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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Hi, I am a 30 year old woman and just over a year ago my

Resolved Question:

Hi,

I am a 30 year old woman and just over a year ago my parents bought a flat for me to live in in the city I'd been staying in for the past 5 and a half years. I didn't ask them to and though initially I was grateful when they offered I very quickly went off the idea. My scruples were numerous: The offer made me feel like a failure because when I was a child they brought me up to think that it was good to be independant and only spoilt little rich kids had homes bought for them; I didn't want to be tied to one place; I didn't want to be living it up in a a flat they bought 150 kilometers away when they were old and probably lonely and decrepid; I was worried that somehow they'd loose all their money but they wouldn't want to throw me out so they wouldn't sell the flat to improve their own lives. Things got worse after they'd bought the place (a 1970's building I didn't like) and my Mum insisted on doing all the decorating, refusing to let me have any say in the matter (the decorating process went on for at least half a year). I feel like I can never be/nor would want to be emotionally independent of them but it's not safe for me to be emotionally and financially dependent on them. The reason that this situation arose in the first place was because the flat I was renting with friends broke up and as I had just finished college a couple of months beforehand I had some debts and not enough money to pay a deposit on a new place. I didn't really want to move back to my home town and my Dad thought that I would do better where I was and it would be better if I didn't live too close to my Mum, who, as later events reiterated, can't stop micro-managing.

Now my problems are two-fold, first I feel like a brat because I can't stop feeling undermined and resentful towards my parents and issues between us that I hadn't thought about since I was a teenager have started ruminating around my mind. Secondly I am now working part-time in an assistant manager position but for very low pay. I like the job a lot but I think it will be ages before I can work my way up the ladder or get full-time work there. I might be able to get some supplementary hours in a shop I used to work in. This would be great as I loved the old shop. The only bad thing is that I feel I would be tying myself to this city and the flat I'm in even more. I'd like to move to a near-by city, 30 miles away as it is quite a big place and my brother lives there and so then my parents could visit both of us together more easily. Alternatively I could move back to my home town. I don't really want to but I really think my reasons for wanting to leave this flat are valid and I don't even like the city so much because of the flat. So, my question is, should I apply for the supplementary hours at my old job, which might make me happier on a day to day basis, or should I look for another job I wouldn't care about till I come up with a better career plan and a job to move to? My parents don't mind if I move out of the flat to move jobs.

I hope you can help me and don't think me a complete brat. The issues that I have with my parents are that though they were very kind and loving when myself and my younger brother and sister were kids I think they both, my Dad especially, used to prefer my sister. I can appreciate and understand why but it's not good for me to have to acknowledge that on a daily basis. Also I am gay/bi so I am reluctant to move to my home town as it is so small and it would be harder to meet someone.

I don't know what to do. Please respond quickly as I should phone my old employers as soon as possible if I want some supplementary hours back from them.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are having. Because your parents bought you a flat that doesn't make you a brat. If they could afford it, why not. Since you think they wouldn't mind if you moved out of your flat, why would you be concerned about moving? If it will make you happier to move, then by all means, do that.
I'll pause here and await your response.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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