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Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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My wife of 21 years says she is wants to leave me. She says

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My wife of 21 years says she is wants to leave me. She says that I smother her and dont give her an oppurtunity to follow her own interests or go out with her friends. She promises me that there is not another man, however I stumbled upon an email of two pictures of her in lingerie that she sent to another man. These pictures are not provocative, and were proffessionaly done by a photograpgher as a gift to me. When I confronted her she said that the guy, who I know and is married, had told her that he wanted to have photos taken of his wife like that. She emailed him the two photos. She is adament that she wants to seperate. What do I do. I love her and dont want to lose her. I still believe she is not having an affair. Am i just stupid?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I am very sorry to hear about the situation you are going through.

It sounds to me like your wife has not voiced her unhappiness when the particular events/incidents happened but instead has bottled it up and now possibly feels a lot of resentment and hopelessness around things getting better and hence sees divorce as the only option.

From what you describe, it does not sound like your wife is having an affair.

Since you mention that you love her and do not want to lose her, I would recommend that you tell her that you are willing to initiate the changes to address her grievances. You can explain to her that her not voicing her concerns on a periodical basis has kept you in the dark about how she has really been feeling all this while. And that if she can adopt communication tools so that she can be more assertive about how your behaviors affect you then the relationship problems can be resolved because once she expresses herself you can then take necessary steps to change your behaviors.

It seems to me that she currently sees herself as a victim. If she can be convinced to see how she might have contributed to the current dynamic, and that you are not the aggressor but it is more a miscommunication that has led her to see you that way, then she might be more open to working on the marriage and addressing the current issues.

I hope I have been able to provide some perspective.

Please let me know if you have additional questions/thoughts to what I wrote above.

Warm regards,

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