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Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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NEED HELP My wife of 4 years has left our home for the 3rd

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NEED HELP My wife of 4 years has left our home for the 3rd time and went to her mothers house 7 miles away. Before she left, we had a bad last 3 or 4 months of marriage where we insulted each other and did not want to really see each other. She has left from my verbal abuse and in return she verbal abused back and it was a bad thing. I introduced the verbal abuse with my tenper and drinking. I have begged for forgivness and I have worked on myself by quiting drinking and smoking along with bibical help etc. She has never been able to really forgive me from the past, everytime we talk about me wanting to work things out she immediatley pulls out a book in her head full of everything I have done wrong. She says she is not in love with me but loves spending time 1 or 2 times a week while she goes back to her moms house and does what ever she wants with out having to argue etc. I have changed and she does not seem to believe it will last and immediatley pulls out the book of everythin


Optional Information:
Gender: Male
Age: 35

Already Tried:
It has been 6 weeks now and I am smoke free and alchohal free as I go to AA metings to secure the quittting. NOTE: My wife w was enjoying going out with me 1 or 2 times a week and getting dropped off at her moms WHERE SHE STAYS at peace and while the next day going out drinking with her cousins etc living the good life.
REPOST:

Let me elaborate even more so someone could help me. The night my wife left, it was all my fault, we had a bottle of vodka we were drinking. Well at that time I did not eat diner and was in my 3rd day of quitting smoking so I ate multiple CHANTIX to stop the cravings. 1 hour later apparently I bugged out by walking in the game room where my wife was and I spitt right on her and it hit her cheek. ( Till this day I do not remmeber due to a bad reaction from the Chantix and alchohal) Since my wife left she took many weeks for me to even get a text back as her phone still this day blocks my calls. I sent my wife cards expressing my feelings asking for forgiveness and stating I will quit drinking and change my behaviors. Her response was actions speak louder than words. So I did the actions for myself and us as I still do and that does not seem good enough now. My wife says she did not want to go counseling because this is the 3rd time in our marriage she has ran to her moms and the last few months we were in a bad relationsp. My wife agreed to see me once or twice a week. We saw each other about 8 times and go to church together and had a BLAST WITH EACH OTHER no arguing etc. the last time we went out we had a blast again and on the way back we talked and she told me that she was not in love with me at this time and did not want to lead me on. Due to what has happened in the past, she has fell out of love with me. Now this rips me to pieces because she use to love me to death!! I ask her if she still wanted to go to the LAUGH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER MARRIAGE SEMINAR at church and she said sure. I asked why and her response was I may learn something?????? We went to the seminar had a good time and went to chilis after. I asked her if she could please take off the phone rejection when I call so I speak with out texting. She said that she is not willing to do that. HINT: My wife ever since I have know her holds the biggest grudges I have ever seen!!! I told my wife that I am not her Girlfriend and I do not want to be her girlfriend I am her husband. I got sick and tired of my wife being able to see me whenever she wants ( enjoy me and us together as friends I guess??) and the she can go home to her moms FREE with out having to deal with anything that involves a marriage. ( she even admitted on the 8th date at the end it was great seeing me with no arguing and then she can go to her moms in peace) TO ME THIS IS FANTASY LAND THOUGHTS!! Anytime I try or we talk about the situations in past I can see in her face the anger. She holds on to this book of all my wrong doings anytime it is to connect with an emotional thought of us. I just could not understand how my wife could go out with me 8 times and to church and have a Blast which reminded her of when we were dating and not have any feeling towards me?????? I have analyized a lot and I know that she will not let go of things I have done in the past. It seems that when a emotion arises the book of wrong doings comes down and smashes anything. I am man enough to say I have cried on a daily basis over this and it rips me apart everyday to not text her I need to try and save some type of pride but miss her so much. Please help shed some light on this situation and tell me what you think I should do. I am so confussed here???

Note: I am stuck with all the bills as she stays at her moms saving paychecks and I need to get a loan Mod in order to not lose the house. So we did speak today after 3 days about the Loan mod but I did not go into anything else because I do not know what to do and seem pathetic also.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Though your wife holds grudges for along time, 6 weeks isn't nearly enough time to expect someone to begin to trust a relationship again, given all of your personal and marital problem. It is also not enough time for mature adults to fall back 'in love'. again. Think more like 6 months, frankly.

