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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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need help with daughter and son inlaw living with us.

Resolved Question:

need help with daughter and son inlaw living with us.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Can you explain the situation a bit more? Is their behavior a problem or are you looking to have them move out?

 

Thanks,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My daughter is 18 her husband is 23 . they only knew each other for 3 months. He lived with us the entire time because he couldn't afford rent. He asked her to marry him and was verrry devoted to her. she got pregnant and they were married. They had a great wedding. Perfect day. That's where it ended. Shorthly after we found out that he was hiding alot of debt. He spent all their wedding money on a fast car. that he said he neeeded and then ended up selling it because it didnt run. He then bought another car. He has since received a promising job with a great future. My daughter is a college student and now 7 months pregnant. Basically in a nut shell ... He will not give her one dime of his money. She has no idea where it goes. He ignores her when he comes home and says he is too tired to talk.. but will then go out with his friends... then he comes home and says he is tired and has to go to sleep. He refuses to pay us rent because he says he has no money. My daughter is coming up from the inlaw apartment constantly crying. I dont know what else to tell her. I just tell her to communicate with him. But everytime she does he says nothings wrong.. your blowing everything up and its just because we are living with your parents. I am at a loss and dont know what to do for us and for them??
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the information. It helps.

 

It sounds like your daughter's husband is still living as a bachelor and using you as a free place to stay. He is going out, not taking responsibility for his marriage and basically using everyone in your family as his support.

 

There is not going to be a way to communicate with him and change him. In order to change this situation he is going to have to want to change, and it does not seem he is interested in changing at all, based on his behavior. He has everything he wants. He keeps all of his money, has a free place to stay and no one tells him what to do.

 

Your daughter has two choices. She can stay with him, with the understanding that he most likely is not going to change, and may never change. Or she can leave the relationship. If she decides to leave, she needs to have him removed from your home. If she lets him stay, he will continue to freeload and ignore his responsibilities.

 

Your daughter may also want to consider going to counseling. Right now, she is going through a very tough time and needs the support of a therapist to help her make the right choice. She also may want to have help in dealing with the loss of her marriage and the upcoming birth of her baby. That is a lot of stress to cope with at the same time and therapy can help her manage her feelings and get through this. To find a therapist, she can ask her doctor for a referral. Or if she attends church, her pastor can help. Or she can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

I hope this has helped you. Please let me know if you have any further questions.

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
that did help. thank you.

But, what can we do as parents? Should we communicate to him and charge him rent? or when my daughter comes up to talk to me. what should i say to her? when i do offer advice, I usually end up getting blamed for it.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Yes, you should be charging him rent. He is an adult living on your property. Unless he is recuperating from a disease or illness and is temporarily disabled, he is capable of paying rent. Especially, if he is buying new cars.

 

Communicating with him will probably have no effect. Since he is not going to change unless he wants to, he will not care what you have to say. Treat him as a renter on your property until he can grow up and be responsible.

 

Your daughter, unfortunately, is going to have to deal with this situation herself. She can come to you for support, but otherwise she has to deal with her marriage. She is an adult and besides staying at your home, she is legally on her own to make decisions. And she needs to learn from this experience, otherwise she will not grow from it. Let her know you are there for her if she needs you. But offering advise, unless she wants it, is probably not a good idea. Keep an eye on the situation and if it should become abusive then intervene by contacting the police. Otherwise, let them resolve this on their own.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5559 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.