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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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I want to know whether to try and save my marriage. Weve been together for 8 years,

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I want to know whether to try and save my marriage. We've been together for 8 years, living together for 2 and married for 1.5 years. I have two kids from a previous relationship and he has one. We are in our mid to late 40s. For the last 6 months I have been lving on my own. He kicked me out of the house - because he owned most of it and went on a campaign to get rid of us for 7 or 8 months. I couldn't take the negativity so I finally did what he was forcing. In the past, he has broken up with me, cheated on me with his ex, and talked about marruing his ex secretly before he decided to move in with me. I feel like a second choice. I feel like I had to force him get married
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

What part of the marriage do you want to save? You've described a pretty grim situation that you had to deal with. Is he willing to change?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I forgot to mention that I feel like I love my husband. He makes me feel like I've never felt before. We both love rock climbing and adventure. The highs are super high (excitement, love) but the lows can be very low. In some ways I feel very hooked on him and can't imagine a life without him. He tells me he loves me, but on the other hand is saying now that our personalities don't mesh well - hence he is leaning hard towards divorce. I guess if I want to save it, I have to do something, agree to everything or something.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

Even when personalities differ, partners can still sustain a marriage when both are willing to make the necessary changes within themselves.

 

If you believe that he would be willing to give it a try, then yes if you both love one another by all means work on the marriage- therapy, couple's retreats, self improvement, etc whatever it takes you.

 

On the other hand, if you think that the marriage will not be resolved only if you are the only one making compromises, it may not be a lasting or healthy situation to stay in.

 

Find out from him what he's willing to do and then talk about a time frame during which the two of you can try to work things out.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

It seems hard to get over past hurts and to trust again even if he says he now that he want to work on things. He won't say he will change but he says he will try and will work on things. He thinks he is great, and I think he's great - the problem is we both don't think I am so great for some reason....and I've been made to feel disposable and second choice at time.

 

It's hard when he's done a lot to ruin trust I feel. For example, he brings up divorce a lot - which I guess is reasonable but I've told him not to say this if we're trying to work on things. It scares me a lot and ruins any trust we manage to start rebuilding.

 

There are highs and lows. He can be very charismatic and generous with presents and things - but at other times cold and mean. I don't understand him sometimes - how he can love me one day and the next throw me and the kids out.

 

Do you forgive someone who has hurt you a few if not many times? He tries to say I have hurt him - but my things are small - like I visited my mom after he told me to get out. I omitted information about where we were going and didn't tell him it was Tahoe - but I was upset and we were not talking much because of the dicorce topic. Now all he says is a am a big liar abotut Tahoe

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

There are high and lows in any relationship. You forgive when you believe that forgiving will bring you peace regardless of the person saying sorry.

 

If he is willing to work on things that is at least a start. You cannot be the only one responsible for how things are and should not feel disposable in any relationship!

 

Try to leave the past in the past and ask him to do the same. Starting now focus on the present and what you can make out of it. He has to be able to forgive as well.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It is a tough one. He is very nice at times but he is very self centered and seems to end up hurting me eventually and it's hard to deal with. And I am not talking about small hurts. I wonder how you know when it's too much. I guess when you feel like you'd be better off without him. That is a tough call because I think I would be alone.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.
You won't be alone. You just won't be with him. Ask him if he would be willing to go to marital counseling at least for 6 mon.
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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