You are doing just about everything RIGHT at this time---exercising pretty good judgment, trying to make sure that when you are together, she has an enjoyable time, etc. The factor that is missing is your understanding that this repair will take time and that you are not exercising nearly enough patience. You should think about a much longer time frame for fixing this relationship---6 months or so. Keep doing what you are doing---go to AA and make sure you quit smoking altogether. Deal effectively with relapses through counseling if necessary. Work on YOURSELF, as you are doing. Your wife is correct in that she will not believe your words; your actions are the only meaningful proof that the relationship can be trusted and unfortunately, communication through consistent actions takes a great deal of time. NOW, here is what you might consider doing at the end of say, 6 months. If she has still not voluntarily moved home, without prompting or nagging from you, then you might want to have just one serious talk with her. Here is the train of thought you might present: It does not appear that you want to move home and it also appears that you haven't found you can be in love with me again. So, I think it is now time to consider a permanent separation with plans for a formal divorce in the next couple of months. I don't feel this is necessary because I love you and have spent the last 6 months changing my behavior and now I think I'm very clear-headed about my changes, my drinking, smoking etc. I do feel I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship so, if a relationship with me isn't desiresable in your eyes, I think we need to split assets and move our lives forward, but separately.

Now, if you remain calm and don't press her to come back home during the next 6 months, but you have occasions to have consistently good times together, and she still hasn't budged, then this message will probably create a crisis in her life and prompt her to 'decide' to come back. However, if you pester her and get impatient with her, I suspect it will only prolong her resistance and 'stubbornness'. By 6 months, your behavior will be consistent for several months and you will have a more quiet, calm, confidence about yourself. You will have learned to control yourself better, emotionally; so you WILL BE a different guy by then. It will be at THAT TIME that this calm, rational suggestion that you formally divorce will be nearly shocking to her. There will be a powerful, subtle message in this that you know in your own mind that you can move on and that other women will now find you attractive because you have none of your old bad habits. Your wife is very likely starting to feel the very beginnings of middle aged insecurity--about her appearance, about how old she is getting; her single friends are losing out to younger women in the competition for good relationships, etc. I suspect this approach will help prompt her to give up her grudges and get into counseling with you at that time. You should get into counseling before you move back in together.

What do you think?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

THANK YOU Dr. Michael!!!!

 

I think this is good advice and I see that you really know what you are talking about.

 

I have no problem clicking te accept button when presented.

 

I have another question that goes deeper into this as things have advanced.

 

I do not want to ask a million questions so I will break down to the raw essentials of what I feel I need to move to the next level mentally.

 

OK, I found out through my wifes aunt that my wifes addored ( but rebelous and foolish in the world) younger sister Jennifer age 19, she is moving back to her moms house from Mexico on March 7th, where my wife is now. I know they do not want Jennifer in Mexico but she is now going to be there at her moms in a few days. ( seems very fishy ). I know that when my wife was at home ( her moms house ) note: father lives in Honduras because the mom left him 6 years ago. she was the good one, the golden one etc.. that kind of ran the family cause the mom and dad got seperated 6 years ago. Karina, (my wife) is her moms favorite child and Jennifer is the the super close sister. When me and Karina got together there has always been a jealousy factor from the mom and the sister who I really do not care for many reasons. I am concerned that once Jenifer arrives then Karina will not have any time to reflect on herself grudges etc, due to the fact Jennifer will be there like a puppy dog. I have reflected and analysied a thousand times due to the fact I am at our house with everthing in it alone. I am also taking an online anger management course that links to stress management and all different avenues of tools and techniques. I am a liitle scared with the whole Jennifer thing. I do not know what to do?? I need to also see her physically maybe once a week or what should I do so I do not look pathetic but still show that I will fight and always be there without being pathetic. ( note: When we saw each other in the past from seperation, she was seeing as friends and we huged and I kissed her on the cheek cause that all she allows at departure of seeing each other.)

 

I am trying to fill my head with this Anger management course, AA the Bible, dieting work out and praying to God and this whole staying at mommys house with her sister reuniting scares me.

 

What should I think and what should I do in order to try and progress with my wife.

