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Josh Rose, LCSW
Josh Rose, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 11
Experience:  Director of family therapy training center in SF area. Expert in mental health and relationships.
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My boyfriend of over a year, he is 26, have recently moved

Customer Question

My boyfriend of over a year, he is 26, have recently moved in together and I have found out that he is watching shemale porn every couple of days. I was completely floored when I first found out about it a few months ago when he didn’t log off his email but the strange thing was that it was an alias name and account and he was enquiring about meeting that specific shemale. He said it wasn’t his email account and since we had guests from overseas staying with us, it could have been either one of them, so I didn’t pursue it any further and forgot about it.
One day as I opened our house computer I found that he was downloading shemale porn as he had forgotten to close the browser. He always deletes his browsing history so that was the first time I saw this. So I am not proud of it but I installed monitoring software on the computer to see how far this goes. I have found out that he watches just this type of porn every couple of days and our sex life has not been as satisfying as it normally has been and he seems soft of distant.
So I decided to talk to him about so, I waited for him to get home yesterday and told him that I have noticed that he watches shemale porn as he left the browser open sometime ago and asked him to explain to me if this is a fetish if it is something more to this and he is wishing to act on.
He replied to me that he is embarrassed to talk to me about it and he said that this is a relative new thing and he was simply curious but it is not something I need to worry about. He basically gave me nothing to calm my worries.
Well I am afraid that it is on my mind constantly and I need to understand this and also find out how to deal with this if it is something that can be dealt with.
Please HELP!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Josh Rose, LCSW replied 3 years ago.

Josh Rose, LCSW :

Hello, thank you for allowing me to help you with this situation. I can understand how stressful this must make you feel. In a sense, this is not unlike discovering that your partner is having an affair. Indeed, the situation bears similarities not just in the fact that your boyfriend is directing his intimacy towards another partner, but also in that he has felt the need to lie and cover it up. One possibility that you cannot rule out, is that your boyfriend has been also physically involved with other partners, either male or female. I don't raise this point to distress you, but to call attention to the need for caution as regards transmission of STD. More generally, my sense is that this situation raises an alarm as to the condition of the relationship. My biggest worry, frankly, is not so much the pornography, as the lack of communication around this issue. You have described a pattern of mistrust and secrecy on both sides--you felt the need to monitor his computer; he hid his activities; you let your initial concerns drop quickly; you let the most recent conversation go despite your real concerns. I don't say this in any way to lay blame--this is a difficult and stressful moment for both of you. But I do want to emphasize the communication lapses at the heart of the matter. I would not let yourself get detoured by the fact of the porn so much as focusing on the real crisis, which is the failure to know your partner or for him to know you. This moment could become a blessing in disguise, if it motivates you as a partnership to wade into some raw, honest emotions with each other; whether that ultimately leads to break up or a deeper bond, I believe this will be a healthy step in either case.

Josh Rose, LCSW :

Please let me know your response to this feedback. Very best of luck to you.

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Josh Rose, LCSW
Josh Rose, LCSW
Mental Health Professional
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Director of family therapy training center in SF area. Expert in mental health and relationships.