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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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What is a reasonable time to get over an ex who lived with me and my 2 teen children

Customer Question

What is a reasonable time to get over an ex who lived with me and my 2 teen children for 1 1/2 years. This was a lesbian relationship and she was 13 years younger than I.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I just need some clarification so I can give you the best answer I can.

 

How long has it been since you broke up?

 

What kinds of books have you read? Did you find any of the information helpful or not?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate
She moved out in Nov, she signed a lease to her new place in Dec. In Jan she came back asking for us to work it out. I said no because she signed a lease and how can we move forward and she wanted to move backwards. Going from living together to living apart. She wanted the single life and me as well. I could not accept those terms.
I have read "love smart", "its called a break up because it's broken", "How to get over anyone in a few days", " Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff", and other self help, about healing.
I keep myself busy, but I still cry everyday. I don't believe she is the one for me but I still miss her and miss what we had in the beginning, the end was not pleasant at all, she changed and denied it the whole time. I want to move past the hurt. I want to get over it. I know about the 5 stages of grieve, I keet going back between anger and acceptances. Some days I accept that it is what it is and I need to move on and feel good inside but most days I feel anger. I have forgiven her, not for her but for myself.
I am not sure how to get closer. Last month I texted her to meet me to talk, I needed closure, I just wanted to say what I needed to say as it was obvious that I was unable to get closure on my own. She refused to see me saying that seeing me would stress her out and would just stress her out more. I ended up texting her how I felt to get my closure, she texted back to please not contact her because although she is trying to get over it she still hurts and is angry. I have respected her wishes. By the way, my friends saw her out with another girl so her saying she is hurt is most likely untrue.
Her being with someone else is something I can not change or concern myself with, however I still think of it. I can only change myself and my thoughts. With this said I just need to know how to find closure and how long will it take.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the information. It helps.

 

It is good that you have tried various ways to address your pain and hurt. It shows that you do want to move forward and that you will, someday soon, feel better about this break up and be able to move on.

 

The stages of grief are very important. Any time we have a loss, from the death of a pet to the death of a loved one, we grieve. A relationship loss can take a long time to heal from because relationships give us so much- companionship, love and someone to care for us.

 

If your partner just left in November, that has not been a long time at all. Grieving is different for everyone, but since you were in a long term relationship, it will most likely take a little longer for you. However, like I said before, it sounds like you are already making progress. You said you move between anger and acceptance. That is a good sign.

 

Since you have tried to contact your partner and it didn't work out, you may want to try other methods on your own to deal with your feelings about the break up and your partner's new relationship. Write a letter to her, for example. This is a letter that you will not send so you can say anything you feel and think about your feelings. Do it all in one sitting or start it and keep adding to it as you need to. The main point is to not hold back.

 

You can also start a blog. Make this a private one since you do not want anyone to get hurt by it. A blog gives you a chance to post as much as you need to. And you can also look back on your progress as you heal so you know how far you have come.

 

Try going out as much as you can with friends and family. Keeping yourself busy helps. It also gives you experiences without your partner and the more you have without her, the more the relationship slips into the past.

 

Laugh, a lot. That may seem minor, but laughing helps you heal psychologically by promoting good hormones and giving you a lift.

 

There are also some additional books that may help. One is called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by XXXXX XXXXX. Another is Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma. These are available at Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

It sounds like you are on the path to healing. I think if you continue as you are and keep working on your feelings, you will find one day soon that you can think of this relationship as in the past and you will no longer feel sad or angry.

 

I hope this helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate for what you've wrote, I will try the additional readings. I have already written the no send letter, no help.

What is a reasonable healthy time frame to get past this? In the past I would jump to other relationships. I do not want any other relationships at this time and it scares me. Is it normal to cry everyday since Nov? I do admit I am crying less but still crying.

What is a reasonable time frame? I have heard of people that grief for years. I can become one of those people.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate for what you've wrote, I will try the additional readings. I have already written the no send letter, no help.

What is a reasonable healthy time frame to get past this? In the past I would jump to other relationships. I do not want any other relationships at this time and it scares me. Is it normal to cry everyday since Nov? I do admit I am crying less but still crying.

What is a reasonable time frame? I have heard of people that grief for years. I cant become one of those people.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for the additional reading recommendations. I have tried the writing the no send letter, I felt better for a day but that was it. I really would like to know what is considered a reasonable normal healing process for this past relationship.

I know people that can move pasted a relationship from 3 years ago. I do not want to become jaded like that. I am scared because in the past I would just jump into another relationship and now I do not desire to be in any relationship.

What would be a reasonable time frame for me before I start getting worried that its lasting to long?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It's really hard to give you a exact time frame since everyone reacts to grief in different ways. Also, it depends on the situation as to how long you grieve.

 

You are moving forward and that is the important part. You keep trying and that is a good sign.

 

Most relationships can take up to a year to get over. You should not use this as a sure measurement since everyone is different. You very well may feel better a lot sooner. However, if you feel that you cannot function in daily life and can't stop crying, then you should seek out a therapist.

 

Kate

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