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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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My husband continues to look at porn online despite my confrontati

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My husband continues to look at porn online despite my confrontation and that I did not appreciate it and that I thought it was like cheating on me. He hides it and erases the history on the computer so I can't find it. I work nights so this is mostly when he does it, but he has done it during the day while I was sleeping. I have read several articles to try to understand men's take on porn. We are not having sex on a regular basis and when I originally asked him about it when I found it, he said he wasn't aroused if that was any consolation. We have been seeing a counselor since I found the porn last March. We have some other issues as we are both divorced and have children, so the blended family has come into play also. He turned 40 last year, quit a job he had had for 1
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through such an experience.

His continuing something behind your back when you have expressed your disapproval of it and how it makes you feel, is a major blow to the trust in the relationship. He needs to understand that by looking at porn he is not only causing damage to his relationship with you but only eroding the trust which takes a long time to build up. If this has become a habit for him then he needs to acknowledge that and take steps to break out of this habit. If it is because he feels sexually unfulfilled then he needs to talk this out with you and arrive at an agreement.

Simply put, he cannot continue this behavior. He needs to understand that there are consequences to this behavior - such as your losing trust in him, your becoming bitter/resentful/angry over making you feel cheated. So he needs to acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful to you and that he needs to change his behavior. You can use the fact that he said he doesn't feel aroused by watching porn as a hook to convince him that he has fallen into a maladaptive pattern that needs be to addressed.

You mentioned that you are in counseling. Perhaps he can attend individual counseling to address any underlying unresolved conflicts that leads him to act this way?

Once your husband clearly understands that his lying to you, and continuing to look at porn is absolutely not acceptable to you, he will be pushed to change his ways.

I hope this has provided some perspective. Please do feel free to write back any questions/thoughts/reactions you have to what I wrote above.

Warm regards,

Arundhati
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