Well I’d like to start my answer by thanking you very much for the detailed information you provided. I’d also like to express my sincere empathy for you and what you’re going through right now in your relationship.
To answer your question, I’ve got to say that when Dr. Phil talks about an intervention without explicitly describing and discussing it on his show, it usually means that he is going to have his guest-patient work with a team of treatment and research specialists who will undertake comprehensive diagnostic and clinical interviewing in order to tailor an comprehensive therapeutic intervention. Like myself, Dr. Phil has a great deal of respect for interventions or strategies that are strongly backed by scientific evidence and clinical experience with therapy or counseling.
From what I’ve learned about your case from your presenting question and chat, you’re experiencing some very normal emotional and relationship needs, to be close at times to your partner and to have him demonstrate to you that you come first in his life. His past as you’ve described it briefly only intensifies his responsibility to be there for you and to follow through with what he promises.
The other part of what I heard you say in your chat, is that not having your emotional relationship-needs met properly within the relationship leads to a deep sense of hurt and frustration, that at times can express itself in intense anger. I think there are 2 evidence-based strategies that can really help here. They both take some basic learning and lots of practice to implement. I think you get your anger under control from strong angels: 1) from the side of learning how to get your relationship needs met effectively; and, 2) learning some basic anger-control strategies that you can implement when the anger starts.
This is its perfectly normal to have get frustrated and then angry when you’re need for love and emotional safety are not being met. The problem here is that when we get sad (emotionally hurt) then we get mad. When we get angry science shows that our IQ or intelligence drops like a rock. As Dr. Phil would probably say: “First you get mad then you get sad, - then you get stupid!” The trick here is not to get mad in the first place so you can stay calm enough to communicate with your partner so you can get your needs met.
The second strategy is to really learn with your partner how to effectively communicate your core-emotional-relationship needs together in a way that will help you both to draw closer and to love deeper. This makes joint problem solving a lot easier. I recommend that you and your partner both read the book “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. She’s the best relationship therapist and researcher in the world. It wouldn’t surprise me if you see her on Dr. Phil at some time in the near future. She’s that good!
If things really get difficult between you and your partner, you may both decide to go to couples’ therapy. I recommend the EFT therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, the writer of that book I recommend you both read and talk about first.
Here are some helpful links covering the EFT approach and book, along with some links to anger control strategies that you can practice to better control your anger. But again, I do recommend a 2 pronged approach of learning effective couple’s communication and anger control together. I’m also sending you some links that describe effective vs ineffective couple’s communication – the rules apply whether or not you are married or in a close emotional relationship together:
Dr. Sue Johnson:
Dr. John Gotmann (couples communication videos and link):
Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a great skill you can learn and practice. Eventually you can learn to relax yourself in just a few seconds whenever you feel yourself getting angry or better yet when you “get sad, before you get mad!” Here are some intro resources:
Well that’s my answer. If you find it useful please don’t forget to press the “accept” button. If I’m missing something in my answer, please leave a note so I can go back and make the needed correction. Thank you!