My husband went on a business trip with a female coworker that I knew he really got along well with and enjoyed his working relationship with her. It's a trip he takes every year and many coworkers go, but he and this particular woman were going 1 day ahead of the others so they could be in time for a meeting the next day with a customer. The day before the trip, I noticed some things that were different from the norm - he was lifting weights, he seemed to be checking himself out in the mirror shirtless, etc. Small things but they caught my attention. Earlier he told me the 2 of them would be going to dinner and a show and I said I was fine with it but to be careful how it could appear, that it could appear like a date. He insisted it wouldn't - just a "thank you" to her and he would "put it through" on his expense report. He had taken his secretary and another employee out to dinner and a show the year before. It would be easy for him to find someone he knew who also got there early, so I suggested he bring a customer so it would't appear inappropriate. He said, "I don't think anyone will know." several times. This gave me the creeps. He insisted he couldn't expense more than just the 2 of them, which is hard to believe when they spend so much on those trips.
So all this led me to feel uneasy, I spoke to him about it on the phone when he was there and he angrily offered to cancel on her, but that he had already bought the tickets, etc.. I was torn. I felt like a crazy, accusing person, so I said for them to go ahead and please don't mention this to her.
I knew where he was staying so I ended up calling his hotel room at a time that would be 6 hours after he went out to dinner. No answer - left a message. I called his cell phone and he answered with a panicky voice. He seemed to be shocked at hearing from me. I don't usually call late when he is on a business trip. I asked him what he was doing, etc. And his panic
not subside. He was saying, "I can talk. I can talk..." and his answers were clipped. I asked him if he was in his room and he said yes. UGH. So I chatted for about 5 minutes then hung up and quickly called the hotel room again. No answer. So I left a message and said, "I was just talking to you and you're not there - BUSTED." He called me back about 5 minutes after that and I did not answer the phone. He left 2 messages.
He called relentlessly the next day and wrote me emails insisting that "nothing bad happened" and "I can explain the fib". I did not speak to him until the following day. He insisted that he "fibbed" that he was in his room but he was in the elevator bank saying goodnight to his co-worker. He said I called right at that moment. He said the only reason he lied was because I sounded angry and he panicked and he didn't want her to know I sounded angry, didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I wanted to believe him but was really confused. I remembered I had access to his work email, so I went and looked at it. UGH. Quite a few flirtatious emails between the 2 of them over several months. Nothing really incriminating though, but inappropriate for a business relationship. Too cozy and close feeling.
After he returned, somehow we reconciled for a week or 2 and things were pretty good. I felt that whatever it was, it was over. But I couldn't let go of that panicky voice I heard and I kept telling him there was no reason to lie to me. Why didn't he say, "We just got back, I'll call you in a minute when I'm back at my room."? I just said I want to believe you but things don't make sense to me. In the meantime, he confessed he had been unhappy for a long time; he was having doubts if he married the right person because we were fighting a lot; he couldn't talk to me because it always turned into a fight; I knew how he felt because he had told me "we're done" when we argued a little while before the trip; he had confessed his despair over our relationship to a male friend many months before; he had confided in several female co-workers. I was deeply hurt. I felt like he had a lot of secrets and he was keeping his real feelings from me for years. He insisted he couldn't talk to me.
So finally, I made him swear on his children's lives that he was telling me everything, which he did. Then he felt guilty, moped around one day all day, and confessed that night that there was a reason why he his voice was panicky and he lied. He said he was actually giving his co-worker a backrub when I called and had just told her that he didn't want to do that in the hall, so if she wanted to come to his room, he would do it there. UGH UGH UGH. I have been in a tailspin ever since.
We are seeing a counselor but he insists that he meant nothing more than a backrub. I