 

THANK YOU

 

Gregory

 

 

 

 

 

 

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Gregory:

Based on the fact that there has been some historic jealousy between the two women, while your wife may get 'caught up' in all of the attention, doting behavior etc., toward Jennifer, I suspect that this will actually add some emotional stress onto your wife, so that she may actually find some peace in respite in her occasional visits with you. What you can do is LISTEN for her stress and simply empathize and support her if she needs to talk or let off a little steam. You can tell if she has a need to do so if she has several new 'stories' to tell about Jennifer, especially if she talks about aspects of her emotionality or personality. Don't particularly comment or offer advice, just be a good listener. IF your wife finds that having Jennifer around is a tad stressful, you will pick up on the cues that reflect this; and you'll immediately realize that your role, if you want to favorably impress your wife, is to support her emotionally. Get her a glass of wine or whatever she wants to drink or eat to relax, offer to take her to a movie for some mindless entertainment if she wants an escape. Offer to get the house emptied out and leave, so she can perhaps take a nap or have quite reading time, etc.

If you talk about yourself, you can mention what you are doing with the anger management class but don't make a big deal about it, as if you were striving to impress her. Just mention it casually and IF your wife asks questions about it, share a bit, but only a bit; if she asks more, tell her a bit more. You don't want to dominate conversations with demonstrations about what you are doing in the area of self-improvement. Being subtle and serene about what you are doing to improve will communicate more loudly that lots of words. If there is hope for the relationship, you must keep reminding yourself that she has to take lots of time to SEE the changes in you and it is only with time that trust can redevelop.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Please let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

OK Dr. Michael Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX must admit it will be some what hard to handle the whole jeolusy thing of my wife being at her moms with her sister too. (Jennifer has done several wrong things to me without any remorse and now she is coming back breaking up with her Fiance in Mexico) I am a direct person and I do not want to say something that might jeopardize anything but I do not know if I should somehow tell her how I feel which in a nut shell I fear if that with Karina being at her moms and with her sister now this is unhealthy for our Mariage which she ran away from but you see what I mean. ( I reflect and improve daily, if Jen is there she will have even less time to fix and reflect herself which in the end I feel it could hurt us compleatley. So I feel the need to expresss something but I do not want to mess anything up. Confusssed

 

DR. MICHAEL SINCERELY XXXXX XXXXX SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE. I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I HAVE SEARCHED AROUND FOR ANSWERS IN THE PAST AND I MYSELF AM A SUPER ANALYTICAL PERSON, CEO OF MY OWN COMPANY WITH GOOD INTELLIGENCE. ( I HAVE BEEN AROUND AND I CAN NATURALLY BREAK THINGS AND PEOPLE DOWN IN A SECOND BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MYSELF IT IS WAY HARDER TO DO) AND I FEEL THAT YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD EVERY TIME CAUSE IT SEEMS YOU HAVE MASTERED YOUR FIELD AND I AM SURE I WILL NEED SOME MORE ADVICE SOON AND DO NOT MIND PAYING YOU FOR IT.

 

Thanks Again!

 

Gregory

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Micheal I am new to this green button thing and it asked for a tip so I thought I was adding an aditional $5.00 but I only paid you $5.00 and that was not my intensions at all so when you reply to my above reply I will glady add aditional $ to that.

 

AlsoThanks for you quick responses.

 

Sincerely,

 

Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX of you.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dr. Michael I posted earlier, see below:

OK Dr. Michael Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX must admit it will be some what hard to handle the whole jeolusy thing of my wife being at her moms with her sister too. (Jennifer has done several wrong things to me without any remorse and now she is coming back breaking up with her Fiance in Mexico) I am a direct person and I do not want to say something that might jeopardize anything but I do not know if I should somehow tell her how I feel which in a nut shell I fear if that with Karina being at her moms and with her sister now this is unhealthy for our Mariage which she ran away from but you see what I mean. ( I reflect and improve daily, if Jen is there she will have even less time to fix and reflect herself which in the end I feel it could hurt us compleatley. So I feel the need to expresss something but I do not want to mess anything up. Confusssed

 

DR. MICHAEL SINCERELY XXXXX XXXX FOR YOUR ADVICE. I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I HAVE SEARCHED AROUND FOR ANSWERS IN THE PAST AND I MYSELF AM A SUPER ANALYTICAL PERSON, CEO OF MY OWN COMPANY WITH GOOD INTELLIGENCE. ( I HAVE BEEN AROUND AND I CAN NATURALLY BREAK THINGS AND PEOPLE DOWN IN A SECOND BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MYSELF IT IS WAY HARDER TO DO) AND I FEEL THAT YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD EVERY TIME CAUSE IT SEEMS YOU HAVE MASTERED YOUR FIELD AND I AM SURE I WILL NEED SOME MORE ADVICE SOON AND DO NOT MIND PAYING YOU FOR IT.

