How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kristin Your Own Question

Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kristin is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im in a long distance relationship (250 miles apart#. We talk by teleph&#

Customer Question

I'm in a long distance relationship (250 miles apart#. We talk by telephone nearly every night #he calls me 99% of the time# XXXXX rarely spend time together in person. #less than 7 days in over 8 months#.
He has been divorced for six years and has two children #freshman in college and first year law school student#. Both live in their own apartments in the cities where they are in college/law school. Also, he is currently building a new home and that, along with job demands, is consuming nearly all of his free time.
I've been divorced more than 10 years and have no children. I am an only child #as is he# XXXXX parents who are 86 years old and live an hour away from me. I spend at least one day every other weekend #and, periodically, every weekend# XXXXX them to help with bills, housecleaning, shopping, etc.
We were introduced by a mutual relative #his mother’s sister; my aunt by marriage). We laugh a lot, care for each other, share worries and disappointments with each oth
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and welcome to JA,

 

Can you tell me what specifically your question is in regards XXXXX XXXXX relationship?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

How do I know if it's time to leave or put different boundaries on this relationship?

 

Is it reasonable to suggest to him things that he could occasionally do such as flowers at work?

 

 

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay, I see what you are asking.

 

Less than 7 days of seeing one another in 8 months is not any kind of commitment to the relationship really, even if it is long distance. At 250 miles apart, you could certainly be seeing each other much more often. So, it sounds like you are not satisfied with this arrangement and I could certainly understand why.

It's very reasonable and in fact it's mandatory that you tell him what your needs are. If flowers at work would mean something to you, then yes let him know. If he cares, he will respond to your requests. And flowers on occasion is not much to ask for.

You can also set boundaries such as saying "I would really like to see you more, or make plans for when we will actually live closer, or get engaged etc. (whatever you would like to see happen). And then see what he says. It's okay to say, in the next few months I need to be closer, or I will move on to seek out a relationship where I can actually be with that person, make a life, etc.

Don't be afraid to state what you want, and have a discussion with him about this. Otherwise, things could go on like this, indefinitely.... Please click ACCEPT button for this answer, so I'm credited for my help today. Feel free to ask me anything else, even after clicking ACCEPT. Thank you...

Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Kristin and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

Thank you for the quick and thoughtful response.

 

Composing the email and reading through your answer has also helped me clarify an issue that I "own": what do I have the right to ask for myself?

 

I grew up in a household where my role was to keep my dad "happy" by being very compliant with his rules and meeting his expectations. Failure to do so resulted in his withdrawing all interaction....very frightening for me since my mother had died (breast cancer) when I was 8 years old.

 

I'm realizing that I'm afraid to "need" things for fear I'll lose people in my life who are important to me. Consequently, I usually over-accomodate their needs or abruptly end the relationship with no further contact.

 

I don't want to do either in this relationship and am finding it scary ( don't trust my own judgement) and, also, don't want to risk losing whatever I do have in a relationship.

 

Thank you again for helping to clarify what I already knew....I need to be aware of what I need, willing to appropriately ask for it and make decisions based on those factors.

 

When new questions or issues arise, is it possible to request a specific counselor?

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello again, and I'm impressed with your insight and clarity into the issue.

 

Yes, you are overaccomodating and as a child (you had to) because you really needed your father to survive, etc. But now, as an adult you have other resources, etc that you can draw from, so while the fear may still be there, the consequence is dramatically different. So, keep that in mind. It was wrong for your father to do that, by the way.

So, take some small steps and ask for what you need and then see how it feels, and practice it more and more. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach from the get go, but what you will find is that you will choose relationships that are more mutual and you will allow the ones, that depend on you to be overaccomodating to perhaps fade away. But that will be okay, b.c you can then find others who also want to be in a reciprocal and mutual relationship.

When you have a question here, just put To Kristin in front of the post and I will be happy to answer you directly. Thank you! p.s. keep in mind, that without you saying what you need and want, people often will not know, so go ahead and just say it...

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education