Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like the two of you are going to a very rough time. Your wife is hurting and you are hurting.
From what you have said, it seems that there is a lot of pain in your childhood. Often times, it takes a long time and a lot of therapy to work through that amount of pain. I was struck by your statement that you sabotaged some of the therapy you went through with your wife. That says that you might be dealing with some personality issues here.
Sometimes, when someone is abused, they can develop personality defenses to protect themselves. For example, someone who experiences the deep pain of abuse may become either very dependent in personality, or narcissistic. Both hide the deep pain and create a way for the abused person to cope with the world. This may be where you are right now and may explain your need to hurt and sabotage your efforts to get better.
In order to connect with your wife, you are going to need to be honest with yourself. Your wife is feeling used and hurt. She needs to know you are being honest and open when you talk to her. She probably feels she cannot trust you, so taking a look at your issues and being honest with how you feel about the situation will help. Also, take steps to fix yourself and the relationship. Your wife needs to see you working on your own to make progress. Read books, return to therapy, talk to trusted friends and family. Most of all, talk with your wife. Take responsibility for your actions and do not burden her with anything emotional right now. Let her express herself as needed and do not judge. She may say things that hurt, but for now, she needs to heal and giving her the chance to do that will go a long way to her recovery.
Here are some books that may help you get started. One is called After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring. Another is Field Guide To Personality Disorders: A Companion to Disordered Personalities by David J. Robinson. You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
There are also some excellent sites to help you with repairing your marriage:
Please let me know if you have any further questions I can help you with.