 

Thanks Again!

 

Gregory





Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
You aren't in a position to try to impose your opinion or suggest to your wife what she should do with the Jennifer situation. I realize that this situation worries you and makes you feel a bit threatened. But trust me, it is better to 'bite your tongue' and be as gracious as you can be when your wife visits you. If you try to suggest, persuade, press your opinion, etc., with her on something like this, you will probably set yourself back in this relationship building effort.

Thanks for your kind words at the end of your post, Gregory. You can feel free to write to me anytime you wish in the future. Just include my expert name in the title of your question and I'll pick it up.

Best regards.............
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Michael, I asked this question a couple of days ago.

 

Thanks for your quick response, My internet was out and I finally got your last answer, anyhow.
I wish I did not love my wife so much do to the fact I go through emotional pain every day, everything reminds me of my wife even when I go out. When my wife left, she has it set up so easy that it seems like I feel all the pain while she seems to feel nothing and regains her respect etc.... ( everything is in her court) I have and I am continuing on all the positive things for myself but in the end I have this deep rooted emotional feelings which come out even more due to the situation I am in with plus with this house that has pics her stuff etc. I have purposely not contacted her for a week but I have spoke with her briefly last week because she wants to save her credit while I do a loan modification on our house I am only staying in. So I texted Karina yesterday, note: ( I can only text Karina because when she left she call forwards my # XXXXX VM ) I asked her in the text if she would like to go to church on Sunday, no reply, I wait 3 hrs text again no reply. Ok so obviously she ignored me and the offer for church for whatever reason. I now have insecurities and hurt now coming out of me because she just completely ignored me. I rather she say NO then ignore me and she does this whenever she feels, ( she has to know this hurts me? ) To try and boil all of this down, I fear that the more time wife does not have any contact with me, the more time she will be use to being with out me. I thought I have been less eager or have been showing it and by her not responding it seems that it does not do anything? I do not want to look desperate but again my fear and insecurities come out because time goes by and by and I have not seen her. What do you think I should do? Updated: I text my wife if she wants to go to movies on Sunday she replied I have a B-day to go to which I found true and 2 maybe afterwards, so I said just texed ok text me later then.So then @ 7 pm I texted we can raincheck the movies for Monday if you like then no reply at all from her. I can not stand when someone compleatly ignores me even a simple I am busy is better than nothing. This pains me when she does this to me, ( now I am not sure if this some kind of punishment game or?? Before I start rambling what do you think of these situations and what I should think or do?

Thanks

Gregory

 

Optional Information:
Age: 35

Already Tried:
You know the situation and what I been doing.

 

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
She has interests and preoccupations right now that place you in quite a low position of priority. She is probably acclimating to life without you but at least some minor crises will arise and she may be more interested to talking to you later on. You can keep inviting her to do things, and she will perhaps say 'no', but keep inviting her anyway. She is 'trying out' a lifestyle without you and as we've said before, you can't try to tug her back right now because it will almost certainly cause what we call, reactance i.e., a tendency to pull back further. So you must continue to try to be patient and keep working on the things you must work on for yourself and your finances. You need to make yourself a more attractive man to her; but, you would also be making yourself a much more attractive man to other women, going forward, if you can't get things to work out with Karina. There will come a time in a month or two, if Karina hasn't started coming around a bit, when you might want to start making noises about setting a timeline for getting back together. I would suggest you read and re-read the posts we have exchanged to keep yourself properly focused. I suspect you are a man who has wielded a fair amount of control and power in your life, being able to make things happen, setting goals and achieving them etc. For such a person, it is really, really hard to live with a frustrating situation you want to change or control, but cannot. The lack of control and requirements of huge patience is exasperating. This is indeed, such a situation, to be sure. As we've said before, you can only control and directly influence what you say and do.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

OK

 

Thank You

 

