 10 years older than me, who mentored me ...i made him a priority in my life but he kept me virtual cause he is married (claimed to have nothing to do with his wife other than social convention)...he calls and doesn't call and i am feeling real separation anxiety and fear of abandonment.....lack of nurturing as a child did happen as well as while married....please do advise....i'm strong but sometimes i do feel lost.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

Customer:

hi Luann

Customer:

yes?

Customer:

Luann are you there?

Luann :

It sounds like you do a lot of good things for yourself but are finding it is not quite enough. I encourage you to get more emotional support for yourself. Get into a support group like Alanon or a divorce group. I also encourage you to get into individual therapy. Therapy will give you more support, help you process your feelings and assist you in deciding what to do with the man you have fallen in love with.

Luann and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Sorry Luann i pressed the accept button by mistake......the man i've fallen in love with calls and then again does not but i sort of hang on to him for emotional support.....coz he and i have a similar cultural background.....also he is very successful and a terrific mentor.....kids give me a lot of emotional support as do my friends....why am i so hung up on this guy/
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Luann?
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.
This man was important to you during a transitional time. His on again, off again behavior is like a slot machine, you never know when the pay out will be so you keep playing . . . You should probably distance yourself from him. He is married and unlikely to commit to the kind of relationship that you deserve. Get into therapy and get on with your life. You deserve better.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
every time i try to distance myself, i feel really sad and have real trouble letting go...i feel very sentimental and attached to him on that basis.....also, he helps me a lot by mentoring me into great success in my business....i write poetry and he also acted as my muse......like a child i yearn for him.....
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.
It will not be easy to distance yourself from him but it is also not easy to be in a relationship with him. You have to choose what is going to have the best outcome for you. My guess is that staying with him is only going to lead to more sadness, disappointment and hurt. If that is what you want, then stay with him. Is this the same pattern as your marriage? Therapy could help you look at your options and process your feelings about these options. It would also help you look at relationship patterns and make changes so you can form healthier relationships. Good luck to you, you deserve to feel happy and to have healthy relationships.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Luann.....yes i do deserve to have a healthy relationship for a change. I've already taken the first step since talking to you about moving away from it and it actually doesn't feel that bad. I am better able to recognize his pattern of relating and why i relate to high achievement oriented men like him....they are not able to give much to relationships unless the relationship brings them great visibility in society.....something lacking within them.....1. they chase great success and 2. married to women who are very wealthy and status conscious.......he and my husband were friends.....this was my second marriage and my husband was somewhat unavailable as well......see the pattern here......relates to my lack of self confidence that i have to set up these folks on a pedestal instead of seeing through their emotional deficiencies.....now that i'm finally taking a firm step on my own to set up my company and see it through to real success, these guys will impress me less and I was want my needs satisfied.....will find a good counselor.....is it possible to have you as a counselor?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Luann.....yes i do deserve to have a healthy relationship for a change. I've already taken the first step since talking to you about moving away from it and it actually doesn't feel that bad. I am better able to recognize his pattern of relating and why i relate to high achievement oriented men like him....they are not able to give much to relationships unless the relationship brings them great visibility in society.....something lacking within them.....1. they chase great success and 2. married to women who are very wealthy and status conscious.......he and my husband were friends.....this was my second marriage and my husband was somewhat unavailable as well......see the pattern here......relates to my lack of self confidence that i have to set up these folks on a pedestal instead of seeing through their emotional deficiencies.....now that i'm finally taking a firm step on my own to set up my company and see it through to real success, these guys will impress me less and I was want my needs satisfied.....will find a good counselor.....is it possible to have you as a counselor? Also, sex is a key issue ......with my husband...he blamed me for his inability to perform.....and this guy kept me virtual but said he was really attracted to me......gave me a shot in the arm but did not really satisfy.....don't want this anymore even if i'm not ready to have another relationship just as yet dont want to settle like this.....i want more from a relationship if and when it happens.....want a real relationship.....dont' want to make a deal and buy into their ideas.....want a real partnership.....a solid one...thanks for everything.....can i have you as a counselor?
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.

Unless you live close to Frisco, CO, I can not be your counselor as I do not do on-line counseling. Good luck in finding someone in your area.

Luann and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you