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Ask Luann Your Own Question

Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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I was cheated on about 6 years ago in a previous relationship

Customer Question

I was cheated on about 6 years ago in a previous relationship and worked in an industry (bar) where I witnessed it often. I know all the signs and signals (yikes). Unfortunately my fiance today has to deal with the affects of this. He has given me no solid reason and I do trust him as much as possible. I am so afraid of being fooled again...he has cheated in his past but never felt the experience of being cheated on. We are in our 40's. How do I heal from these long term affects?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.

Luann :

Time, time and time. Don't rush the healing process. But don't sabotage your current relationship either.

Luann :

Be aware of your sensitivities. Own them as yours. Be very open about this with your fiance. When you are feeling insecure or jealous write it down in a journal, talk to friends, process what is going on and then talk to your fiance. Keep the lines of communication wide open.

Customer:

He is very aware of all of this and I talk to lots of people to help heal this but I find myself overreacting to things. I don't want to sabotage this

Luann :

Look closely at the situations that trigger your over reaction. Make a list of how your body feels and what your thoughts are when you are over reacting. Make a time line of what starts first with your thoughts and feelings. Then use this time line as a guide for you to recognize the warning signs as early as possible. As you practice this, you will get better and better at catching it early. At first you won't be so good, that is OK, keep at it.

Customer:

Is this an insecurity?

Luann :

When you notice the warning signs, take a deep breath, take a time out to think and write. Tell your fiance that you are going to do this and to give you space. Take a short walk. Have replacement thoughts, positive thoughts about your relationship that you can focus on or think about something totally different for a short time.

Luann :

It could be insecurity, it could be habit - a learned behavior from the past. It is changable.

Customer:

I have practiced these kind of things in the past...but seems that whatever it is that is going on in my heard won't be resolved until i bring it up. Let me just say in past relationships I was too afraid to lose the relationship so i never said anything about anything and just built up a lot of resenments. In this relationship i have done things differently if something is bothering me i bring it up and get it on the table, wether it be money, family, sex, etc. It just seems that this issue is more mine than really anything he has done.

Luann :

Good for you for making changes in how you relate to your fiance. It may be that because you are being different it is stirring up insecurities, you are not sure others will like this new you. Focus on boosting your self esteem by increasing your positive self talk.

Customer:

any book suggestions?

Luann :

Make a list of positive things about yourself. Read it everyday or more often if necessary. When you are going to have an honest discussion with your fiance that may stir insecure thoughts, read your list before the discussion. Pick one or two phrases that you can focus on. Let me look for a book suggestion . . .

Luann :
  • Learned Optimism by Marting Seligman
  • Luann :
  • Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

  • Keeping the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
  • Luann :

    I also really like daily meditation books for people trying to improve self-talk, like "Worthy of Love" by Karen Casey, you can find a big list of meditation books at the Hazelden website - www.hazelden.org

    Customer:

    Thank you

    Luann :

    You are welcome, good luck to you

    Luann and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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