Gregory

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Michael


This may be long but I will take care of you!
My wife called yesterday to tell me she is picking up a bed for her sister who is coming today and for me to leave half of the mortage money at the house so she can pay it and we are going to try and get a loan mod beacause I can not aford the house with half the income gone. My wife never made a lot of money but now that she is out of the house she actually got a better position at the bank (which this is what I have been pushing her to do) so now she makes really good money and works out 5 times a week trying to get rid of the fat she had when we were together. I know it seems I am rambling it just hurts that she didnt do the things when we were together. Anyhow when she was on the phone I had to ask her why she would ignore my text sometimes and then sometimes answer them? We talked for about 45 minutes and she told me that she didnt know what I want. We saw each other href="http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/4nyhi-need-help-wife-years-left-home-3rd.html times had after she left and had a blast together and she told me that I am not in love with you but I enjoy spending time and going back to her moms, then I told her that I am not her girlfriend I am her husband so she took it as I do not want to see her anymore, when really I just wanted my wife to see that I was not some toy she could hang out with and then go back to her moms. Well it didnt work, when we talked on the phone anytime we talked about us she would think and then say when I left I have made up my mind and I can not forget the things you have done. She has told me there was signs that were there and she put up and I just ignored them or once in a blue moon would acknowledge them and said we will be fine. She even wanted at some time to go to her moms for a couple of months so we can regain what we had w/o arguing, I did not want to do that because of the fear of losing her. ( note me and Karina spent a ton of money last year on trying to get her pregnate while she had to put needles in her stomach etc and in the end we did not get pregneat) My wife told me that she does not blame me for wanting another women if she is the compleate problem and she does not know if she would stay if I was the compleate problem. ( This blew my mind and it put a great strain on our marriage as she thought having a child would help us but realized in the endits not an answer. ( we were both messed up from the non pregnancy but I told her I will stay till thend no matter what! She told me on the phone that she is mad at me for things I have done. She also told me that she was mad at herself for losing her self respect by arguing with cuss words and worst of all she allowed it from the very beginning. I am not the best husband ( never hit her or cheated ) and she has her instigating ways and has a serious grudge problem that she remembers every negative thing from the beginning. I know how I was in arguments and she in return did the same thing and at the end it was like if we enjoyed arguing for some stupid reason?? She always remembers the bad for some reason when I try to get to counsling recently. I have told her I am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the things I have done and I have changed, NOW she can see by how I listen and do not argue etc.. believes I have changed but will not let go of her self respect she feels she has lost. We have both learned a lot from this and unfortunatley at the expense of our marriage. I tried to explain that because of what we went through we can rebuild the love she has lost as long as we continually have a mutal respect for each other and I can make her a very happy women. I am ols school with the vows of do death we part but she is in a regain self respect mode and fears that the same thing would eventually happen if we got back together. Now she is okay with us spending time together as good friends but thats it. This blows my mind cause I cant understand how she can do that w/o having any feelings. I do not know what I should really do? What do you think about this of what I have told you?

Thank You!

Gregory

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Michael


This may be long but I will take care of you!
My wife called yesterday to tell me she is picking up a bed for her sister who is coming today and for me to leave half of the mortage money at the house so she can pay it and we are going to try and get a loan mod beacause I can not aford the house with half the income gone. My wife never made a lot of money but now that she is out of the house she actually got a better position at the bank (which this is what I have been pushing her to do) so now she makes really good money and works out 5 times a week trying to get rid of the fat she had when we were together. I know it seems I am rambling it just hurts that she didnt do the things when we were together. Anyhow when she was on the phone I had to ask her why she would ignore my text sometimes and then sometimes answer them? We talked for about 45 minutes and she told me that she didnt know what I want. We saw each other 8 times after she left and had a blast together and she told me that I am not in love with you but I enjoy spending time and going back to her moms, then I told her that I am not her girlfriend I am her husband so she took it as I do not want to see her anymore, when really I just wanted my wife to see that I was not some toy she could hang out with and then go back to her moms. Well it didnt work, when we talked on the phone anytime we talked about us she would think and then say when I left I have made up my mind and I can not forget the things you have done. She has told me there was signs that were there and she put up and I just ignored them or once in a blue moon would acknowledge them and said we will be fine. She even wanted at some time to go to her moms for a couple of months so we can regain what we had w/o arguing, I did not want to do that because of the fear of losing her. ( note me and Karina spent a ton of money last year on trying to get her pregnate while she had to put needles in her stomach etc and in the end we did not get pregneat) My wife told me that she does not blame me for wanting another women if she is the compleate problem and she does not know if she would stay if I was the compleate problem. ( This blew my mind and it put a great strain on our marriage as she thought having a child would help us but realized in the endits not an answer. ( we were both messed up from the non pregnancy but I told her I will stay till thend no matter what! She told me on the phone that she is mad at me for things I have done. She also told me that she was mad at herself for losing her self respect by arguing with cuss words and worst of all she allowed it from the very beginning. I am not the best husband ( never hit her or cheated ) and she has her instigating ways and has a serious grudge problem that she remembers every negative thing from the beginning. I know how I was in arguments and she in return did the same thing and at the end it was like if we enjoyed arguing for some stupid reason?? She always remembers the bad for some reason when I try to get to counsling recently. I have told her I am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the things I have done and I have changed, NOW she can see by how I listen and do not argue etc.. believes I have changed but will not let go of her self respect she feels she has lost. We have both learned a lot from this and unfortunatley at the expense of our marriage. I tried to explain that because of what we went through we can rebuild the love she has lost as long as we continually have a mutal respect for each other and I can make her a very happy women. I am ols school with the vows of do death we part but she is in a regain self respect mode and fears that the same thing would eventually happen if we got back together. Now she is okay with us spending time together as good friends but thats it. This blows my mind cause I cant understand how she can do that w/o having any feelings. I do not know what I should really do? What do you think about this of what I have told you?

