Hello and thank you for your question.
You sound deeply affected by your mother's behaviors. Shaking when you pick up the phone to call her, really indicates just how fearful you are of her. What kinds of things does she say and do, that make her so frightening? How did she respond today when you told her everything about how you feel?
She has been trying to track me down this week to see me because it is half term. We have been having a busy week and my husband has taken a couple of days off from a very busy job so we didn't make any fixed arrangement to see her. So today she was putting pressure on me - Where had I been this week? Why hadn't I returned her texts? When could she see us? It is just the way she makes me feel. Treating me like a naughty child. I tried to explain to her that I had a new mobile and that is why I hadn't replied to texts and today we had been out when she had called and that I was now returning her call. She made me feel very guilty that we hadn't seen her and has no regard for the busy family life I have. So for once I told her how she made me feel. She is terribly good at twisting words around and change the course of the conversation.
The botXXXXX XXXXXne is I don't enjoy being in her company anymore. And I don't know how to resolve this or even if I want to?
Okay thanks for the additional info. It sounds like she is manipulative through guilt and like you said twisting things around, so she doesn't have to take accountability or look at her own behaviors. Sounds more than frustrating and that you feel trapped by her.
It's understandable that you would want to not feel this way any longer.
She is not someone who you can control as that will only backfire.
What you can control, is how you respond or react to her. Such as, "Mom we are having a really busy week. I will call you or text you, when I get a chance." I have to go now. When you try to make me feel guilty, by saying that I don't have time for you, I will hang up the phone." Or, "When you say that I'm wrong for not seeing you, that makes me not want to spend time with you." So I will call you when I'm ready to see you"
Meaning, you need to set limits with her, almost similar to a child. "When you do this, this will be the consequence". And then you must follow thru with the consequence.
IT's not about her trying to see your point of view, it's more about her seeing that there is a consequence (that she won't like) when she misbehaves.
That is all you can do, really. Don't fight with her or try to explain why she upsets you. Just tell her that if she does this, then you will hang up, not see her, take some time apart etc. If after trying this, things do not improve, then you will need to consider
if you want to just take some time from her, with no contact at all.
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