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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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I have had a mentally unstable home life, which includes a

Customer Question

I have had a mentally unstable home life, which includes a lot of manipulation and control from my parents to me, that I have noticed since I was 7 years old. Since then, I have always felt like I am on the very edge of one mental disorder or another. I am on the edge of depression, and I pull myself in. I am on the edge of beginning cutting, or begin regurgitating food and creating an eating disorder, and then I reel myself back in by doing other activities and shutting down my mind for a while. Right now, I have learned that I don't like college whatsoever, but my parents will freak out and basically disown me if I leave. I feel like I have to do it for myself, but I don't know if I can stay stable this time while dealing with the hatred and anger. (They won't even LISTEN to me when I say I'm quitting. They say I don't know what I'm talking about and tell me I'd "better stay.") What do I do to make sure I am together enough to function normally during this transition?

Thank you for your help. I have no one else to turn to.

-Jen
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

You have a lot of insight into how you are feeling and it's very good that you are able to reel yourself back in, when you start to feel like you're going over the edge. And staying involved with friends, social activities, exercise, changing your thoughts etc are all helpful things to do, even when you don't feel like it. Is there a counseling center at the college, and also do you live at home or on campus?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I live on campus but many of my posessions are at home. I am currently in the process of becoming nonmaterialistic (because I hope it will downgrade my stress and give me something to concentrate on...), so I can probably leave even the violin here and just...go...

I love exercising (I'm a black belt in karate) and doing yoga but at the end of the day I'm still crying and tearing myself apart. I only ever find good people in people who have been hurt before. My friends have been raped, beaten, cut themselves, been drug users, and all sorts of nasty shit. My boyfriend of three years hasn't, but he's not always around, and at the end of the day it's still ME against my parents, the world, and myself. Everyone else is barely around and they're all too busy with their own damn problems to give a damn about mine for more than a moment...and when they do give a damn for a while, they don't know what to say to help because they don't know how to fix themselves, let alone me.

There is a counseling center...I have an appointment scheduled for Monday where they're going to put me through a phone screening...it was part of my tuition so I'm getting away with not paying for a session or two...but their job is explicitly stated to KEEP ME IN COLLEGE and improve my grades. I am currently failing out on purpose so that I can't go back in if I'm scared of hurting/alienating my parents, who forced me here in the first place; I WANT academic suspension so that I can't keep myself in this hole.

My dad is a scientific type. He spent his time working and writing papers in the basement where his office is while I cried myself to sleep EVERY night. My mom screams and literally goes ballistic, red-faced, etc...I kept her from beginning physical abuse by pressing Dad to get a restraining order against her when she hit my Uncle Tim. I haven't trusted my memories for years because she always tells me she never did things I JUST saw her do, so I have always thought, until recently, that I had just made it all up, or that it was all my fault. The only reason I'm stable at ALL is because I have been devouring self-help, neuroscience, and psychology books with the intention of fixing myself for four years now. And I barely make it to that stability, even though I'm doing yoga and meditating every morning.

The whole thing is at the point where I am pushing my problems and pains onto my boyfriend, who sweetly sits there and says sorry and lets me cry and insult and be hurt. I do not want to be my mother. This is wrong, and I am fully aware of it all when I am doing it, but any slightly iffy thing he might do (like not complimenting me at all during a conversation) makes me feel worthless and I explode.

I am writing a book. I enjoy painting. I write poems that are "English-class quality." I'm writing music. I'm highly motivated. I learned crochet last summer and opened up an Etsy. I am doing everything I can possibly think of, including going to dances and plays with friends AND having deep, emotional conversations with them about my problems, and here I am thinking I'm going to break anyway. I am past the point of possibly being able to fix this where I am. I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't want to believe I'm worthless anymore because my parents will not love me if I do not fit their desires and DO NOT listen to me when I explain my problems and needs; they only hear the needs and problems they WANT to hear, and only give me resources for the things they think I OUGHT to be doing. They didn't even listen to me when I was 12 and explained I was bisexual. (Mom: "You don't have any idea what you're talking about.") I don't feel safe with them, or around them, or anything about them, and I spent years just wishing every day all the time that they would love me as much as I love them. I don't understand anything about them or how they could not love me. There must be something wrong with me. So I destroy myself every day to find what is wrong with me, and I do not understand what I am doing to make them act this way. I recognize the problem HAS to be them at this point, but I do not see how to fix it or what I can do to make the pain stop except to give them up.

I have already given up Mom's side of the family. They are all mean and attack one another for fun. I will not begin to describe to you the ARGUMENT that broke out in Cape Cod over whether or not blue eyes are a dominant gene. (They aren't.)

