How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask DuddyH Your Own Question

DuddyH
DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
DuddyH is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

On todays show, Dr. Phil told his second guest that he would

Resolved Question:

On todays' show, Dr. Phil told his second guest that he would get him help to overcome his jelaousy and that his partner would see a quick turn around. I saw myself in the guest and I know that I am desroying what would be a fantastic relationship. Can you help me locate informatiion that would help me make this turn around? I know that I am the one who needs to change. Or, better, what is the quick turn around strategy that Dr. Phil mentioned on the show?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DuddyH replied 3 years ago.

ThunderKeys :

Hello, and welcome to JA.com. . Do you mind if ask you a few clarifying questions, first to better provide you with a strong and practical answer?

Customer:

Sure.

Customer:

How will I know to get online to chat with you?

ThunderKeys :

Well when one of us is away, the other will receive an e-mail notice when the other returns. I also get a message on my screen when you return to reply. If you've got a few minutes now we can chat live, right now, here.

Customer:

Yes, I am available.

ThunderKeys :

Ok, thank you.

ThunderKeys :

Can you tell me more about what you would want to

ThunderKeys :

r

ThunderKeys :

..resolve in the way of jealousy?

ThunderKeys :

For example, what are the top 2 or 3 issues in your life related to this problem?

Customer:

Main;y, how not to react in the way I do.... very unlike me... I would hate to be videotaped.

ThunderKeys :

What did you see specifically, in the guest you saw, that reminded you of yourself and how?

Customer:

My partner has had a very promiscuous past - three marriages and several affairs. I believe he is a changed man now. He says that he has not thought about or wanted another woman since he met me and I believe him. But I can't seem to not bring up his past when there is a trigger. We are in a long distance relationship. He lives in IN and I in NC. We don't see each other for several weeks at a time because of work and his fishing trips. When there will be a time when we won't be seeing each other for over two weeks, I become quite unbearable. Not sure how jealousy comes into this. Maybe it is more insecurity.

ThunderKeys :

Thank you that is great, detailed information. I see you're still typing so I'll wait for your response.

ThunderKeys :

I'm very sorry that you are suffering right now in your relationship.

Customer:

He is very respectful when around me. Doesn't flirt, treats me very well, calls me Princess.......verything was heaven during the first three years. Then when I felt he was dragging his feet moving to NC like he promised, this tirade started. Ifeel that he has gone back on his promises but he keeps telling me to be patient and that things will happen at the right time. When I am in one of those moods, anything will spur on an attack about his past.

ThunderKeys :

Can you give me a an example of a typical verbal exchange, when you're in one of those moods? - He says: I say: type of example?

Customer:

Me: .It's been 4 years that we've been together and you're not here yet. When are you going to move down?

Customer:

Him: Be patient, Princess. It will happen.

Customer:

Me: I ahve been waiting 4 years. I cant wait anymore.

Customer:

Him: Be patient. We will be okay.

Customer:

Me: Well, is that what you said to all your past girlfriends? Dis you lead them on until they couldn't wait anymore and then dumped you?

Customer:

Him: Princess....

Customer:

Me; You need to tell me the truth and not lead me on..... I know you have been married three times and each not lasting more than 7 years. Do you have an issue with marriage and moving down?

Customer:

Him: Princess..... I don't want anyone else but you. Don't hound me

Customer:

etc etc

Customer:

What should I do to control this. The white knuckling doesn't work.

ThunderKeys :

That is incredibly helpful, to read a snapshot of your communication on these issues. Again thank you.

ThunderKeys :

Well, I think that what you're experiencing here is a perfectly normal need for proximity or closeness to your partner and a very healthy need to have the sense that you come first in his life.

Customer:

The trigger is usually when I won't see him for more than two week.s When I know tat I will see him soon, this doesn't occur. Our relationship is really good except for this.

ThunderKeys :

Again, that's totally normal to anticipate and feel anxious about separating from him without the relationship being clearly defined, - where and when you will live together etc.

ThunderKeys :

One final question I have before going to research and write up your answer with links to helpful resources is: How anxious and or angry do you get? Do things ever get out of control?

Customer:

Well, I usually yell and jab with hurtful remarks. Then I feel terribel and apologize. He yells in retaliation/

ThunderKeys :

That must be really hard for both of you. I'm going to make sure to provide info in my answer on why that pattern of communication is happening and what you can do about it. Anything else you want add before I start working on your answer?

Customer:

The last time was the worst..... I locked him out of the bedroom and instead of sleeping in one of the many guest bedrooms, he slept on the couch and was livid the next morning when I took my time unlocking the bedroom door. He cussed and said that he was getting the 'hell' out. This scared me so I hid his wallet and keys which made him even madder. I had never seen him so mad. His ex wife and friends say that he in controlling in a passive way. I think when he lost control, he went ballistic. He slung hurtful things.... worse than I would ever say to him.... threatened to get the cops bc it was a matter of theft. I finally gave him the keys and he left. But when we spoke during his ride home, he was fine,.... like nothing had ever happened.

