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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been friends with a person for over 18 years. WE talked

Resolved Question:

I have been friends with a person for over 18 years. WE talked almost everyday. About 6 months ago we talked on a Saturday and the person volunteered that they would be callikng me back that afternoon. A month went by and I heard nothing. I sent a voice message inquiring if they were sick because they had had a heart attack a year before. No reply. After over a month one day I noticed their car was back at their work place so I called their cell phone and left a message asking for them to explain to me what had happened and why they had behaved that way , that it was hurtful. No answer, so I called again the next day and told them that we had been friends for such a long time and that i would not be a bother to them but I felt after all the years we had known each other that it needed more explanation and closure than the way it was being handled.  This behavoir has been repeated to me over the years and I have expressed to the person that I cannot have a friendship where I am treated this way and led to believe half truths and have someone lie to me when I don't understand why telling the truth would matter.  I have been through a terrible ordeal for the past 4 mos. with a major surgery on my ankle and have not been able to walk at all until recently and I am still crippled and now having trouble with my knee on the other leg.  During all this time, my 90 year old mother became critically ill and I was having to sit with her every day, then she went to rehab, became more ill and began the dying process and I was sitting with her round the clock. I never once heard from this friend of all these years.  I can't begin to tell you what I have done for this person over the years and the things I have put up with and I don't want this person back in my life under any conditions, I just want to confront them to their face and have then give me an explanation of why they choose to play such silly games.  This person was supposed to be at an event of an organization I am in celebrating over 100 years of anniversary and they led me to believe they would be there knowing all the time they were going to be gone and didn't tell me.  I have explained to them over and over that this is hurtful and I've explained it to the point of saying I need to walk away, but then this person says, "why would you want to do that.?"   And I have let it go on and on, hopimg that each time the promise is made not to do certain things again it will change.  I have ended up feeling controlled, manipulated and most of all I am hating myself for being so Stupid.  Should I go and try to talk to them?  I also recently found out that their father died just a few days before my Mother died. They had already not responded to my phone call or e-mail and was giving me the silent treatment, so the Father becoming ill happened after so that is not an excuse they could use, and we could have comforted each other.  I didn't know it or I would have done something, but under the conditions that now exist, I don't know what to do as I have also lost my mother and this person did nothing to show any caring for me.  I have seen this person homeless and have helped them get a job and get their life back on track and I have loved them and cared for them.  I've been through so much in the last 4 mos. and also had my daughter who found out she was pregnant the day my Mother died to have a miscarriage and we have had that grief too. I know I did not do anything to make this person behave this way and what kind of pleasure are they getting from hurting me.  Even in my grief over my Mother this pain of this unresolved issue is tearing me apart.  To never have an answer to this or be able to talk to this person and express my feelings (calmly and in a mature way) is literally eatting me alive.  Please help me try to understand this.  I have invested so much time and years into this friendship and was always so sure they loved me in return (they said they did) and we were interested in all the same things and did so many things together.  Why do these memories now have to be spoiled.  I look back on the friendship and cant count the times promises were broken only to have them say they wouldn't do that again or they shouldn't have done that but then some time would go by and they would repeat it. I feel I have been tormented.  I want to be done with the friendship but don'' t accept just letting this go by with no explanation.  I am really hurting and going through other things that you could use a friend to help you through it.  I have always been there for them.  Help me I am hurting  I already take cymbalta for depression and I have for counseling before due to this person's impact on my life.  I've suffered due to their treatment and they know this, so know I want to move on and never see or hear from t hem again but I want an explanation of WHY.,  Is that unnatural to feel that way.  It hurts so much esp. at night and I am so lonely.  When you have had a person in your life for that many years and talked and shared and they disappear with no explantion, talk to you one day, say they will talk to you later on that day and then just totally throw you away....With all that is going on in m life there are days I don't want to even get out of bed but I have to keep on putting on the positive face and it is exhausting when all you want to do is sit down and cry.  I don't want to end up feeling like a fool anymore, but talking to the person in person is the only thing I can think of to do but it looks like it makes me the one that cares and maybe they are enjoying tormenting me.  It makes me be the one to have to feel they had to beg for an answer and that I have lost all pride.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I believe you might have posted another question like this one. I sent you a response to that question. If you do not receive it, let me know. You can also repost this one if you want another expert's response.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I did not receive the answer there seemed to be a mixup everytime I tried to log on. I didn't remember the password XXXXX used the one that was sent and then reset another one, so I had to redo the whole question this morning. Please resend your answer.

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

My answer is above your reply, on this page. Are you unable to see it? If so, I can contact the moderator to help.

 

I did not answer your original question from yesterday since it did not come up on the question list until after I answered your second question (the one you relisted this morning).

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I also sent you another reply to the same existing question, I hope you get that. I unlocked your answer, it said I could for $3 ....I hope to hear back from you on the last thoughts I sent you. Thank you for your help and just for listening. I
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

No, I didn't get the reply on the other question. If you could copy whatever you wrote and reply on this question, that would be helpful. Then I can get back to you with your answer.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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