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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like this friend is telling you that they are not interested in being friends, at least not the normal kind. To be nice to you one minute then cut you out of their life the next or to tell you they want to see you then go on vacation and not let you know are not a signs of a true friendship.
It sounds like that this person either has mental health issues, primarily a personality disorder, or they have anger issues and are taking it out on you. Although having an idea of what might be wrong is good, it still doesn't help you.
This relationship, based on the length of time you have gone through these games and the attempts you have made to repair the relationship, needs to be over. Regardless of the reasons for the behavior, this person is not going to act normally in your relationship and the time and effort you are putting in maintaining your end of the friendship is not working.
Since you have tried a few times already to contact this person and they have not responded, you should probably just let it go. If they contact you again, just say you have moved on and no longer desire contact with them. If they persist, then hang up or move away from the situation. Keep responding in the same way until they leave you alone.
Here are a few books that you can use to help you understand your relationship better and how to avoid another one in the future:
When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager
Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career by Florence Isaacs
You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
No, I didn't. Did you reply here on this post?
Ok, I received your reply on this question so it seems to be working. If you want to explain more about your issue, that is fine. It may take me a bit to get back to you as I have appointments, but I will response as soon as I can.
I wanted to tell you that I appreciate your answer to my dilemma. I agree with all you said. It makes sense me in hindsight that this person has some kind of issues, mentally or anger wise. This person controlled my life for many years and put stipulations on everything about our relationship and I did all I could to accomodate but eventually I stopped doing that and while I didn't really get any payback for that per say, and they continued to be friends with me and communicate daily, about every thing in our lives, the things started that I told you about, like talking to you one day and not saying anything about being gone, and then disappearing on a trip for a month leaving you to feel you had been deceived, and maybe you will not agree that is an appropriate word but to me it was a form of lying. After that happened several times (and oh by the way one time they didn't tell me they were going on a trip but sent me an e-mail telling me and also saying they didn't tell me cause they thought I would be upset). I have no control over where this person goes. But when I am friends with someone I would not go off and not tell them. This behavior was repeated several times, gone a month and no word at all from them. I finally voiced that it hurt me and made me feel forgotten and used and it made me feel deceived, this was met with "Oh I won't do that anymore, I'm sorry", then after another time I said "I don't want to continue any friendship with you anymore and I was in tears", they said, "why would you want to do that." By the end of the conversation I had been manipulated into believig things would change. I an feeling now that when I stopped cooperating with every one of their wishes that even though they continued to be friends it was on the basis of some kind of revenge and punishment. I feel this person has tortured and traumatized me. And yes I know you will say that I alone allowed it to happened but my personality is one that is a "fixer" and if I put enough energy into it and tell a person how I feel we can make it work. I now feel like a fool and that is what is so hard to live with. All the energy and time and frustration that was wasted on maintaining this relationship and now this person has the gaul to walk away, not respond to any request to talk or explain to me what is going on. This person has married three times, and their children have been thrown from pillar to post and when they married the second time, it lasted a year and three mos later they were married again. I stopped going to the house when they were single because the house was so bad i couldn't stand to be in it. I on the other hand am an immaculate housekeeper and I tried to help and clean and get this person moved into better housing. I gave money, furniture, and did everything I could to help. I finally quit going to the house because the person had one child living with them, and it had a little dog, and the dog was in such sad shape, eatten alive with fleas. I got the dog up and bathed it and doctored it and told the person it was cruelty to keep the dog in that shape. The last time I was by the house I went in just to use the bathroom as we had been on an outing together and when I turned on the light in the bathroom the walls were covered with roachbugs. I told the person they needed to tell the landlord that they would not want their house to be infested. Never did anything. Everything fell on deaf ears and I was made to feel i was the one that was not normal. I had never said anything about the shape the house was in but they knew how I lived and that it was not how I could maintain a life. yet I tried not to judge and because I wanted the friendship because of the interests that we had together, and it seemed that I had to give up some principles to have that friendship. I can't tell you how confused the whole situation kept me in. And when things would happen and if I voiced anything about I felt mistreated then I was the one that was wrong. That I didn't have a valid reason for feeling that way and somehow I would get convinced I was overreacting. I don't know how to heal from this experience. I am hurt and inside what i want to do is be able to face the person and tell them exactly how I feel. This person once told me that a therapist told them they were "introverted." I understand now how another person can brainwash and manipulate a person who is trusting. I feel I need to find a way to forgive myself for being so stupid and I can't. I feel like I deserve to be punished. It is hard to put it all into words. Because of my friendship with this person over the years it cut me off from everybody else too and now it leaves me alone. This person worked on a project with me and had com;puter knowledge and made me dependent on that as well.
If you have any words of support i would appreciate hearing them. I also worry about what will I do if I run into this person eventually. I also had some books that belonged to them and am I obligated to get those things back to them? I thought about going by their work one day and wait till they came out of the building to go to lunch so I can give the things back. I am the one forced to live with this and it has become a rock in my chest over the past months. I can't help thinking about how wrong this person treated me. It hurts so much and that they will not talk to me....that after all the years we knew eac other that my Mother dies and that they did not even send me a card? What am I supposed to think of that person now?
Yes I need your help. The past 5 months I have not been able to walk, been in a wheelchair with this surgery, after 3 weeks in a cast my Mother became critically ill and we sat with her round the clock for 2 mos before she died. I had the grief of seeing her breathe her last time, then my daughter lost her baby, my sisters are being difficult in settling my Mother's estate and that has had me in a fog.
I am a very intelligent woman, and I am not mental, I am just very hurt and disillusioned, disappointed and very down on myself. Like I said I feel I just about the most stupid person in the world and I deserve to be hurt and traumatized because I let this go on for so long. How is it that someone can make your life so miserabel and yet you get so conditioned to them being in your life everyday that there is an empty place there. I should feel joy and I do feel a relief that I won't have to hear the lies and the "I shouldn't have done that" anymore. I just feel cheated that my feelings were not heard. I would like to have that person have to face me and hear what I have to say, but i am sure you are right, that it wouldn't do any good. They have no honor or conscience anyway.
Help me if you can.
I would not say that you deserve any of it, or that you allowed it to happen. Sometimes, it is very easy to be pulled in to a relationship and once you are there, the companionship, the fact that the relationship worked in some way and other reasons will make you want to stay and keep trying. There is nothing wrong with that. It happens to everyone, even someone as intelligent as you are. All of us need love and to be cared for.
As for this person's belongings, you could always send them to her through the mail. There is no need to have personal contact. I know that that might help you feel you are getting more closure on this, but it may also hurt you more as well. This person could lash out or even ignore you and that would be worse on top of what you are already dealing with. If you run into this person, try to ignore them. If you feel the need to say hello, do so but say nothing more. If they try to engage you in conversation, keep moving. Say you need to go then leave. You have no obligation to talk with this person.
Have you grieved for your relationship? This is a loss and it's a big one. Plus the hurt that was involved in addition to your losses of your mother, your daughter's baby and your health gives you a lot to grieve. Allow yourself time to work through your losses. Write out your feelings, much like you did here with me. Keep a journal or start a private blog on line. Write as much and as often as you need to. Say anything you feel, don't hold back. You could even write a letter to this person (don't send it of course) saying all of your feelings. Anything to help you keep in touch with your feelings and work on healing.
Do something positive each day. Talk to friends and family. If you can, go out somewhere fun. You need to start having experiences that do not include this person. Create new memories to help you move on in your life.
Try some of the books I recommended. They will help you see that you are not alone in your experience and they will give you ideas about how to see this relationship for what is was- a very toxic and difficult relationship that harmed you. You deserve better.