My parents want me to make a shitload of money (that I don't need) in a job that I don't want (I have looked through the entire Occupational Outlook Handbook and shadowed MANY medical professionals on their jobs...I much prefer working with my hands) and at this point, after being forced to CCD and piano and karate lessons and being ignored for this huge amount of time, I just want to die or be free SOMEHOW. This need really drives me to extremes and I am on the verge of trying Salvia/ecstacy this time because I'm starting to not care if I risk destroying my mental facilities. f**k, even the fact that I don't appreciate and therefore don't drink alcohol, ever, alienates me from my parents. I don't understand anything...I just...I need help. I can regurgitate my food whenever I want to and used to do that to rechew it and swallow it again. I have spent time slamming my head into things or hitting myself so that I can "wake up" and stop being upset, and instead focus on the pain. I have been suffering from violent thoughts I don't want to have towards my parents, like that maybe if I knocked them out and gagged them and tied them up they would finally f**king listen to me (but I know they wouldn't do it even if it was their only choice), and..

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this way. I work on myself EVERY DAY in EVERY way I can think of and it just doesn't seem to be working. At all. Help?

I'm sorry this is so long...I just want to make sure you have everything. I asked for therapy for years and my parents refused to help me out of some sort of idea of pride...I did get it once after being bullied in school for a year and reacting, finally, after involving school officials who did nothing, by threatening to stab her through the throat--and then not doing it (and I have been hated by everyone in my grade and...everywhere, really, near this town...ever since). Please know that what you say is truly important to me and I will always do my best with what you tell me.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Jen,

 

Thank you for the information. I can certainly hear how frustrated you are with how you are feeling and also very angry and frustrated with your parents for not listening to you, and getting you the help that you need.

It's very admirable that you have gone to great lengths to self-educate through books etc. on how to help yourself. I can tell that you really want to feel better and that you are desperate for this to happen. I can't imagine why on earth your parents would ignore your pleas for therapy, but that is definitely what you need.

I understand that you don't have the money for that, however it is imperative that you go to the session you have scheduled for Monday. don't worry that it's stated to improve your grades. You go in there and tell the counselor everything that you have written to me here. You need professional help with how you are feeling and I can assure you that with good therapy, you can and will feel better.

I know you don't want to hear this, but college is important and you are an intelligent young woman, who is obviously very gifted and talented. You may not feel it's important now, but getting an education is going to only serve you, no matter which vocation or life path you choose for yourself. Right now, however what is most important is that you feel much more stabilized and supported. There is a world full of people who are healthy and who will and can support you in your own mental health and growth. So, please know that though your parents didn't seem to hear you or understand your needs, that other people can and will.

Which part of the country do you live in, and I will also research some counseling centers for you that are free or very low cost, so that you can be sure to get the help you need. Please click ACCEPT button, and than also tell me which part of the country you are currently in. Thank you

Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Kristin and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
did you want me to research some low cost or free counseling for you? just let me know... thanks
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

I'm researching now for places in Amherst, MA ...

 

http://www.synthesiscenter.org/three.html

This looks really interesting with a holistic approach. Sliding scale counseling and also an option for low cost counseling with interns. Interns can be really great because they are often younger and have alot of motivation too. Click on the part that says low-cost counseling with interns at bottom of the page.

 

http://www.parentingdirectory.org/Behavioral-Counseling.html

look under Hampshire heading, down towards the middle to end for some in Amherst. Low cost counseling for teens.

 

You can also call some of the places from second link and ask them for more referrals if needed. But please do get the help you need as it is out there. You don't need to be out on a limb, trying to figure this all out on your own.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am not staying in college though. I am one of those crazy new-age types (which alienates me more) who believes in those crazy ecocommunities. Please help me find someone who will not trap me in a corner like my parents have for my lifetime. It will not be therapeutic.

Free would be best...I am saving up money to build a small home or move out with my boyfriend, friend, and her son. I like vocations much better than college-derived jobs. Hell I would be a pianist if I could, but I can't do that here.

Thank you for your help.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

I think then that you would really like the first link I sent to you, as it's more holistic oriented.

 

The facilities are in my email just above, so look above in our thread... thanks,

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for being so kind. I will do what I can. If something doesn't go right and I need more guidance, I will know who to come to. You.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

You're very welcome. So, I'm assuming you saw the links above then....good.

 

If you need to ask for me here, when you write a question just put To Kristin, and I will be the one to answer it for you.

 

Thank you for the bonus too! very kind of you...

best wishes.

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