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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
Often, memory is a very tricky thing to deal with. If you can recall a simple but clear memory of a place from your childhood and you go back to that same place now as an adult, it will look different than you can recall. You can also ask several people about one incident that they witnessed together and you will get several different accounts of what happened. They will be similar in some aspects, but completely different in others.
That is why it is hard for you to recall for sure what happened to you as a child. Children often filtered what happens to them, and their recall is different because they do not have the understanding that adults do in a situation.
Studies in Psychology have shown that accurate recall of memories, especially of abuse, occur so infrequently that it is unreliable. Often, you will see children repress memories of abuse more often that not. They forget entire sections of their lives. It is the way their brains cope with the trauma.
You could very well be making life choices based on any trauma you experienced as a child. But if you really look at it, most people make life choices on experiences, thoughts and beliefs they developed in childhood. There is no real reason you can pinpoint for example why someone chooses orange juice over apple juice in any given day. Maybe because their mother gave them apple juice every day for 15 years, or it could be because they never got apple juice. Or they saw someone else get it and they always wanted it.
The reason you choose how you do is probably a mix of childhood experiences and personal preferences. You had a personality when you were born and how that personality was shaped came from your experiences. It lets you take your experiences and make them work for you.
If you have reasons that you believe you were abused, then you may very well might have been. Remembering it may be very difficult. But what you can do now is decide what you believe then go with it. Unless you are making harmful choices or are doing something you feel is unhealthy or harmful to others, there really is no reason to change who you are.
It is great that you are in therapy and getting a professionals objective insights into your situation. Guidance and support are important now, especially if you feel you were abused in your childhood.
I hope this has helped you,
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