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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Im seeking advice on a trust issue Im having with my husband,

Resolved Question:

I'm seeking advice on a trust issue I'm having with my husband, which seems to be affecting my marriage quite a bit. I can't shake the feeling that he is cheating on me yet I have no actual proof... should I just let ignore it until I'm proven wrong?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Ignoring our feelings is hardly EVER a solution that lasts for a long time. And I believe that this feeling is the type that will always come back until it is addressed. So, share with me why you are suspicious?

How does he respond to your suspicions?

Are you two emotionally close? Why not?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We are very emotionally close, and he always seems to say the right things, he is very expressive of his feelings. but he is also very secretive of his personal things. he is a trainer and deals with very beautiful and outgoing type people, he is very "friendly" and "touchy" with everyone. he hides his phone and deletes all his messages during the day, when I ask why he says he doesn't have a reason and that he's sorry>?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.


First, let me say I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. On the one hand you are both close. But on the other hand your husband feels the need to keep secrets that point to other emotional attachments that he has no desire for you to see. So somehow the emotional closeness is not complete. You are clearly sensitive and intelligent enough to sense this within yourself, that he is not emotionally being complete in the marriage if this is going on. And it is correctly bothering you.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Let me help you with a healthy orientation for what you are feeling. We humans are not built to tolerate emotional vacuums. You can see that your husband is filling some emotional need elsewhere or this weak excuse would not be presented to you by a man who is this intelligent and emotionally expressive. So there has been created a vacuum. Your emotional selves feel the void and want it filled. You know that yours is because he is seeking some need fulfilled elsewhere. And we don't know what his emotional vacuum is that he is seeking to fulfill elsewhere.


Your husband may continue to deny this and I do not make these statements to accuse him of sexual infidelity. I do not know. I am writing this to discuss the EMOTIONAL distancing that has been created. The two of you need to go to couples therapy now. There are two types of therapies I recommend strongly for you two to consider. I also urge you to take your husband to Starbucks or some other neutral quiet site and read my answer together and agree to undertake this so that your marriage becomes what each of you wants it to be.

One type of therapy is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. This one is the one I would use in your situation first. Why? Because it focuses on how there have been created emotional barriers and how to get through those barriers. The barrier of honesty is a very precious one that trust depends on. And openness is required for honesty and thus trust. So please consider it before you take other action.

Here is the web address for their therapist finder:

http://iceeft.com/findtherapist.php

On the website you'll also find excellent books by the founders, Sue Johnson and Leslie Greenberg. You may not find an EFT therapist in your area. So, the other therapy is Gottman therapy. Seek a therapist who is certified by the Gottman Institute. Here's their web address for finding a therapist:


http://www.gottman.com/49824/Find-A-Therapist.html

Why? Because John Gottman is the foremost researcher in marriage today and his couples therapy model is the most straightforward model available and you may need that because there isn't much time to see if he will move closer. So if you don't connect with EFT, use this therapy. I hope that therapists working in these types of couples therapies are listed for your area. If not, find a couples therapist who makes you feel confident in his/her skills and values.

Okay, I wish you the very best in this and in the future!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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