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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my husband and I have a wonderful marriage except in the area

Resolved Question:

my husband and I have a wonderful marriage except in the area of sex and intimacy. It's gotten to the point both he and I feel depressed after a session of sex because we just don't connect that way. What can we do about that?<br />I, personally, have had problems with orgasms in the past, my husband hasn't and still doesn't.  He feels bad that I don't, and I feel like that's one reason he doesn't want to be intimate very often any more.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It is good that you and your husband are willing to talk about how you feel with each other. Communicating is one of the best ways to solve a problem like difficulty with sex and intimacy.

 

You mentioned you have tried talking, increased foreplay and in different forms and several other things. Those are all good things to try.

 

Sex and intimacy can be two different things. Intimacy is when you are close with each other and vulnerable with one another. This can mean talking, sex or anything in between.

 

Sex is the act of sexual intimacy. Touching, talking and the actual sex acts.

 

It is important to distinguish the two because when you work on this issue, you will want to understand what you are working on. One can lead to the other. Sometimes they are separate and sometimes they work together. Either or both help form the bond between you as a couple.

 

Start with intimacy. You can work on being closer by doing things that help promote good feelings between you. Date nights, special gifts or notes to one another, even time watching a movie in your pajamas and having popcorn can lead to feeling intimate with each other. Make a list of what the two of you feel makes you feel closer. Then pick from the list each week. Whatever makes you feel special and cared for can go on the list.

 

Sexually, discuss what you both find most exciting during sex.This is sometimes hard with couples, even if they have been married for a while. But often, husbands and wives don't feel it is ok to share their deepest desires. Try working on this and see where it takes you.

 

Find creative ways to share your fantasies with each other. Write a story, leave a note, whisper it to each other. Let it be a build up to the actual sex act. For example, tell your husband what you fantasize about in the morning, before you leave for the day. He will think it about all day (as you will too).

 

Have sex in other places (safe places, of course!). Always being in the same place can remind you of problems you have together. Try a getaway or just a night at a hotel. Make it into a secret meeting.

 

If you find that you continue to have problems with orgasms, talk with your doctor first. Make sure there is no physical reason why (medications can often cause these types of problems). If there is no physical reason, then consider talking with a counselor about what is going on for you. The counselor can help you discover what is happening and give you ways to resolve it.

 

Here are some books that can help you as well:

 

The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm by Vivienne Cass

 

Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming by Lou Paget

 

The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking by The Sinclair Institute and Yvonne K. Fulbright

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them available.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

 

 

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.