How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Luann Your Own Question

Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
50737979
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Luann is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I was cheated on about 6 years ago in a previous relationship

Customer Question

I was cheated on about 6 years ago in a previous relationship and worked in an industry (bar) where I witnessed it often. I know all the signs and signals (yikes). Unfortunately my fiance today has to deal with the affects of this. He has given me no solid reason and I do trust him as much as possible. I am so afraid of being fooled again...he has cheated in his past but never felt the experience of being cheated on. We are in our 40's. How do I heal from these long term affects?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 3 years ago.

Luann :

Time, time and time. Don't rush the healing process. But don't sabotage your current relationship either.

Luann :

Be aware of your sensitivities. Own them as yours. Be very open about this with your fiance. When you are feeling insecure or jealous write it down in a journal, talk to friends, process what is going on and then talk to your fiance. Keep the lines of communication wide open.

Customer:

He is very aware of all of this and I talk to lots of people to help heal this but I find myself overreacting to things. I don't want to sabotage this

Luann :

Look closely at the situations that trigger your over reaction. Make a list of how your body feels and what your thoughts are when you are over reacting. Make a time line of what starts first with your thoughts and feelings. Then use this time line as a guide for you to recognize the warning signs as early as possible. As you practice this, you will get better and better at catching it early. At first you won't be so good, that is OK, keep at it.

Customer:

Is this an insecurity?

Luann :

When you notice the warning signs, take a deep breath, take a time out to think and write. Tell your fiance that you are going to do this and to give you space. Take a short walk. Have replacement thoughts, positive thoughts about your relationship that you can focus on or think about something totally different for a short time.

Luann :

It could be insecurity, it could be habit - a learned behavior from the past. It is changable.

Customer:

I have practiced these kind of things in the past...but seems that whatever it is that is going on in my heard won't be resolved until i bring it up. Let me just say in past relationships I was too afraid to lose the relationship so i never said anything about anything and just built up a lot of resenments. In this relationship i have done things differently if something is bothering me i bring it up and get it on the table, wether it be money, family, sex, etc. It just seems that this issue is more mine than really anything he has done.

Luann :

Good for you for making changes in how you relate to your fiance. It may be that because you are being different it is stirring up insecurities, you are not sure others will like this new you. Focus on boosting your self esteem by increasing your positive self talk.

Customer:

any book suggestions?

Luann :

Make a list of positive things about yourself. Read it everyday or more often if necessary. When you are going to have an honest discussion with your fiance that may stir insecure thoughts, read your list before the discussion. Pick one or two phrases that you can focus on. Let me look for a book suggestion . . .

Luann :
  • Learned Optimism by Marting Seligman
  • Luann :
  • Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

  • Keeping the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
  • Luann :

    I also really like daily meditation books for people trying to improve self-talk, like "Worthy of Love" by Karen Casey, you can find a big list of meditation books at the Hazelden website - www.hazelden.org

    Customer:

    Thank you

    Luann :

    You are welcome, good luck to you

    Luann, Psychologist
    Category: Mental Health
    Satisfied Customers: 158
    Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
    Luann and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

    JustAnswer in the News:

     
     
     
    Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
    JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
    Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
    ...leave nothing to chance.
    Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
    Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
    I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
     
     
     

    What Customers are Saying:

     
     
     
    • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
    < Last | Next >
    • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
    • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
    • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
    • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
      I feel better already! Thank you.
      Elanor Tracy, CA
    • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
    • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
    • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
     
     
     

    Meet The Experts:

     
     
     
    • Dr. Keane

      Therapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      1262
      Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
    < Last | Next >
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

      Dr. Keane

      Therapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      1262
      Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

      Elliott, LPCC, NCC

      Psychotherapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      5024
      35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

      Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

      Therapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      3733
      Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

      Dr. Olsen

      Psychologist

      Satisfied Customers:

      2336
      PsyD Psychologist
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

      Norman M.

      Psychotherapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      2193
      UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

      Dr. Michael

      Psychologist

      Satisfied Customers:

      2177
      Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
    • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

      Steven Olsen

      Therapist

      Satisfied Customers:

      1727
      More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education