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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband has always been very involved with viewing porn.

Resolved Question:

My husband has always been very involved with viewing porn. We've been married 33 years. Last year and this week I caught him looking at images of pre-pubescent children,in non-pornographic situations, but nude and with promises of sexual content within the site. I confronted him and he said they were pop-ups from viewing other sites. I know he has always had the "schoolgirl" fantasy and many fantasies about young teens,so it's possible that these sites are being suggested to him via search engine. BUT I also know he tried to access these sites and was deterred due to them being pay-only.
I pressed on with my point, and he said he would never "do anything", that it's "only a fantasy".(we have no children, thank God). My husband is retired and never goes anywhere where this stuff would be an issue, but I am SO freaked out, just the same.
Should I be concerned?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Yes, I believe that your husband's behavior is an issue. And why I think it is so is because it bothers you and porn can be damaging to a marriage.

 

When husbands look at porn, it undermines how their wives feel about themselves and their sex life. It undermines confidence and a wife's ability to feel that they are attractive enough to their husbands. He is getting thrills elsewhere, which can make any woman feel undesired.

 

Some also see men looking at porn as a betrayal and some even see it as grounds for a divorce because of the strong feelings around this behavior.

 

It also minimizes the sharing of love between you and your husband during sex. When married people have sex, there is an expression of love and caring with each other. Porn takes that out of the equation and reduces sex to lust.

 

If you have any type of religious beliefs, your husband's viewing of porn can go against those beliefs.

 

His viewing of younger women, even if it is not porn, also is disturbing. This crosses a moral line and sheds a different light on his activities. It is understandable that you feel upset. It also comes close to the illegal side of porn, which goes back to the moral side of the issue.

 

Let your husband know that you find his activities wrong and that you will no longer tolerate it. Tell him you want him to go to therapy either alone or with you to discuss this issue and find out why he feels the need to watch porn and younger women. You can find a therapist by asking your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, your pastor could help. Also, you can search on line at http://www.find-a-therapist.com/. You can also try this book called We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) by C. Notarius and Howard Markman. It is available at Amazon.com or your local library may have a copy.

 

Keep in mind that you did nothing to cause this behavior in him. Men find it socially acceptable to view porn and it is even encouraged in society. Often, the reason for the behavior is caused by something lacking for the husband that has to do with him, not his marriage. Therapy can help address this issue and help you become closer as a couple.

 

I hope this helped you,
Kate

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX;Do you feel your answer still holds true if I add that I don't find adult porn particularly bothersome? I'm fairly broad minded and I feel erotica has it's place in sexuality for many people, and can be healthy, though it's not my thing.My husband told me about his enjoyment of porn fairly early in our relationship. We also had a fabulous sex life for about 25 of our 33 years,during which my husband still used porn. We stopped having relations at my request,and I think it was mostly ennui on my part that lead to my decision, though it's possible his porn viewing had an effect on me of which I'm not aware.
My area of alarm centers exclusively around the underage thing..is your take the same?
Thanks for the clarification and fo the time and care you have already invested in answering my question. Val
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are very welcome!

 

And thank you for the additional information. It helps clarify your situation.

 

Yes, if you feel comfortable with your husband viewing porn, by all means continue as long as you continue to feel you are ok with it. If you find that you are not, then that is the time to speak up. Nothing has to stay concrete in a relationship and changing the situation is fine.

 

I also agree with you on the underage viewing. It does start to cross a line and although it may be due to his needing to up the level of excitement, it is the wrong direction to go.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Did you need any further clarification?

 

Kate

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