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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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When i had my children at 17 and 24, i was very disadvantaged

Customer Question

When i had my children at 17 and 24, i was very disadvantaged financially and could barely afford formula and diapers. As a matter of fact, my father bought a case of formula the day I came home from the hospital or I would not have had any. Now, 30 years later, I am educated and very financially stable making 6 figures a year. My daughter is about to give birth to my first grand child, and I am fearful that I am going overboard on the things I am buying and the money I am spending in preparation for this baby. My daughter and her husband are very grateful. I am convinced I am behaving this way to make up for the things I could not afford to provide for my children. My question is, is this healthy for me, my daughter and/or the baby???
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

If you are aware that some of your behavior stems from trying to compensate for your own lost motherhood ability to provide, then the behavior is not too healthy. There is always the possibility that a person may start to resent the one that always helps them even when they do not ask for help. In a way it may cause ego injury where the person being helped feels inferior or feels obligated in some way to their helper. It may make her feel controlled in a way.

 

Money does not equate with love. If you can, offer to babysit or help her in the house instead ex: making dinner for them, watching the baby while she goes out, etc.

 

Instead, you may want to put aside some money each month for a college fund or the grandkid's first car one day. Buying things and showing affection are all wonderful but everything usually is done within limits except loving (that does not cost money). That way you also respect the autonomy of your daughter and her family.

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