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cathy
cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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Hi I am in a severe depression due to a recent break up with

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Hi I am in a severe depression due to a recent break up with a man that has 80 % of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. He has broken off with me before out of fear, he claims to be deeply in love with me wanted to marry etc. He claims that he could not understand how I could love him and care about him so deeply that it terrified him. He conacted me after us being apart, to make a long story short, I gave him another chance gave my work notice, apt notice movers booked etc he lives in another city due to work, I had flown out to the other city twice he had me convinced that we were more than fine in every way, he was discussing future, marriage etc. 3 days prior to the move he started to have intense anxiety ie what if Im not happy, what if I miss my folks, it all started with what if I am not happy, ie if I am not happy I would not stick it out, to sum it up he called everything off, I lost both jobs, my apt. I was able to get into a lousy bachelor apt. and I am needing help I can barely function, I found information online re symptoms of the disorder my ex has majority of the traits and pattern. I want to send him the information but I know I risk negative feed back, pls someone help.Thank you
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

Hi and thanks for writing JA

 

Why don't you share with us what symptoms of BPD you have observed and maybe we can help you? BPD is somewhat rare in men, so just give five prominent symptoms you have observed and perhaps we can proceed from there.

Warm regards XXXXX XXXXX feel better soon.

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Cathy,

 

Thank you for your response, I realize that the disorder is more common with women, however can still be present with men.

 

The 5 prominent symptoms as follows that he has shown are the following:

 

-Push/Pull Cycle, has me close if I get too close, he pushes me away with negative behaviour. (wants me to get as far away from him as I can, very icy cold, he is like a different man)

 

-Impulsive behaviour, re spending, sometimes gambling, when upset can drink heavily.

 

-His mother and him had trauma when he was a boy, I am quite sure from him that she abandoned him and his 2 sisters. They have a close relationship now but did not ever go for formal counselling.

 

-When he contacted me Jan 1st 2011 after being apart for awhile due to the last break up he said "he could not understand how I could love and care about him so much, that it terrified him and he needed to get over his fear" he felt he had beat this thing, but unfortunately has not.

 

-Has been know to have a problem with anger and did have a major anger problem when he was younger.

 

-He has also expressed that he does not like himself alot of the time, "that he is not worthy of being happy etc."

 

Cathy, I have ran this and other information past my folks and uncle, my ex has majority of the traits etc.

 

He does not have suicidal tendencies and has not ever been physically abusive to me or anyone else in previous relationships.

 

Regards, Sherry

Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

OK good Sherry,

 

I picked up your post. Let me work on the response and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks so much. Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you , I will look forward to your response.

Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

Hi Sherry,

 

I thank you so much for your patience. I wanted to run your observations by a few colleagues before responding so I thank you for giving me time to do so. We are not able to diagnose from JA, while I think you are probably right about the BPD diagnosis my colleagues did not concur with you and I. I think that diagnoses or labels actually do not matter so much as behaviors and certainly you have been through the ringer with this man.

Whatever anyone wishes to call it, you have not been treated as you deserved. I cannot imagine how painful it must be for you to uproot your whole life and commit to this relationship only to find out that he is not stable.

 

Often people who have experienced trauma as children, especially abandonment, will exhibit either Borderline Personality Disorder or a preponderance of Borderline traits. Sadly when left untreated it causes a myriad of problems for those who have this disorder as well as those close to them. I am sure I am not telling you anything you do not know from your having done research into this. I am sure nothing I can say can give you comfort on all that you have sacrificed to someone who is simply incapable of responding to you and your actions in an appropriate way. In short, there are not adequate words to convey to you how sorry I am that you had this experience. It is one thing entirely to experience heart break and its altogether another matter to lose your home, your job and trust. He has literally pulled the carpet out from underneath you. Talk about upheaval.

 

As far as sending him information this is my recommendation to you: You do whatever makes you feel better Sherry. I mean this. You do whatever you need to do (within the law of course) to feel better and if sending him this information helps you to heal than you do just that.

I cant predict that he will read it or profit from it, but if it helps you to get past this horror than by all means send it.

Your focus needs to be on whatever helps Sherry heal.

 

You are still young at 41 and you are clearly thoughtful and quite intelligent. You are in therapy and you are getting support to grieve this relationship. I know few women of your generation that would give up so much for a relationship and frankly I think any man who finds you has found a treasure. Your behavior was selfless and you have demonstrated mental health by seeking out counseling to help you get past this grief response that has manifested itself as a disabling depression.

 

Your best revenge is to heal from the grief, move forward with your life, meet a wonderful man who matches your qualities and live happily ever after. I hope that once burned you can trust again. Again, I think any sane and stable human would treasure you and your willingness to give all to a relationship.

 

I am sure you have read one book that is a classic in BPD but I am going to send you that link anyway just in case you have not seen it. I think if you can afford it, buy a used copy and send it to your ex.

 

In the interim, if there is anything any of us from JA can do to help just let us know. I would very much like it if you dropped me a line when you are feeling better. Please know I will be keeping you and this question in my thoughts for some time to come.

You take very good care of you Sherry.

I will post that book link for you below.

Cathy

 

http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding/dp/0380713055

 

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Cathy,

 

I just wanted to extend my thanks for your compassion and your kind words, it means alot to me. Please thank your co-workers as well, i actually am looking for a book, so thank you for the link. I will continue to work on myself its hard when I still love the person and miss them terribly, the worst thing about this is that it is so so sad, I know he is a good man with alot of issues.

 

Thanks again, Sincerely, Sherry

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Cathy,

 

I just wanted to extend my thanks for your compassion and your kind words, it means alot to me. Please thank your co-workers as well, i actually am looking for a book, so thank you for the link. I will continue to work on myself its hard when I still love the person and miss them terribly, the worst thing about this is that it is so so sad, I know he is a good man with alot of issues.

 

Thanks again, Sincerely, Sherry

 

 

p.s just curious when you said "your co-workers did not concur with you and I" please explain when you get a chance? I have to admit I have been on the Mayo Clinic and a few reputable sites and my ex has all of those traits I have indicated which is more than 70-80%.

Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

Yes, me too I know he is a good man as well. I do know this, Still I think this is all about you. I just do wish you all the best.

I am extremely fortunate Sherry that before I took semi retirement in MA I worked for and with the APA and for some of the most internationally renowned psychiatrists. Their judgment on your case was predominant borderline personality traits and not BPD and I can tell.you why on this....You reported that your ex only drank when really upset and I so believe this took the behaviors down from BPD to BP traits. If you read about this it would make sense and I think that is the most cautious and best appraisal from afar. I am hesitant to say they are right on but given what information we supplied them I say fine. I would have gone to BPD but again we cannot diagnose from JA and I think that is a good idea. If I were you I would look to strong Borderline traits. That would be the place I would operate

I would look to strong borderline traits if not bpd. I have to be as candid with you as I can and I can honestly tell you that no one can make a personality disorder diagnosis from afar and that in the absence of diagnoses you must go with behaviors. Even if he has BPD it wont serve you. Whether he has BPD or borderline traits or not makes no difference to you. All you have to do is worry about you.

I do think he has BPD as do you, my resources say predominant borderline traits and either way I say you do not deserve this.
Let me know?

 

My best wishes to you and yes

I know you love him dear. I know that.

Cathy

cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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