Thank You!

Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Your wife sounds as though she is making some life changes e.g., losing weight and other things to build her self esteem on her own. She has been reflecting on how she acted and how you acted during fights and disagreements, and seems to be leaning toward permanent separation or divorce. I think you suspect that she is leaning more toward not coming back into a serious, marital relationship with you versus making another attempt at your fixing marriage. I think I was believing she was more 'on the fence' about what to do and would wait to see what your behavior was like after a number of months----based on your first posts to me. This last post makes it appear that she is less inclined to reconcile---would your agree? Now, having said this, it would also appear that at least for the next few weeks or months, she isn't ready to do anything yet in terms of filing papers or proceeding with a divorce because she is obviously invested in trying to keep the mortgage paid on your house. If she was completely set on getting a divorce, she might not do this. It might be the case that someone at her bank told her to try her best to keep up on the house payments until the housing market improves a bit and then sell the house---this would be better than losing the house back to the bank right now, due to your delinquencies on house payments. It is hard to tell what her motives are for keeping the home payments up entirely.

Given these circumstances, you might do well to assume that the best you can do it view her or construe her as the woman you knew before you married her. At that time, you had to try to invite her on dates and court her. Prior to your engagement, you had no idea whether you would win her and get her to marry you, but you did what you could to attract her. You don't have much of a choice except to realize that at this time, she is very much in the same position with you as she was when you were dating her. The same uncertainty about the outcome of any dating or courting efforts you make exist now, as they did before you got married. I am still concerned that you are trying to persuade her, using words, to come back to you, more so than you trust that your behavior and the consistent way you change, will telegraph to her that you are a changed man, interesting, respectful, etc. So all in all, I don't think the situation right now is as optimistic or hopeful as I believed it was about a week ago; on the the other hand, you have limited power to do anything and to protect your own 'sanity', it is best that you quickly accept the idea that she might not becoming back permanently, and that you are 'back to square one' in terms of needing to construe her more as the single woman you knew before you got married, with all of the uncertainties of that, and your intentions to try to attract her to you again, as you did before you got engaged. She does freely admit that she enjoys visiting with you. While you want to say, " you are my wife and you must come home"; she is saying, "I doubt I want that role anymore and I won't come home---I feel more like a single woman than married right now".

I'm sorry for this turn of events. I still believe that if you truly portray the changes you intend to make in your behavior, and you do not argue with her, but listen respectfully, XXXXX XXXXX yet see the changes and decide to give the relationship another shot; but as we discussed before, this will take a lot of time. What do you think?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I was thinking of writing a long letter apologizing for what I have done, break things down and myself from my faults and how I am changing that part of me and tell her that I love her no matter what.( with out bringing up her faults) She is still willing to see me (as friends though), confussed WHY???? you know how I feel about her, Do you think I should see her and do things as friends or??

 

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Yes, I do think you could perhaps write the letter; but only if it includes information or statements you haven't told her already. If you repeat yourself in writing, she will interpret the letter as simply another repetitious plea from you to get back together. Now, near the end of the letter, be sure that you emphasize that you really don't expect her to believe your words and that you fully understand that only permanent changes in your personality and behavior will communicate your 'resolve' to change. You can tell her that in fact, you have found that YOU didn't like the way you were in the past either and are finding more inner peace with some of the changes you are attempting. Don't go into a ton of detail, just keep the letter to a page or two at most. Also, you can tell her that you would be honored to take her out when an opportunity to have a fun, enjoyable time together presents itself.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

 

OK

 

Thank You

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

Dr. Michael sorry my card was maxed on the account so I at least sent $5.00 to you but I promise will give more of a bonus when we speak again. Thank You so much

 

Sincerely,

 

Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Feel free to keep me posted as this story unfolds in you life. Thanks!
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

I will be in touch and again THANK YOU!

