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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hi, I was married to a woman who had all the characteristics

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Hi, I was married to a woman who had all the characteristics of being a sociopath. We did get divorced and have joint custody over our son who is 9. I have have the majority of the time. We have been divorced for almost 4 years and it has been almost as much hell as the marriage itself. My ex basically used my son to control me and used me to facilate her spending a little fun time with him whenever it was convenient for her. I have my own business, work long hours and besides being mentally drained I got physically exhausted. I met my fiancee and we want to get married. Initially me ex was all "excited" and she was 'best friends" with my fiancee, who is her total opposite. When we announced we wanted to get together all hell broke loose though. I went to a lawyer and filed a petition to relocate (only 100 miles away) and an evaluation. My ex is completely trying to destroy anything she can, my business, my credibility, alienate me from friends, she is alienating my son etc etc. She will lie, turn stories around in a heartbeat, manipulate etc etc. I feel very frustarted and helpless because it seems that there is nothing I can do. Most people do not even seem to believe my story; she is very sneaky and her stories all sound perfect. She has basically done nothing for my son the past years, but suddenly she is busy creating a track-record, and this includes to bring out all kinds of false stories about me. I have been looking for help at my son's school, via a counsellor, but it seems like people do not understand the situation, and as said, my ex is trying very hard to actually turn things around on me.
I am hoping the evaluation will bring out her deceit and mental state but she is an extremely good liar and manipulator.
Is there any advice, any place I can go to for help? What would you suggest?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


I can see that you are trying to play by normal rules of civil society. And they are not working. Are you willing to also dig up dirt on her and document it?

Are you willing to look for a hard nosed lawyer who will advise you on how to document everything you need and gather information against someone who does not fight within the rules?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

I see you are online at this time but I'm going to be going into session soon, so if I can't answer before that, would later in the evening be okay for me to respond?

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Mark,

 

Thank you for your response. My lawyer is not necessarily hard nosed but extremely well known and respected here and I think she is among the best you can get. She would give me some credibility in front of a judge as well. I am trying to document as much as I can; I have for instance statements from my son that he was forced to lie, keep secrets, told bad things about my fiancee, her family, myself etc etc. It's hard because she is extremely sneaky.. she will not fight if there are other people around, she has called all kind of things in on my company, and if she opens her mouth she lies, but she is so good that people believe her. She is so good that she manages to turn around whatever I can get on her and make me look bad. She will feed people non-stop stories and has basically all day to do so. It's even impossible to keep up defending myself with her.

I am not the vindictive kind, and I guess that is why I am an easy victim for a sociopath. It took me a long time to even find out that she is one; not until recently and after doing a lot of research I almost fell off my chair, because she fits all the definitions as a glove. She has no conscience, guilt, shame, empathy, she wil constantly fight and have power-struggles over everything, she will lie, manipulate, turn things around etc. And of course SHE is always the victim. To be honest, I have had times that I thought it was me who was crazy and at least I am glad that I can basically see and understand what is happening and even sometimes predict what she will be doing.

We went to counselling before the divorce, which for me was a waste, because she was basically trying to feed the counsellor the same type of lies and stories she would feed other people. I do think, to a certain extent the counsellor did see through this though, because she had her go through some psycho therapy. I hav ebeen thinking about contacting this counsellor again.

Talking about dirt, I have some extreme dirt on her, something she once confessed to me and would potentially land her in jail for quite a while, but it would be my word against her word. I am not sure if I would want to go there, it would definitively bring things to a next level.

Besides wanting my life and freedom back, my main concern is my son. He has kind of accepted this situation but would love to have a family life. He absolutely loves my fiancee (he calls her mama, much to the despise of my ex) and she is extremely good with him. He is being put in an impossible position now and mentally abused and brainwashed by my ex. Now even this she tried to turn around; yesterday she tried starting a fight and stated that I was hurting my son.

She started this whole world war 3 thing about my fiancee and me wanted to get together and potentially live 100 miles away. We had worked out a plan in which she would see him the same amount of time, but it was a waste as well. As mentioned I do have him about 75% of the time (a full week and then a half week) and do everything for him; his homework, social events, appointments, etc.. Of course the past months my ex is not only trying to create a track-record, but also trying to distort mine. To give you an example, a few years ago after a soccer game she started a big fight about the fact that his homework was not done. She told me she did not want to do his homework and spend fun time with him. So I have always done his homework, Now I am hearing (via my son!) that she wants to do his homework and that I do not care for her. She has been going to his school, pretending to be interested and complaining about me. She will contact friends and aquintances and feed them stories too.

So hopefully this gives you some more background. From your initial response I can basically understand that you would suggest to document everything (something I am trying to do) and try to dig up more dirt.

The past weeks or so I have done a lot of reading about this subject but it's hard to actually find any solutions. Generally it's "Run Away", but I can't because of my son.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Thanks.

 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

You are clearly a very intelligent man and that you care and that you love your son is also clear. And that you are used to people being normal and are prepared to live within the rules of normal behavior is, further, also clear. So first, let me say what I think you already know within yourself. There IS NO easy way to deal with her or to get out of this situation. It is not normal and she is not normal. And I'm not talking about run of the mill "not normal".


I want to share a conversation I once had with a prison psychologist to give you an idea of what it means to be a sociopath:

We got to what he does in the federal prison. He said he works with the hardest hard-core prisoners there are. I asked who those were. He said those are the prisoners who are sociopaths. I asked him if they were truly sociopath because that's not an easy diagnosis to get. He said that I'm right. That to get such a diagnosis and have it be accurate the person has to be truly someone who has no conscience. They will lie to you without an ounce of feeling about it. They will show an emotion but only if it gets them something they want. In the prison, he says, he cannot go into their cell alone. There always has to be at least one guard there because otherwise they might jump him when he turns his back.

This is so scary that I always know how sociopathic the person that the person I'm working with has in his/her life by how much I can sense they just want the nightmare to be over and for things to be normal. I think you are clever and can understand how this works. And you're in that situation now. And it looks like you're going to be until your son becomes 18.

There is only one rule with dealing with your wife: do the least that you can to get her notice. Got it? So wanting to move was just too much opportunity. So lesson one is for the next 9 years do the least changes of any kind that would require any contact other than what already exists.

It is probably too late to undo the 100 mile move but if not, discuss this with your fiance and attorney. If it gets less contact, that's worth it to you. It's less opportunity for her to try to destroy someone's emotional life--you most likely.

Second, when I talked about gathering dirt, I am not looking for anything that can't be used in court. The other way: I'm only looking for things that your attorney can either bring up in court or YOUR ATTORNEY can use to bargain with her to do something quantifiable you want. That means nothing like "You won't say any lies about my client". Meaningless to her, isn't it? But, "You will sign an affidavit that...." is useful. That's the kind of dirt that counts.

Third point. Document everything means what you think it does and run it by the attorney. Sounds like you got a good one.

Fourth point: do not fight like a gentleman. I don't mean you tell lies. That's counterproductive. But you don't have to keep silent. Defend yourself among your friends. Tell your side. In my experience, the sociopath lies so convincingly until the lies pile up and then people get a whiff.

Fifth point: this is important: I need you to continually remind yourself that you have to suffer because you fell in with her and now your son has to suffer along with you and your fiance. She is a big pain in your life. True. BUT, you get to leave her and smile at the world. She has to live with herself 24 hours a day and will never know the joy of smiling at the world.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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