I live on campus but many of my posessions are at home. I am currently in the process of becoming nonmaterialistic (because I hope it will downgrade my stress
and give me something to concentrate on...), so I can probably leave even the violin here and just...go...
I love exercising (I'm a black belt in karate) and doing yoga but at the end of the day I'm still crying and tearing myself apart. I only ever find good people in people who have been hurt before. My friends have been raped, beaten, cut themselves, been drug users, and all sorts of nasty shit. My boyfriend of three years hasn't, but he's not always around, and at the end of the day it's still ME against my parents, the world, and myself. Everyone else is barely around and they're all too busy with their own damn problems to give a damn about mine for more than a moment...and when they do give a damn for a while, they don't know what to say to help because they don't know how to fix themselves, let alone me.
There is a counseling center...I have an appointment scheduled for Monday where they're going to put me through a phone screening...it was part of my tuition so I'm getting away with not paying for a session or two...but their job is explicitly stated to KEEP ME IN COLLEGE and improve my grades. I am currently failing out on purpose so that I can't go back in if I'm scared of hurting/alienating my parents, who forced me here in the first place; I WANT academic suspension so that I can't keep myself in this hole.
My dad is a scientific type. He spent his time working and writing papers in the basement where his office is while I cried myself to sleep EVERY night. My mom screams and literally goes ballistic, red-faced, etc...I kept her from beginning physical abuse by pressing Dad to get a restraining order against her when she hit my Uncle Tim. I haven't trusted my memories for years because she always tells me she never did
things I JUST saw her do, so I have always thought, until recently, that I had just made it all up, or that it was all my fault. The only reason I'm stable at ALL is because I have been devouring self-help, neuroscience, and psychology books with the intention of fixing myself for four years now. And I barely make it to that stability, even though I'm doing yoga and meditating every morning.
The whole thing is at the point where I am pushing my problems and pains onto my boyfriend, who sweetly sits there and says sorry and lets me cry and insult and be hurt. I do not want to be my mother. This is wrong, and I am fully aware of it all when I am doing it, but any slightly iffy thing he might do (like not complimenting me at all during a conversation) makes me feel worthless and I explode.
I am writing a book. I enjoy painting. I write poems that are "English-class quality." I'm writing music. I'm highly motivated. I learned crochet last summer and opened up an Etsy. I am doing everything I can possibly think of, including going to dances and plays with friends AND having deep, emotional conversations with them about my problems, and here I am thinking I'm going to break anyway. I am past the point of possibly being able to fix this where I am. I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't want to believe I'm worthless anymore because my parents will not love me if I do not fit their desires and DO NOT listen to me when I explain my problems and needs; they only hear the needs and problems they WANT to hear, and only give me resources for the things they think I OUGHT to be doing. They didn't even listen to me when I was 12 and explained I was bisexual. (Mom: "You don't have any idea what you're talking about.") I don't feel safe with them, or around them, or anything about them, and I spent years just wishing every day all the time that they would love me as much as I love them. I don't understand anything about them or how they could not love me. There must be something wrong with me. So I destroy myself every day to find what is wrong with me, and I do not understand what I am doing to make them act this way. I recognize the problem HAS to be them at this point, but I do not see how to fix it or what I can do to make the pain stop except to give them up.
I have already given up Mom's side of the family. They are all mean and attack one another for fun. I will not begin to describe to you the ARGUMENT that broke out in Cape Cod over whether or not blue eyes are a dominant gene. (They aren't.)
My parents want me to make a shitload of money (that I don't need) in a job that I don't want (I have looked through the entire Occupational Outlook Handbook and shadowed MANY medical professionals on their jobs...I much prefer working with my hands) and at this point, after being forced to CCD and piano and karate lessons and being ignored for this huge amount of time, I just want to die or be free SOMEHOW. This need really drives me to extremes and I am on the verge of trying Salvia/ecstacy this time because I'm starting to not care if I risk destroying my mental facilities. f**k, even the fact that I don't appreciate and therefore don't drink alcohol, ever, alienates me from my parents. I don't understand anything...I just...I need help. I can regurgitate my food whenever I want to and used to do that to rechew it and swallow it again. I have spent time slamming my head into things or hitting myself so that I can "wake up" and stop being upset, and instead focus on the pain. I have been suffering from violent thoughts I don't want to have towards my parents, like that maybe if I knocked them out and gagged them and tied them up they would finally f**king listen to me (but I know they wouldn't do it even if it was their only choice), and..
I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this way. I work on myself EVERY DAY in EVERY way I can think of and it just doesn't seem to be working. At all. Help?
I'm sorry this is so long...I just want to make sure you have everything. I asked for therapy for years and my parents refused to help me out of some sort of idea of pride...I did get it once after being bullied in school for a year and reacting, finally, after involving school officials who did nothing, by threatening to stab her through the throat--and then not doing it (and I have been hated by everyone in my grade and...everywhere, really, near this town...ever since). Please know that what you say is truly important to me and I will always do my best with what you tell me.