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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I have been w/ my bf for 7 yrs and he came to the conclusion

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I have been w/ my bf for 7 yrs and he came to the conclusion he couldnt love me anymore because a yr ago i cheated on him w/ his roomate, So he ended it you could see the switch go off in his head. I didnt call him but 2x for 1 month. I called him sunday to ask him to breakfast.
We spent the whole day together and it was absolutely amazing. Now i call him to chit chat and of course he wont answer me. I wonder if there is anyhope.?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can clearly sense the desire in your words to genuinely have a loving relationship with him. And the pain that you feel that he is not responding, he won't answer.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. There are two dimensions operating here and you have to keep track of them both. The first is his bestowing of trust on you again.The second is your being the same or a different person than when you slept with his roommate. And one may be dependent on the other.

He seems sensitive. That is probably part of what makes him attractive as a person. And if so, then his bestowing of trust is going to be based on whether he feels there is anything different now than the first time he bestowed trust and saw it broken. The question that you can answer for him that may make it easier for him to bestow trust to you is, "how are you not the same person, how are you different, than a year ago?"

So rehearse the answer to that question within yourself. Rehearsing may mean finding out some things about yourself. Looking within yourself and being able to answer that question. And then it would mean revealing that inner self to him. But that part I would think, from what you have written, you would look forward to. Because you think highly of him and you want him to be close with you. It is the part about making sure you know the answer within yourself that you need to be clear about and rehearse.

Because once you can tell him the answer to this question then you can begin the process of finding out how long it will take him to be able to bestow trust to you. But that has to come first.

So there is hope. I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>Dr. Mark,<br /> You are right about him being sensitive in a strange way. At this time he will not respond back to me. not texts not anything.  So I am stopping trying to  talk to him thats not what I want.  . Its very difficult. Maybe it was just really good sex. He wanted to please me though thats whats strange. He even fed my my dinner. Only still  absolutely no cuddling except before the sex. The next morning he was sleeping and I left. Taking the friend to work because his car broke down and needed a ride. Nothing happened but I felt like I should say something. I didnt. He has still got the same roomate. His room mate could tell where he was lacking or something and has been after me for about a year.  I think he could feel it but  I want my boyfriend back. Nobody thinks I should be with him. I put alot into this relationship and I want it to work. I miss him so. He has lost his mother this last year . I dont know ... i am just making exuses. I feel like I owe his friend an apology too.He gave so much thought into not being with me gradually taking everything that was his away. I guess there is nothing else to say.  Now that you have more information Do you still think so</p><p>Thank you<br /></p>
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
The fact that he still has the same roommate complicates things very much. It's like a constant reminder of the hurt, don't you think?

So I don't know how to deal with that and the fact that it means you have continual contact with the roommate and he knows you do. It just complicates things and doesn't let the past be the past.

But that's not something you can change, it seems. So you have to try within the parameters you find yourself. And those parameters are now that you can't call. So you have to write. Let him know honestly what is in your heart, and like I suggested above, how you feel you have changed, in what ways, and why he should trust you. And then ask for what his recommendations are for the two of you to try to make that new start. And ask him to write you back within 3 days, please, because it would will hurt very much to not hear from him one way or the other. And even though you know that you hurt him very much, you are asking him to write back and not hurt you back like that.

And then hope....because if you feel you've changed, then there's reason to hope.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He did call yesterday, to say I left my jacket and he was going out of town for 2 weeks and not to worry if I didnt here from him (about what) Why was he telling me this. Did I want to come get it before he left.I said thats good maybe he could call when he was away he said: " I have to talk to you " now you know now i have a new gf. I asked how that was even possible? I said.

Do you love her he said yes. I said I could get it one day because he really didnt want me to come get it before he left. I text him and said Way to start a new relationship. Anyway

I am pretty sure its over . HE must be having a Mid life crisis or something. It really hurts and i will text him anyway. Tell him how i have changed probably hopeless

Thanks

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Yes, It seems as though now it's time to move on. I'm so sorry for you as I know how sad this is for you. But he seems unsettled in himself and as though he's using people now a bit in his own uncertainties.

So I am concerned this is no longer healthy for you and that you need to take a deep breath and take the lessons you've learned from this relationship to use when you meet the person who is the right one.

It's okay to allow yourself to be sad. And you can even be sad and relieved its over at the same time. Relieved in the sense that now there isn't this continual doubt and uncertainty. But certainly sad. That's allowed.


I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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