Customer:

He never apologizes.

Customer:

Unless I tell him that he needs to. Then it's not a very genuine apology.

ThunderKeys :

So part of how you express your frustrated need for connection is anger. And part of how he expresses his reaction to your anger is to explode and then shut down.

ThunderKeys :

This is very helpful again. I've got a clear sense of how to provide you with a strong practical answer.

Customer:

Yes... I can always tell when he is not quite ok. He slurs his "ILYs" . But when he is fine, he is the vibrant person that he is. I feel trapped becasue I love him but yet I don't want to be strung along. I knw in my heart that this is not making him speed up his moe down. Yet I can't control myself in verbage and feelings.

Customer:

I think it is my issue... self esteem issue...fear of separation....

ThunderKeys :

I hear you. These often go together.

ThunderKeys :

Well I've got a pretty clear sense now of where you are coming from. I'm going work on your answer now. I think it will answer many of your questions. It should be ready for you here within the next 3 or 4 hours. You can let me know what you think once you've read it, - ok?

Customer:

Okay. Thank you. Looking forward to it.

Customer:

Do I push the ACCEPT button now or after the info?

ThunderKeys :

You push "accept" only after you have read my answer and accept it as satisfactorily answering your question.

ThunderKeys :

Well I’d like to start my answer by thanking you very much for the detailed information you provided. I’d also like to express my sincere empathy for you and what you’re going through right now in your relationship.


To answer your question, I’ve got to say that when Dr. Phil talks about an intervention without explicitly describing and discussing it on his show, it usually means that he is going to have his guest-patient work with a team of treatment and research specialists who will undertake comprehensive diagnostic and clinical interviewing in order to tailor an comprehensive therapeutic intervention. Like myself, Dr. Phil has a great deal of respect for interventions or strategies that are strongly backed by scientific evidence and clinical experience with therapy or counseling.


From what I’ve learned about your case from your presenting question and chat, you’re experiencing some very normal emotional and relationship needs, to be close at times to your partner and to have him demonstrate to you that you come first in his life. His past as you’ve described it briefly only intensifies his responsibility to be there for you and to follow through with what he promises.


The other part of what I heard you say in your chat, is that not having your emotional relationship-needs met properly within the relationship leads to a deep sense of hurt and frustration, that at times can express itself in intense anger. I think there are 2 evidence-based strategies that can really help here. They both take some basic learning and lots of practice to implement. I think you get your anger under control from strong angels: 1) from the side of learning how to get your relationship needs met effectively; and, 2) learning some basic anger-control strategies that you can implement when the anger starts.


This is its perfectly normal to have get frustrated and then angry when you’re need for love and emotional safety are not being met. The problem here is that when we get sad (emotionally hurt) then we get mad. When we get angry science shows that our IQ or intelligence drops like a rock. As Dr. Phil would probably say: “First you get mad then you get sad, - then you get stupid!” The trick here is not to get mad in the first place so you can stay calm enough to communicate with your partner so you can get your needs met.


The second strategy is to really learn with your partner how to effectively communicate your core-emotional-relationship needs together in a way that will help you both to draw closer and to love deeper. This makes joint problem solving a lot easier. I recommend that you and your partner both read the book “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. She’s the best relationship therapist and researcher in the world. It wouldn’t surprise me if you see her on Dr. Phil at some time in the near future. She’s that good!


If things really get difficult between you and your partner, you may both decide to go to couples’ therapy. I recommend the EFT therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, the writer of that book I recommend you both read and talk about first.


Here are some helpful links covering the EFT approach and book, along with some links to anger control strategies that you can practice to better control your anger. But again, I do recommend a 2 pronged approach of learning effective couple’s communication and anger control together. I’m also sending you some links that describe effective vs ineffective couple’s communication – the rules apply whether or not you are married or in a close emotional relationship together:


Dr. Sue Johnson:


http://www.holdmetight.net/video.php


http://www.holdmetight.net/hold_me_tight.php


http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79


http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80


Dr. John Gotmann (couples communication videos and link):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA


http://www.gottman.com/


http://www.gottman.com/57329/Books-DVDs-and-Workshops.html


 


Anger-Control-Training Links:


http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/angercues.html


http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/angercontrol.html


Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a great skill you can learn and practice. Eventually you can learn to relax yourself in just a few seconds whenever you feel yourself getting angry or better yet when you “get sad, before you get mad!” Here are some intro resources:


http://vcc.asu.edu/relax/index.shtml


Well that’s my answer. If you find it useful please don’t forget to press the “accept” button. If I’m missing something in my answer, please leave a note so I can go back and make the needed correction. Thank you!

Customer:

Thank you very much. I found your input, the cideaos and the article about anger management very useful

ThunderKeys :

Your very welcome! Please be sure to press the "accept" button.

DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
DuddyH and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education