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BryonyShaw
BryonyShaw, Counsellor
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How can I help my husband who gets lost in sexual fantasy and crosses the line often in hi

Customer Question

How can I help my husband who gets lost in sexual fantasy and crosses the line often in his mind and actually does imagine himself with other women, even women I know?  He just told me about all of this recently and I'm trying to work through it and also help him. I've felt there is something going on for quite some time and he's denied most all of it when I've asked. He seems to cycle where at times he's attentive. Then he withdraws and I can tell something else is going on. He says he's not sure why it happens but realizes now that it is happening and he doesn't know why. What type of help is out there for something like this?  I think he's ready to get help, but we don't know where to turn.  I have been searching online and his behavior seems to be a good match for what I'm finding about compulsive sexual behavior/addictions.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 3 years ago.
Hi, Welcome to JA. I am sorry to hear about your husband's situation. Let me ask you a question before I offer an answer. Does he exhibit signs of anxiety or depression lately? Is he open to counseling?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes he has always had a bit of anxiety when he's uncomfortable with the conversation or emotional things. No, not depression. Yes, I believe he is open to counseling.

Expert:  BryonyShaw replied 3 years ago.

I'm sorry you're going through feeling as though your husband may have sex addiction issues. Sex addiction is one of the more challenging addictions. It often involves the most secrets and lies of all the addictions out there.

 

However, from the behaviour you are describing, he does not sound to me as though he is a sex addict.

 

Fantasy is a normal healthy component of sexuality. Sometimes fantasies should stay in the head where they belong!!! I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to share the fantasies with you unless you enjoy his sharing.

 

Sexual addiction involves behaviour that results in negative consequences and your husband if addicted would not be able to stop the behaviour. So for example, if you got hurt by hearing about his fantasy world, and you asked him to stop and he could not stop, that would be an inability to stop the behaviour despite negative consequences. Does that make sense?

 

The fantasies alone would not be enough to determine a sexual addiction. Is there more behaviour to report? Does your husband look at pornography when he should be working, or does he have affairs, which would compromise the integrity of your marriage? Does he engage in inappropriate flirtatious behaviour with other women, phone conversations, emails, texts? Does he meet with prostitutes or other sex workers? Any of these behaviours might point with more severity to a sex addiction problem.

 

I hope this helps. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have more questions.

Bryony

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes there is more - however, we are going to see a counselor in person to try to help us, instead of using this site. I don't think I can really get help online for us as I don't feel I should share his issues online in order to help me deal with mine.

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