 

Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
My best to you!
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Dr. Michael,

 

I have not wrote her a letter yet as I do not want to expose all of myself as she takes no blame for anything and I am in fear she is compleatly lost as she seems to not care that I do not contact her. I have had my wife at the house to work on the loan mod ppwk once as she had her sister outside talking on the phone to whoever for 1&half hours. Now she has her sis who she is close to, there to fill in any void she could have and also I think she has recorded an argument from the past and probally plays it when she feels something. Last time I wrote you on March 8th she had told me I do not love you anymore (but she says it wrong I think from interpritation of being spanish cause I know that she has to at least care for me) and I asked her if she missed me at all and she says NO. Owe thats MEAN & painfull as I know she is not a robot and has a heart as we had 5 years together! She says the last time she left a couple of years ago that she was deep in love and now she is not. Now I know the last few months we had a rocky time but to me when you are in a marriage you work it out. She had this big fantasy when we were married and now found out that that is not real love and a marriage is work. It is way to easy for my wife to be able to abandone me and all the responsibilities as she goes to her moms and then has her sister move in like it was before we got married. ( unhealthy ). I hear that Jen and her Cousin are all togther living it up at the rest clubs etc. I feel that I have done all the sufffering as she lives her life at her moms with no rememberance of the house pics us etc with no reflection of herself and all blame shift on me. I am to meet her tonight to finalize ppwk on the loan mod as I have only spoke with her about that. She has requested to meet and finsh away from the house only. ( HMMMM ). I want to talk more or even write a letter and give it to her but I just do not know what to do. I have been in severe emotional pain ever since she left 9 & half weeks ago and I feel distant from her because of the way she is acting toards me. I want to work or talk things out obivously but she has the perfect set up to seperate from me.
What do you think I should feel or do?

Sincerely,
Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
I would write the letter; in the letter, describe the behavior changes you are making and that you hope she will remain in contact with you, because you realize that only our actions can persuade her to consider her relationship with you and the marital vows you took together. Explain that you have no words of persuasion to offer because you realize that words can't build trust or strong feelings for another person---only their actions can do that; and it is actions you are carrying out. So list the actions you are taking in the letter, and express your love and your regret for things that have happened. Don't plead for her to come back home.

Since March 8, when we last talked, it does appear that she is pulling away even more, as you suggest. I think we would have predicted some conflicts would develop with her sister; but your report suggests that they are getting on very well and have not conflicts whatsoever---nothing his happening that might help prompt her to come back home. There is really not much you can do beyond being cordial, polite, and write your letter to her. It is impossible to get someone to change their mind about a relationship once they have truly made up their mind, or won't spend any time looking at their spouse's behavior and whether it has changed. So you may need to at least begin entertaining the notion that you could be a single man 'down the road', and will have to begin considering how you want to live your life, how you would get on without your wife, etc. I would certainly not 'give up' on your wife yet, because she is interacting with you on business matters, but I would have to agree that the situation is now 'worse' than it was in early March. I'm very sorry this isn't heading in the 'right direction' for you right now.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Michael,

 

If I wanted to do something ex: meet or go somewhere) with my wife I probally could, but the shear feelings of her wanting to be friends only would make me feel like she would have her cake and ice cream, so I stopped doing that. So I do not know what to do about that since not doing anything does not seem to work while she has her sis mom and cousins. Should I continue like I am or just.

 

Gregory

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Well, if you do not want to subject yourself to a meeting or visitation situation with your wife that would only remind you that she wants to only 'be friends' and wants to maintain the separation, you can certainly refuse such contacts. It would appear that you are withholding some contact from her that she doesn't value much right now anyway, so it would not do any harm to avoid such meetings or outings. But I would write the letter we talked about. You should, in the meantime, continue as you have been; but now, the reality may be evolving---you might end up a single man; the question is, what will you be, how will you live as a single man if it comes that, etc.? These are questions you can focus on while you bide your time with your relationship with your wife.
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