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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband had what I feel was an inappropriate relationship (in 2004) I know its bee

Customer Question

My husband had what I feel was an inappropriate relationship (in 2004) I know its been a long time and I am doing harm to our relationship, I just cant move past it mostly because he wont admit what he has done. Right after I "caught" him he admitted to it being somewhat wrong but goes back and forth and refuses to understand how much he has hurt me. How to I explain that I just need him to admit he hurt me and would not like it if the same was done to him. I want need to let this go but it just sticks there...he says he was "just friends" with her. But he would of done something if she let him and I believe that has this gone on longer it would of been much more. Its possible he has had contact with her since.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you believe your husband crossed the line with this woman into an inappropriate relationship that violated your marriage with your husband.

 

Can I ask- what did he do that you feel crossed the line?

 

Have you both tried counseling?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
There came a time in our relationship where life got in the way. I asked on a regular basis for him to court me a little more. Most of the time it turned into a fight fest. Then the next day he would say sorry and that he would step up. It didnt happen. That started in say 2000 In 2002 We set it up so that he could go to college. There he met a girl that he started interacting with on a regular basis via email. (thats how I found out.) I sent her an email asking her about her relationship with him. The next day I went to the class that I knew he had next to her. As class was over he came out and went toward her in a manner of hug or kiss. Her eyes got wide and she shook her head and looked to me. They both came over to me to "explain". We did go to counciling before this. I need to be able to talk with my husband without everything I say being an attack... I just want to say you hurt me here or whatever the problem is without him feeling I am saying he is an ass..... Its so fresh right now we fought night before last sorry if its a jumbled.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

That is ok. Thank you for the clarification.

 

It sounds like you need more affection and love in the relationship and your husband is going the opposite direction. The issue here is why is he going in the opposite direction.

 

The incident you witnessed between your husband and this woman sounds very suspicious. Although he may not have taken it any further, he also is giving you a good reason to not trust him. Trust is vital in the relationship to make it work.

 

You need to sit down with him and talk this out. There needs to be some decisions made about your relationship.

 

First, start by talking with him in a neutral and gentle way. Do not accuse or demand anything. Let him know that you feel the relationship needs work. That both of you could use help and recommend counseling. You can find a counselor through your doctor or if you attend church, your pastor could help. Also, you can search on line at http://www.find-a-therapist.com/.

 

Gage your husband's reaction. If he seems to be thoughtful of what you said and/willing to work with you, that is a good sign. In that case, call a truce. Agree to not bring up problems until you get to see the counselor. For his part, he needs to agree to cut off any and all relationships and contact he has with the woman or anyone else.

 

If your husband does not seem that he is interested in fixing this problem, back off for a few days and try again. If he still seems uninterested, then this one is going to unfortunately be up to you to decide.

 

You may want to see the counselor yourself if he will not go, before you make any decisions about the relationship. Sometimes, time away from one another helps. It depends on what you feel would work for you. But if he is unwilling to work on this, he leaves you little option. You either have to decide if you are willing to live with his behavior, or if you want to leave the relationship.

 

Here are some resources that may help give you more ideas and insight into your situation. One is called http://www.marriagetoday.com/. Another is http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

 

Some books that may help you are I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage by Dr. XXXXX XXXXXe and Dr. William G. Clarke, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver and Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them available.

 

I hope this helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you this helps...
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are very welcome! I hope it works out for you. Take care.

 

Kate

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