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Arundhati , Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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i have the best boyfriend in the world. hes my other half-we

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i have the best boyfriend in the world. he's my other half-we always fun if we're together, get along perfectly, and have been together for 6 and half years. he's funny, smart, sexy, unique and i believe, made just for me, as i am for him. sadly, i've cheated on him. and it doesn't stop was with his most trusted and respected friend. but the three of us have a really nice relationship and spend a lot of time together. my boyfriend adores him, and talks very fondly XXXXX XXXXX to him, and him to me. i don't think he suspects anything, but if he doesn't see our connection he really must be oblivious, or in denial. we don;t try to show it, but it shows itself, and that's why over time it took over and we ended up hooking up. the friend and i have a very strong sexual connection, but we also enjoy each other's company quite a bit (we're good friends by now). that said, our connection is all on the physical side. i think we would be quite compatible sexually (we haven't had sex, or any type of ejaculation but most other forms of messing around), which is something that's never really been that prevalent between my boyfriend and i, and sometimes makes me crazy-i tend to be a lot more sexualized than him.

i've asked a relationship expert what to do about this situation and i'm considering my options (while sadly, still playing with fire whenever i have the chance) : ( but i believe this question is more for a mental health expert. i want to know why i'm doing this, why i would ever put such a perfect situation and a perfect person in jeopardy for the thrill of feeling this incredible sexual energy with the friend. i'm pretty sure that although i believe that part of what drives my intense attraction to the friend is my boyfriend's wholehearted approval of him, it would be the worst thing in the world if he found out. but the other part of me tells me that he would be less mad it's him BECAUSE of his love for both of us. i know, that sounds ridiculous. but it's also ridiculous that i (we) haven't stopped yet, and am starting to think that the only thing that would stop me (us) would be getting caught; something that would end both of our worlds. we share all the same friends, and those friends love all of us so much they would probably drop us both. (the friend and i) or at least have an unbearable level of disappointment for us.

what's going on with my head? i feel remorse sometimes, but not so much regret, and my friend says that he doesn't think about it or he would feel bad too. he has a girlfriend of 4 years but i have the feeling he's a bit tired of her. i'm not really sure how he rationalizes this, but we don't talk about it, or the consequences too often. are we both that F-d up in the head? how can we both love and respect my boyfriend so much and turn around and betray him repeatedly behind his back? i want to try to understand his motives since he seems not to have any problems with this situation. he tends to be a person who lives for pleasure and leaves things behind when he passes them. what do you think is the best way to deal with this? he says he'll stop if i want to, but i obviously don't want to.

as you can see i'm very confused. thank you so much for helping me with this.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

It sounds like the first time you engaged with your bf's best friend in a sexual/romantic way it gave both of you a certain thrill and since then it has become a thrilling or adrenalin pumping experience especially since you know that you are doing something behind your bf's back.

In time this might have turned into a pattern of sorts so that now you're habituated and absolutely need this thrill from time to time.

It sounds like your bf's friend also treats it as a fun, exciting experience when it happens but doesn't think too much of it before or after. This means that this is primarily a superficial experience for him and that he doesn't have any deep feelings for you. He might very well enjoy your company and respect you but from what you describe he doesn't seem interested in anything more that the fleeting pleasures that the two of you have enjoyed so far. If this is true, it means that if you were found out, and your bf broke up with you, your bf's friend might lose interest in the relationship that he has with you now since there would no longer be any thrill factor. This also means that technically you have more to lose than your bf's friend because finding a life partner is harder than finding a best friend and while your bf's friend might be able to move on to other friendships you might be left with a gaping void in your life.

Having said that, my question to you would be are the consequences worth it? If you were to get caught tomorrow and your bf ended the relationship would you feel regret and sadness? If the answer is yes, then it is in your best interest to consult with a therapist and explore what is leading to this impulsive behavior and address those issues so that you can take control of these impulses before they cause unwanted damage in your life.

If the answer is maybe or no, then clearly in spite of the great relationship you enjoy with your bf, there are certain unmet needs somewhere and that leads you to go outside of the relationship.

The recommended path would be to understand what your needs from a relationship are and to find ways to get them met within the relationship itself. For example, are there ways in which you can experience with your bf the same sort of thrill you do in hooking up with your bf's friend, whether it is through spruced up sex or otherwise?

I hope I have been able to provide some perspective. If this was helpful please consider clicking on the green "Accept" button since experts are not credited for their time or service otherwise.

Please feel free to write back your thoughts/reactions/additional questions even after you click "Accept".

Warm regards,

Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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