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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello. I have been having a distance relationship with a man

Resolved Question:

Hello. I have been having a distance relationship with a man for 1.5 years, due to work commitments, etc, we could not see each other much and the relationship was mostly online. I have developed very strong feelings for him, whilst he was always very reserved and treated me more like a friend. I felt i needed something deeper and broke it off yesterday. He is now calling me selfish for doing that and not giving him a chance, as he put it, to fall in love with me as much as I did with him. Throughout our relationship, he would find things to criticize me about much more often than paying me a compliment. I have helped him a lot with his job, was always there for him when he was in a bad mood, etc, but he would rarely say thank you. When I would point it out, he claimed this is normal and asked me to come up with a list of my good qualities and why he should treat me better. I did not want to do that, just said all I always wanted is to be treated as well as I treated him. His response was that I live in a dream world....
I feel so hurt and upset. I really hope I made a right decision and want to get over this situation as soon as possible. Please advice how I can restore the balance, convince myself I did a right thing and there is a hope for me relationship-wise in the future. Thank you so much
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

From what you have described to me, it sounds like you were not compatible with this man and you did the right thing in ending the relationship. He was critical, and he did not support you or love you. If he is like this now, how would he be if you stayed with him and ended up marrying him?

 

The relationship sounded very one sided. You were supportive and loved him, but he asked for a chance to fall in love with you. However, I'm not sure how he would achieve this. There is no guarantee that he would feel the same as you did even after lots of time. It sounds like instead that he wanted a chance to keep manipulating you and continue to criticize you.

 

You have a lot reason to believe you will move on and find a new, and much healthier relationship. For one, you spotted the problems in this relationship and chose to end it. That is a very healthy response. It also means you see your relationships for how they are and when you feel they are hurting you, you get out. You gave this relationship a good chance to catch on, and when you saw that it was not going to, you chose a very healthy alternative. That is a lot more than most people can do.

 

Anytime something in your life comes to an end, whatever it may be, you are going to experience a time of grief and mourning. You loved this person and the loss of that love and the subsequent feelings that go with it can make you feel many difficult emotions. Here are the stages of grief:

 

1. Denial— You probably will not experience this stage since you were the one who ended the relationship.


2. Anger

 

3. Bargaining

 

4. Depression- it sounds like this is where you are now.


5.Acceptance

 

When people grieve, they can go through some stages, all of the stages or get stuck in one stage. Since you just ended this relationship, give yourself time to experience the grief. You may move from one stage to another and that is ok.

 

The length of time you experience grief varies from person to person. However, if you find that after a year you are still unable to move on from this relationship, considering counseling. Talk with your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, your pastor may be able to help.

 

Here are some books that may help you:

 

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma

 

How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship by Paul Mckenna and Hugh Willbourn

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Please let me know if you have any more questions.

 

I hope this helped,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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