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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5154
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My husband and I are in the second marriage. My husband brought his son to my ho

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My husband and I are in the second marriage. My husband brought his son to my home without any negociation. His son hasn't disciplined at all. His room became a junk room: food, dirty clothes,even bad smell came from his room. His son is also lazy. I couldn't bear any more.Also, my husband had big finance problem: Big Credit debts, don't work hard(He is an ex-lawer and lost his practice.#. He treated my son badly#Before merriage he was good to my son.). Since his son came to my home, he turned away from my son and put my son down. So, I asked them move out from my home. They moved out. However, I wanted to work out. It has been in one and a half year but the situation doesn't get better. My husband continually pays penelty to bank. He can't pay the bills for himself. He is using my address for his%
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Your counselor suggested divorce. What do you think of this advice? What makes you NOT want to get a divorce?

You say he is not interested in counseling. If not, how would he change? And if he does not change, are you willing to stay with him?

Has his effect on your son improved? Is it healthy for your son to have this man in his life?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

I see you are offline at this time. I may be away from the computer before you respond. If so, would tomorrow be okay for me to respond?

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I always hope that anybody can be changed by God or something else. He has been improved some part but his attention to his son and his financial behavior haven't changed yet. He said that only if I accept his son, he is willing to work on our relationship. My son is a teenager too. So, if my husband talks to my son with honest and openness, it could be different. I still have anger toward my stepson because he knew that I wanted to have him later, but my husband and his son ignored my wish. Do you know what I wanted from them? Just say, "I am sorry." I told my husband about it, he blamed me. I heard that the second marriage takes seven years to make through. It has been only two years for us. I am seeking some hope that I can try. Otherwise, I need to ask someone to shake him or spank him but I don't know whom I need to ask.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

First, let me say you are clearly a goodhearted person who wants to find the positive in life and in people. This is very beautiful and very important.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Your son is a teenager and he is your first responsibility. I am concerned for his development and the effect of your husband's life attitude and stepson's attitude on your son. How you deal with them is going to influence your son's development in important ways.

It is very true that G-d can change people. But how does G-d do this?What is the mechanism that G-d uses? And I think you are a good person and know this in your heart: G-d looks to see if there is a true DESIRE to change so that G-d's goodness can influence and fill the person's heart and he can change. Until then, the person has what the Psalms call a heart of stone. Change becomes a vain hope.

And your husband seems to have indicated that he is not going to change. He has signaled this with a refusal to get help. And you are asking form them to say they are sorry, but this is beyond them.

It is true that every marriage is a work in progress. But there is an important word here: work. The two people have to be willing to do the work.

So I don't know who can shake him into realizing that he's losing someone so valuable in his life. You can send my answer to him but I doubt it will influence him.

I know that it is hard for you to make such a decision. But again, I need you to accept that your heart is already saddened. That you are a strong lady. That G-d is on your side and wants you to take care of your boy he has entrusted in your care.

I wish you the very best!

 

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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5154
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Mental Health Professional
5154 Satisfied Customers
Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice