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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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My husbands the best man in a wedding. For the bachelors

Customer Question

My husband's the best man in a wedding. For the bachelor's party, he's planned a rafting trip for the day, but the other guys are pushing for a strip club that night. They want to rent a cabin so the wives aren't around that evening. I feel uncomfortable with the strip club and with the idea of them trying to separate themselves from the wives. I have told him so. I don't fear that he'll sleep with anyone while he's there; just the thought of naked girls dancing around is upsetting to me. He feels like the strip club would be an easy night-ending activity and that I'm overreacting to a standard activity. Still, he says if were up to him, he wouldn't go and he's trying to plan other activities instead (like the rafting). However, I get the sense that it's rather likely they'll end up there. In fact, I'm so convinc
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

cathy :

Hello and thanks for writing JA

cathy :

are you there?

Customer:

I think I missed you. Did you reply somewhere else or were you just going to chat?

Customer:

I still haven't figured out if you've answered my question yet.

cathy :

Yes this is a chat format if you wish that I answer in a question and answer format let me know. I waited for you in chat but am glad you replied. I agree with you completely about the stripper night. Let me know if you are no longer able to chat and wish this to proceed in a question and answer format or if you wish to chat and speak to another expert. Best to you, Cathy

Customer:

I see. Because my schedule's somewhat unpredictable, I would prefer to proceed in a question and answer format. Thanks!

cathy :

okay since you are here now? do want to resolve this or not?

cathy :

its okay if you cannot stay

cathy :

just let me know

cathy :

as soon as someone can get to you they will, warm regards, Cathy

Customer:

Chat's really not the best format for me. I usually just stay on my computer for a few minutes at a time. Sometimes longer, but it's rather unpredictable when that will be due to my infant's schedule, work phone calls, my husband, and household chores. Thanks.

cathy :

Not a problem I have released the question and any expert may now respond to you. I hope this goes well for you. Cathy

Customer:

Thanks!

Customer:

I just wanted to check: this question is still showing up as "Answered" under my account. Will somebody else be getting to it?

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

I can certainly understand your discomfort with the idea of your husband going to the strip club, etc. Are you wanting to know if your feelings are reasonable or not? Yes, they are reasonable and absolutely need to be considered fully by your husband.

 

The men can certainly agree to not go to a strip club that night, and I'm sure that the other wives and girlfriends would feel similar to you. How did you leave the discussion with your husband? Can he talk to the groom and let him know that he feels it's not appropriate?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I was wondering whether my feelings were reasonable. I've talked to a couple of my friends about it too, and one of them was pretty convinced that it was nothing that I should be worried about - just a boys will be boys type night for one night. My husband thinks that he wouldn't even be the guest of honor, so I wouldn't have to worry. He says that if it were a regular occurrence, then I'd have reason to be concerned, but not if it's just for a bachelor party. But even just thinking of him sitting there makes me uncomfortable. So I wanted a neutral opinion about the issue.

But then the other thing is what to do about it. The groom said that he actually didn't want a stripper, though I guess he left the option of a strip bar open. It's the other groomsmen that seem to be pushing hardest for it. That's why I think that they'll end up there regardless of what I say, as he won't want to be the one saying "My wife won't let me" when everyone else wants to go.

We've talked about it a few times. Pretty much each time it ends up with him saying that he doesn't WANT to go, and that he's trying to plan other things so that they won't go. But he'll never say that he won't go.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay thank you for the additional information. Of course if it was a regular occurrence that would be a very big issue, and it's true that this is a special event. That being said, it's kind of an outdated way to celebrate at such parties, out of respect for the women in the men's lives, etc. But, if the groomsmen insist then I can see how your husband also feels trapped in the middle, and as best man would not want to tell the others what they can and cannot do. By the way, your feelings are more important than what the groomsmen think...

That being said, one option is that your husband could partake in the rafting during the day, etc. and then come back home, and NOT attend the strip club. This is where you both need to decide how to reach a solution where you are both comfortable. The options are he:

1.doesn't go at all.

2.talks to the other men about doing things that don't offend the wives.

3.partakes in some of the activities (but not the strip club).

4.does go to the strip club.

Those are the options.... he could also just stay in the cabin that night, and not go to the strip club, etc. You need to be honest with him how much it bothers you, that you feel it's disrespectful, the two of you discuss the options and then reach a compromise. But, yes your feelings are completely valid and reasonable. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. Thank you.



Edited by Kristin on 2/24/2011 at 5:31 PM EST
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Kristin and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Did you have any more questions for me about this? If so, please do ask.

 

Otherwise, please click ACCEPT so I'm credited for my assistance today. Thank you.

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