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Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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I have been seeing a man for over two years. When we first

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I have been seeing a man for over two years. When we first got together, he seemed very
needy. He asked me to run off to Vegas and get married within the first two months. Of
course, I declined, but eventually fell in love with him. He has everything I've looked for in
a man. I am 51 and he 59, both divorced. About every two to three months, he begins to act
irritated and indifferent. Some little tiny thing will set him off and he will either disappear without
calling or send me an email that we're not right for each other. When this is not happening, he is
loving, attentive, passionate, talks of future together and takes good care of me, my dog, my car, and generally an all around great guy. He has trouble staying asleep past 4am, He is a workaholic, he has strong sexual needs for his age, but nothing kinky. He's been awol for over a week now with little to no contact. Am I dealing with bipolar or a personality/character issue.

Luann :


Luann :

It is difficult to give a diagnosis without more information but with the little bit that you have described you are right to be concerned. It sounds more like a Mood Disorder (Bipolar Disorder falls in this category) than a Personality Disorder. The other thing to consider is some kind of addiction - alcohol, gambling . . .?? The only way to get an accurate diagnosis is from a professional who is doing a face to face interview/evaluation. He must be seeing a doctor for his Zoloft prescription, try to accompany him to one of these appointments. He probably is not describing the behavior you are seeing. It is important for the prescribing physician to be aware of all of the symptoms in order to provide the best treatment. Keep sharing your concerns. His being gone for over a week must be very distressing to you. You need to share how horrible this is for you. You may find it helpful to see a counselor yourself to process your feelings and decide how best to cope. It sounds like an overall good relationship and one worth working on.

JACUSTOMER-5qi2xwil- :

He and I are not big drinkers. He drinks White Zin and one to two small glasses per night but not every night. He doesn't smoke or do any drugs other than Zoloft and Lipitor. He doesn't even swear..ever. And it's not that is religious. He has an engineer personality as he designs circuit boards. He's a perfectionist and a has a strong work ethic. If we walk into a room where he wants me to see something he has done, he will immediately site something like "I know that pile of papers looks terrible, I've got to get to it" It's almost as if he has a little mommy on his shoulder that he is expecting to call him on the mess. But when I've asked him about his parents, it's all favorable. His dad died in his 50's from a heartattack and his mom in her early 60's from Altzheimers. His sisters say he and his dad battled, and he denies this completely. It's so weird, that today I might even be able to expect a call, out of the blue, very positive as if no time had passed and everything is hunky dory. Usually, I call or show up and make it better, but I'm determined to leave him make the first move. I just have been sending positive and inspiring emails, but no calls. I know he just recently got his bloodwork done. I'm not sure if he has gone to the Dr. to review the results. He is very private about such matters. On Valentines Day, he sked me to move in with him. I told him I would, but not without a committment. We were engaged for about six months when one of these episodes drove me to return his ring and I moved out. So we've been an exclusive dating couple for over a year now. My experiences with men over the years have been that this behavior might be a way to sabotage for fear of the committment. But, I feel strongly about our relationship and don't want to just throw in the towel if it is more than that and can be addressed.

Luann :

His behavior certainly is confusing isn't it? You are right to detach a bit and let him be more active in re-engaging. Be clear with him when he does contact you that this behavior is distressing to you. Don't pretend like nothing has happened. Clearly outline why his disappearances are upsetting, for example, you are afraid that something has happened to him when he disappears or it makes you wonder if he really cares about you. Be blunt but try not to be too emotional. Be matter of fact. Open the lines of communication to talk about this. It may take baby steps but it will be worth it. It sounds like overall you have a good relationship.


Thank you Luann. Have a great weekend. I may need to talk more to you in the future.

Luann :

Good luck to you.


Hi Luann, I apologize for not clickingh accept. I've never done this before so, I didn

Luann :

No problem! If you want to contact me in the future, just start your question with Dear Luann . . . I don't always check the website daily so I may miss it, if I don't respond, repost your question.


I didn't realize. I hope you had a good weekend. I did finally get some communication from him. He said "you probably think I'm weird for wanting to be alone, but I'm not happy with myself right now. I must get some organization back into my house and my life because I hate every thing the way it is. There is more to it in his response, and I feel it something to do with guilt about a double standard he has imposed on me about talking to "exes" and to what extent he took this double standard. But for now, things are bearable and we are talking. Thank you for your support. Melanie

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