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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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my husband has pictures of a friends wife nude and speading

Resolved Question:

my husband has pictures of a friends wife nude and speading her legs. He denies it is her but I know it is and that she sent it to him. What should I do? I do not have a problem with nudity but it is the fact that 1 I found them without him telling me and 2 they were sent to him from her. He was also late coming home from work during the time period when the pics were sent.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

There are 2 issues. 1/ the existence of these pictures in his possession (regardless of how they got to him) and 2/ the fact that this photos were taken by her and found themselves in his possession.

You would have to wonder 1/ what is her motive for doing this as it is not appropriate (he's married) 2/ why would he not explain to you what is going on.

 

You've already tried to deal with him. If you feel comfortable, you may want to speak to her and find out what she has to say about her behavior. After all, she can only answer for herself and he can be responsible for his actions.

 

Regardless of the rationale of what had transpired, the outcome is still something that you should not have to deal with.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He gets so mad when I bring it up and he said he was not doing any thing with her and everytime I bring it up I make him feel like he did cheat. He also would not let me talk to her because his friend might find out. But I think that like he cares more about them than me. We have been together 16 years and have 2 kids 14 and 10. I don't wantto push this too far but I just can't put it behind me. I keep thinking about it and I want to know what the text that came with the pics said and I want to know what I was doing wrong to make him want this. I am a very sexual person so it can not be because he was not getting enough at home he knows he can everyday if he wants and it has been like that since we got married. Plus I have told him I am attracted to women so I like to look at the pics so that is another red flag, if they did not mean anything why did he not show me. I don't care if he has pics of people we don't know it is the secret pics of people we know that bother me. I know I am horrible for being so relaxed in this catagory but I just trusted him and not I feel stupid for being so trusting.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Regardless of him getting upset, you have the right to ask him and to be frustrated about this. The fact that this is a known woman having sent him this is even more upsetting. He is your husband and even if he had not cheated (giving him the benefit of the doubt) he has to come clean and tell you what this is all about. You cannot move on until he does that and it makes you wonder what is going on.

You can talk to her even if he does not want that. He does not control you and if he cannot provide you with the answers maybe she can. Either way, you're his wife and he needs to respect you and do what is best for the marriage.

You have that right.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

In the past few weeks I have been pushing the subject and I ask one question and he clams up or explodes and says he should have just f---ed her since he is being treated like he did and he said if I think he did something then maybe we need to divorce. No matter how bad the arguement I have never said that word to him. I could never. I have been with him since I was 18 and I love him so much I just want this all to go away but I can't help but compare myself to her. Not to mention I am very good on the computer so I know that the pics she sent him were from pre kids it is unfair I can't measure up to that I have had 2 kids and my body does not look like that anymore hers can't either. I just feel horrible because he has a temper and if I bring it up I am affraid he will leave and I can't make it on my own. I stopped working when my second was born and now I am just going back to work PT and make $500 in two weeks. I don't even make enough to cover the utilities for our house. Everything I have worked for will be gone if her leaves and my kids will suffer for it , I don't care about me I don't want them to suffer.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.
He is getting made as a defense mechanism. You can still let him know that you were disappointed regarding this incident and that you wish he could communicate better with you and at least give some sort of an explanation. Even if he is not cheating, having an friend send this sort of photos is upsetting and you're justified feeling this way. However, in not way should you compare yourself to her or anyone else. You're not seeking a divorce but to understand him and his behavior.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Do you think I should wait until he is in a good mood or just when ever? I am affraid this will forever change our relationship forever, and he will blame me. I have never strayed and I will never. Before this I knew he was my soul male. We have never had problems then this just floored me. I know I should not compare myself to any one but I can't help but wonder why would he jeperdize everything we have. All his friends would love to have a wife like me and they tell me that. I know I am a good wife and mother. I just don't understand what made this start. I compare myself because the time when it started I was at my heaviest I have ever been and that is A LOT. I have lost almost 40 lbs since all this started and I still want to lose another 80. That is the only reason I compare myself to her. I feel like it is me tearing us apart he even said her name jokingly earlier this week and I rolled my eyes and said don't even bring her up he said I can because of what I PUT HIM through the past few weeks. That makes me feel like I am making this worse by asking him questions but things keep popping up.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Yes, it is best to address things like this when he is in a good non defensive mood. You have to understand that if he blames you, it is his choice. It is not because you do or say something. He has to be above that. He could still be your soul mate. People make mistakes. All you are doing is trying to see it from his perspective. Ask him how would he feel if it was you receiving a picture from a male friend that was indecent. You love him and feeling concerned is understandable. Let him know that if you did not have feelings for him and cared about your relationship you would have been non chalant.

STOP comparing yourself to others. He is not responsible for that neither is the other female. You're your own unique person that he married. If you think that your feelings and reaction step from low self esteem, do no place that responsibility onto him and try to address it within yourself. You're entitled to an explanation and then you can tell him that you'd move on. When you speak to him, take responsibility for your feelings and let him know that this had triggered some insecurity within and that you do not blame him for that. You are simply trying to understand what had driven her to send this picture and him to accept it.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When I bring this up should I prove to him how I know it was sent by her he keeps denying it? I have all the info to prove it and he keeps on saying it is not her, then he admitted that it was her but she did not send them and I said she did and he still denys it. Should I have to show him the proof? Should I just talk to him about the pics souly and not bring up the texts leading up to him getting them and after he got them. I just don't even know how to start the discussion. I have been through this in my head and I just can put it together so it will not sound like I am attacking him. I want it to be a calm conversation but he gets heated easy. I really want to know what the texts said too and why he did this when we had such a strong relationship.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.
You do not have to prove it to him. He knows what had taken place. You just tell him that you know and would rather hear his side of the story. You've got to address both the pictures and the texts as they are related. The discussion you start by asking him if he would be willing to help you understand something. Then, without making accusations you ask him to help you understand what is taking place. Let him know that you care about the marriage and the honesty in it which is very important in any relationship. You place the responsibility onto him. Just say you care about your marriage so much and it is normal to feel protective of your family. Remind him that what matters to you is your relationship with him and your family life not what took place out of it.
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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